yesterday ended up very badly. things were going so well, then yesterday afternoon i was making chinese food for dinner and was rushing around and realized shadow had thrown up yet again. that was…four days in a row. i called the vet, assuming she wouldn’t be able to talk. but she finally came on the phone and i told her that he was getting increasingly fussy about eating and that he’d thrown up four days in a row.
she said what i’d fear she’d say, which was, you could have him put to sleep now.
she talked about how good we’d been to him and how he was counting on us to make sure that he wasn’t in a bunch of pain.
that’s why i didn’t want to call her.
we talked some more and she said we could try an anti-throwing-up medicine, and we could increase the Pepcid AC which we’ve been giving him. and then she said “but you know these things are band-aids.”
yes, i know.
the problem is, being responsible for that decision. ok, now it’s time to end your life.
we certainly don’t want him to suffer. but he just seems so darn happy so much of the time, and he’s shown no sign of being in any pain…
but the vet said that it’s better to put him to sleep when he’s like that, rather than waiting till he gets really bad.
not a good conversation, all in all.
this was at 2:50 yesterday. i had a massage scheduled for 3:00. it was a client who i really needed to see, somebody whose quality of life is hugely improved by getting a massage. i couldn’t cancel it. the client arrived while i was still on the phone, and i had to hang up with the vet’s admonishment to put shadow to sleep ringing in my ears.
it was an emotionally turbulent massage for me, as you might imagine. the client knew about shadow being sick and asked about him and all i could croak was “i don’t want to talk about him.”
i got through it, and kevin and i talked and agreed that we’re not ready to end shadow’s life – he’s just too happy.
then i had another massage, and i had a grip on my emotions finally.
then all of my family came over for dinner and i served them one of the best chinese meals i’ve made…but i wasn’t in the mood for it.
and shadow threw up again. and then again.
just not a good night.
we went to sleep and he woke up at 3:15 and i sat out on the back deck with him and then carried him inside and every time he decided to move on the bed i woke up and worried.
not the best sleep.
this morning kevin got him to most of his medicine, and then later i got him to take his final morning pill. he just seemed tired all day.
suddenly this afternoon he seemed totally fine, perky and happy. he ate quite a bit of dinner, and as of now he hasn’t thrown up.
so, for the moment, things are OK. i’ve decided that i have to make peace with the fact that he’s dying, and he’s going to have to be put to sleep unless he just dies. it’s a horrible thought, but i have to focuseon it instead of this awful feeling of despair and sadness.
and on another bad note…mollie is suddenly not eating tonight. if you know mollie, you know that this is serious. she ate her dinner but then no treats. her favorite thing in the world is this orange treat ball that we fill with treats and she rolls it around on the floor and treats fall out and she rolls some more and she’s always delighted and excited by it.
tonight i filled up the treat ball…and nothing. she didn’t want any of it. it’s sitting on the floor, treats spread out around it.
what’s wrong with mollie?
kevin is more wildly optimistic and hopeful than i am – he said that maybe shadow isn’t actually dying, he was just sick, and now mollie has whatever shadow had.
i would like to be this hopeful about things, but i fear i’d just be disappointed.
i think i need to post some photos of our trip now, to think of happier things.
ok then,
wednesday grace, one day at a time.