i know i’ve written this before, that although it’s called graceuncensored, it should really be grace CENSORED, because of the mountains of stuff i leave out. but if you ever want to know, you can just ask me.
but here’s one thing i’ll confess tonight – i got a really nice camcorder for christmas, and i’ve been really wanting to make some new videos and put them up here. but something has kept me from doing it, and time keeps marching on, as it does, and every day I want to do it, but at the same time there’s this thing holding me back…
when i got the camcorder, i shot some stuff and then, just for the fun of it, i edited it together, and enjoyed that because i like editing and haven’t done it in a while and it felt good to do it again. maybe it’s the circumstances surrounding the camera or something, i just can’t figure out why i can’t get myself to shoot another video. it’s like this general, unspecified malaise i have, which keeps me in this perpetual state of inertia. or maybe it’s the specific malady, i can’t say.
i’m hoping soon i’ll snap out of it and just do it again. i have been taking photos like crazy recently, and maybe that’s a first step. and i have ideas about things i’d like to shoot all the time, but i don’t write them down, so usually i don’t remember them. but new ones are always popping up.
i wish i was asleep right now.
ok, before i stop, here’s one more thing i’ll share with you – when i was writing for the paper, an agent or publicist or somebody sent me a book. it’s called “the big love,” by a woman named sarah dunn. i called the agent, and apparently the author had found me online somehow, and thought i’d enjoy the book and would write about it in my column and give her some free publicity. I meant to read it, but i only read a few pages and got distracted and it’s been sitting by my bedside for many, many months.
I picked it up a few days ago and started reading. now, if you know me, or you’ve been reading this entire thing and you at least think you know me, you will understand the irony of this. the book is about a woman who writes a weekly column for an alternative paper. her column is funny, and it’s pretty much just about her life, and whatever she has to say about stuff once a week. she manages to only have this one job, which i don’t quite understand.
she has a boyfriend, but he breaks up with her. she makes all kinds of observations about relationships and boyfriends and dating and all of that. and then she gets fired from the paper.
I kept reading, and i kept being surprised at her life, and how it sounded a lot like mine. i feel like finding sarah dunn online, and writing to her. at the end of the book, things are left up in the air, but the character is clearly going on to bigger and better things.
just the other day somebody told me he’d been fired a few times, and it was always for the best. i sort of like to hear things like that, but at the same time i think that things being shitty might be good for other people, and they grow and change and have all kinds of fabulous and better experiences because of the changes that take place, but i’m never convinced that will happen to me.
also, when i picked up the book to start reading, a postcard fell out. it was from somebody i’d just started seeing, and it was sweet and charming and signed “i adore you” and i thought…
but that’s enough for tonight. you get the idea. censor censor censor.
ok then,
grace finally going to sleep now.