and it’s very early in the morning around here.  it’s actually already 3:16.  i wish i was asleep.  winnie was sleeping right by my head and he’s still there on the pillow; i can hear him jingling in the bedroom and i hope he doesn’t decide he’s desperate for some food in a minute because i don’t want to have to smell the cat food.

we buy mollie fancy healthy dog food and i felt bad that we only give winnie crappy little friskies cans.  so i bought a few crazy expensive little cans of different cat food, and realized that fancy cat food is much more expensive than fancy dog food.  i gues that’s because most dogs are bigger than most cats, so people wouldn’t tolerate fancy cat food prices if they had to buy such huge quantities.

it’s kind of like nail polish – i remember once when i was in high school and painting my nails and mom and dad calculated the cost of nail polish if you were to buy, say, a gallon of it.  it was insanely expensive.

but i digress.  but it’s 3:20 in the morning, what do you expect?

anyway, winnie HATED HATED HATED each and every fancy kind of cat food.  i mean he REALLY REALLY HATED THEM ALL.

so then we were back to the little friskies, but then suddenly he refused all the different kinds of little friskies except the kind in the PINK CAN.  DON’T GIVE ME THE DAMN BLUE CAN, DAMN YOU PEOPLE, BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE CRAP!  I ONLY EAT THE PINK KIND!!!

i think it’s salmon.

i’m actually digressing from the reason i wanted to write in the first place, although i actually didn’t want to write at all, i wanted to BE SLEEPING STILL.

but i saw a story about BRITNEY SPEARS’ UNTOUCHED PHOTOS and i had to click on it.  she did an ad for candies and she’s wearing a sexy one piece pink swim suit and high heels.  in the “before” photo her waist is a very very tiny bit bigger than the touched photo.  her thighs are a tiny tiny bit bigger in the untouched photo, and she has some bruises on the bottoms of her legs.

MY LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT IF I LOOKED LIKE THE UNTOUCHED PHOTO.  i mean, it’s not really even a STORY.  and yet i had to click on it.

and then i started thinking about how awesome it would be if you could just have yourself retouched.  not with liposuction and plastic surgery and all that hard core stuff, and not with JUST NOT EATING SO MUCH, but if it could just be as easy as going in there with the magic wand from photoshop or whatever and fixing any types of  body issues you may have.

wouldn’t that be nice?

maybe somebody could invent that.

i think they should work on it in the middle of the night, because that’s when you can think of brilliant ideas such as that one.

i picked up thousands upon thousands of gumballs from in front of the house the day before yesterday.  we have a MASSIVE gumball tree and underneath are a bunch of vines so you can’t rake the gumballs because it would tear out the vines which aren’t doing so great anyway.  it was slightly torturous and even though i wore gloves, my fingers are still kind of tingling and sore.

it would be nice if there was some purpose for the damn gum balls, like making soup out of them.  gum ball soup.  or something that would be worthwhile…if you could eat them, i could feed many many people with gumballs.

i just looked them up online and there are only many many stupid ideas for gum balls crafts, most of them involving spray-painting them gold and making them into christmas ornaments.   somebody talked about spraying them, then their husband drilled a hole in each one and the stupid person had to quickly string a wire or else they wouldn’t be able to find the hole, and COME ON HERE PEOPLE.  if you want to make stupid gumball christmas ornaments, you can come over and pick up all the gumballs you want.

there was also a site that listed WAYS TO GET RID OF GUMBALLS.  it listed many helpful things like “pick them up with your hands.  be sure to wear gloves.”  “use a leaf blower to blow them into a pile, then pick them up with your hands.”  THANKS FOR THE GREAT ADVICE.  moron.

and then yesterday i decided to transplant some of the MASSIVE hostas from one spot farther out in the yard to fill in some of the holes in the vines.

this made picking up gumballs seem like CAKE.  the hosta i chose had probably been there SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME with massive treelike roots.  and of course i did it at noon and the sun was beating down and i thought at one point that i was going to pass out plus i kept hacking at this stupid hosta and swearing a lot and then hoping that there weren’t any neighbors who could hear me but since on one side is amy and jim they wouldn’t care about the swearing anyway plus jim was at work, and on the other side is chris who was also at work, it didn’t matter anyway.

i finally ripped four different clumps of hosta out of the ground and dug big holes which was also not fun but easier than digging them up, and that’s all the hosta transplanting for now, anyway.

tomorrow i have too many massages to do any yard work.  perhaps this is a good thing.

it’s now 3:45 already and i really really need to get back to bed now.

ok then,

sleepy little hillbilly grace.

P.S. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is that tomorrow is MOLLIE’S BIRTHDAY! she’s going to be TEN which makes me a little sad because that’s getting kind of old in dog years.  we’re planning a big SURPRISE PARTY for her.

wouldn’t that be a good idea, surprise parties for dogs?  you could plan and plan and cook and do so many preparations RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM!  SO much easier than planning one for a person…

perhaps if i write things down in the middle of the night when i wake up and can’t get back to sleep, i could solve all the world’s problems.