I gave blood a few weeks ago, and today I got the card in the mail saying my blood is good, and I’m O-Negative. I’d never given blood before, I can’t say why exactly, except because I’m lazy/bad, but I was pleased to see that O-Negative is a fairly uncommon type, AND it can be used for ANYBODY. Only 6.6% of people have O Negative, but boy, our blood is good to share.
By the way, I don’t feel like writing anything at all, not today, not for about the next million years approximately. But Christine told me that if I quit writing, people will quit reading, so I’d better KEEP UP. I’m fairly certain that my audience consists primarily of my friend Jerri, sometimes Christine when she remembers, and maybe even my friend Gary. But if there are actually other people out there reading, well, here I am, I haven’t abandoned my writing.
Actually, I’ve been writing a lot lately, but I’m not going to share it with you.
And let me just say this – My heart continues to bleed (the rare yet friendly O-Negative blood). However, I’m attempting with all my might to be like other people, and just act like things are fine. I have realized (but only lately) that most people don’t go around venting and telling everybody their woes all the time. Adult people are RESTRAINED. I’m working so hard on that. I haven’t confided in EVERYBODY I come in contact about my latest heartbreak, which is a huge, huge accomplishment for me. I’m doing my absolute best to maintain a cool exterior. Somebody asks how I am, and I say “fine,” I don’t break down and start sobbing, which is my inclination. See, restraint. But I just want you to know right now, that things are THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF FINE, and I don’t see them getting any better in the foreseeable future.
But OK, here’s me, hiding all the turmoil, plastering on the smiley face. Grace Smith, perfectly fine person.
I was talking to my friend Jerri on the phone the other night, doing a great deal of whining and being whiny. Jerri then called Christine, and Christine called me. Christine said, “Jerri said ‘Grace sure is funny.’” Christine and I don’t know what part of the whining and moaning Jerri found amusing, but I guess I’m doing a good job of trying to not sound like my life suddenly has no meaning. Now Christine, she’s probably pretty sick of listening to me being morose, but luckily, POOF, all better.
Not really, but BOY I’m a good actress (see the photo below if you don’t believe me).
So, I’ve been back here in Springfield for two and a half years now. Quite a while, it seems to me. I’ve been fired twice and have had my heart broken twice, in this time. Not such a great record. I’d never been fired before, and now, two times.
Actually, I was fired once before, but they called it “laid off” then. I worked for a video division of a Savings and Loan, don’t ask me WHY they had a video division, but I had a great time making all kinds of videos, including a motivational video for bank managers. I got to write it, and star in it, and I tap danced in it, and it was very, very strange but lots of fun to do. But the S&L got bought out, because the CEO was a little bit irresponsible with the money, so they fired every person in the whole corporate office. It was slightly sad to be laid off, but I got over it pretty quickly. I got to be on unemployment for a while, which was nice. But about a week after I was laid off, my boyfriend at the time, Scott, broke up with me, which wasn’t so great, and I seriously thought about moving to Florida, went down there and stayed with friends for about a month.
I came back, Scott and I got back together (one of the many broken up times), and well, I’ve gotten off track here.
After moving back to Springfield this time, about a year and a half ago, I was fired from one job because too many people were working at the place I was, and I’d been the last one hired. So that wasn’t so bad. It was a shock initially, of course, but I did move on to better things.
The other time was, of course, the Illinois Times debacle. Just last weekend, I was at a play and the woman sitting behind me leaned up and started grilling me about why I was no longer writing for them. I told her I’d been fired and she was horrified and spent the rest of the intermission telling the friends she was with, and they were all outraged and said they were going to write the editor. Yeah, that’ll do some good. The week before that, I was at a party, and a woman rushed up to me and told me that her husband was addicted to my column, and I was a little surprised at the number of people there who wanted to know WHAT HAPPENED?? As people continue to tell me how much they adored my column, as they continue to be outraged that I’m no longer writing it, it’s nice to hear, but it’s starting to bug me. Sometimes they say stuff like “You’ll go on to better things,” which is a nice sentiment although I don’t think a new paper is going to start up anytime soon that will want me to write for them.
I am finally realizing, after writing the way I do all my life, that not everybody can be funny, and it’s pretty impossible for lots of people, and I have a natural talent there.
So I need to figure out how to use it.
Besides writing this blog for Christine, Jerri, and Gary, that is.
As far as the heartbreak goes, well, I’ve had my heart broken quite a few times. The first time when I was just 19, and was sure the experience would be the end of me. That man and I had talked about our future, happily-ever-after, all that crap. And I believed it, all of it. After the rude awakening there, though, I realized that heartbreak seems to be my destiny. Each time, horrible. And now, once again…I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say, worst ever. Doesn’t make sense, can’t understand it, doesn’t seem real, I don’t want to think about it.
But if you see me on the street, I’ll deny it all. “Fine,” I’ll say, with my quick smile. “I’m just fine.”
ok then,
Grace