every day i open the paper and yet another republican has entered the presidential race. i keep thinking that if the list continues to grow at this pace, soon there will be at least one person from each and every state in the union.

i’ve been giving some serious thought to how people would possibly choose from such a large number of people (and by “people,” it is, of course, at least up till now, just men). everybody is furiously raising piles and piles of cash, or at least i hope they are, because if they don’t, they might as well forget it. it’s ALL ABOUT THE CASH. at least that’s what people tell me.

the other day a columnist commented on the inevitability of the presidential race getting really boring and tedious and he’s already tired of it and the election is such a long way away.

so, i’ve come up with a solution, a way to make it much more interesting. i’m not talking about the democrats here, because as you know i truly believe that barack obama is my man, he’s going to win the nomination.

but what to do with all these republicans – there’s Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of NYC, Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas Governor, Tomy Thompson, former US Sec. of Health & Human Services AND former Wisconsin Governor, Rept. Duncan Hunter of CA, Sen. John McCain of AZ, Tx. Rep. Ron Paul, former MA Gov. Mitt Romney, Sen. Sam Brownback of KA, Jim Gilmer, former Governor of Virginia, Fred Thompson , former Tennessee Senator, and Rep. Tom Tancredo from CO.

whew, that’s a lot of states.

I say, instead of all these guys spending their valuable time trying to raise money and getting some recognition the old-fashioned way – let’s make it a beauty contest.

not actual physical beauty, of course, although you know that physical appealingness is all part of the presidential hopeful package. But let’s make it a TV show, with all these guys from all these states, and they have to answer questions and walk down a runway in some kind of costume from their home state, and let’s just leave out the swimsuit competition because i doubt that many people would care to see that.

but there would be a panel of judges who would ask them questions – not the long political questions that prompt responses that go on and on forever, and people stop listening after a while because it’s all a bunch of canned stuff; don’t try to explain your plan for cutting taxes or fixing the health care system – but pertinent questions, things that americans really want to know. Like, how do you feel about cell phones on airplanes? and what about in restaurants, for that matter, don’t you think talking on cell phones should be banned from restaurants?

and what about fast food? since it’s clear that people aren’t going to stop eating big macs, don’t you think researchers could figure out a way to make them low calorie and fat-free? Bam, obesity solved.

some important questions would be about our Youth. ask them to list three bands that our Youth are listening to. Ask them if they know what kind of media they’re listening to it on. Find out if the candidates have ever looked at Myspace or youtube or facebook. it’s crucial to find a candidate who has at least some knowledge of actual Youth in America.

And what is the candidate’s favorite TV show? have they ever watched Lost, for example? I get the feeling that my sister and brother-in-law sort of feel it’s a crime that i haven’t started watching Lost yet. And do the candidates watch reality TV, and if so, which ones? Do they know who the top contenders on “American Idol” are?

People want to know. They want a candidate they can relate to.

like i said, there shouldn’t be a swim suit competition, but each candidate should have to demonstrate physical fitness. We don’t want a president who’s going to keel over from a heart attack, do we? Each candidate would have to do some kind of sport or exercise, something that he actually participates in regularly. or better yet, make them all do a series of exercises, maybe an obstacle course where they’d have to do some chin-ups and some crunches and run through tires and stuff like that.

Obviously, the candidates wouldn’t walk the runway in an evening gown (although that certainly would be immensely popular), but they’d need to wear a tuxedo and demonstrate their poise and charm in that attire.

And then there’s the talent competition. This would be most like the Miss America Pageant, with each contestant doing something – singing, playing the piano or the ukelele or the xylophone, telling a joke, doing card tricks, tap dancing, unicycling, juggling. Surely if a guy has made it to governor or representative or whatever office he holds or held, he must have done something entertaining at some point in his life.

Don’t Americans deserve a President who can make us smile once in a while?

All i’m saying is, there is an alternative to the long and boring presidential election road ahead of us.

ok then,

patriotic grace.