I bought a new box of Kleenex a couple of weeks ago, and I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s NEW Kleenex brand ANTI-VIRAL tissue, which kills 99.9% of cold and flu viruses. I’m more and more obsessive about not getting a cold, because when you give massages, you don’t want to be coughing and hacking all over the person you’re massaging, because this generally doesn’t promote so much peace and relaxation, plus if I was getting a massage I’d assume that if somebody was coughing uncontrollably all over me, that they’d give me whatever they’ve got.
I’ve gotten by pretty easy this winter (health-wise, anyway). I had the beginnings of a cold a couple of weeks ago, but I kept trying to will it away. And it worked (knock on wood). I had a couple of scary incidences of the cough trying to take over my body, but I squelched it with positive thinking, cough drops, and gallons and gallons of water.
The thing is, the past couple of winters, I’ve gotten a cold, and it has turned into bronchitis which is a big drag. The first time it happened I kept thinking I’d just get better, but it went on for a good month and I kept getting weaker and weaker, also not such a good thing when you give massages. I finally went to the doctor and got really strong and outrageously expensive drugs, and I was better in no time.
So when it happened last winter, I hurried to the doctor right away and once again, cured.
But this winter, no cold. Of course, I’ve realized that winter might extend into June or perhaps July this year, so there are a few more troublesome months ahead. But now I’m fortified, with my new anti-viral KLEENEX brand tissue.
Here’s what it says on the bottom of the box – “Because cold and flue viruses are often spread by hand contact, KLEENEX Brand has developed a new tissue for your whole family. New! KLEENEX Anti-Viral tissue has three soft….-ure-activated middle layer that kills 99.9% of cold and flu viruses in the tissue within…minutes. This product has not been tested against bacteria, fungi or other viruses. See below for anti-viral details.”
The problem, you might have guessed, is that when I ripped off the protective outer plastic covering, some of the words went with it, so I don’t know precisely why the Kleenex is so fantastic, nor how rapidly it kills the evil cold/flu viruses. I wonder what that “-ure-activated middle layer” is all about, but I guess I’ll never know. Moisture, maybe? Elsewhere it does list the ACTIVE INGREDIENTS, which are Citric acid (7.51%), and Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, 2.02% There are 90.47% inert ingredients, which must be the actual tissue itself. I guess I’d want my facial tissue to be mostly composed of inert ingredients, because all those active ingredients might get in the way of a soothing nose-blowing experience.
My KLEENEX brand tissue is a virucidal against: Rhinoviruses Type 1A and 2 (Rhinoviruses are the leading cause of the common cold); Influenza A and Influenza B (causes of the flu); Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV-the leading cause of lower respiratory infection in children).
It’s reassuring, isn’t it?
But ok, I haven’t even gotten to the whole POINT of writing about my new box of KLEENEX brand tissue. The thing that immediately caught my eye was this:
DIRECTIONS FOR USE: It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue.
And this is what I keep coming back to. What else are you going to do with the Kleenex? I put it on my tongue to see if it tasted different than a regular Kleenex, and it does taste a little bit bad. So you probably should refrain from eating the Kleenex. I use it to take off my eye makeup; is this consistent with the labeling? Am I protecting my eyes from the encroaching rhinoviruses? But maybe it’s bad to rub citric acid into your eyes; is this like rubbing orange juice into your eyes? It doesn’t sting or anything.
Have people been using the Kleenex in nefarious ways? Have they been putting it on their heads, wearing the Kleenex as little hats against cold/flu? Have they been mixing it with various farming chemicals in order to create more evil and toxic strains of methamphetamines? Have people been wrapping little candies in the tissue and handing them out, thereby causing unsuspecting people to ingest Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, which I bet you’re not supposed to eat?
There’s a 1-800 number in big bold letters on the bottom of the box, which I should probably call to find out just what I should avoid in my Kleenex use. But the hours are weekdays from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. CT, so I’d probably just get the KLEENEX answering machine, since right now it’s 4:56 a.m., very early Sunday morning.
I’ve been awake since 3:51 a.m., and I have great hopes for getting back to sleep in the not too distant future, even though I feel completely wide awake right at this moment. Perhaps if I rub the KLEENEX brand tissue over my forehead, the active ingredients will soothe my brow and make me sleepy, sleepy…
But maybe that would be inconsistent with the labeling.
Good-night (hopefully),
Grace in the middle of the cold dark night.