My friend Erica said to me last night, \u201cYou\u2019re brave, writing all that stuff on your blog.\u201d <\/p>\n
Certainly not brave. Foolish, yes. Not brave. Not foolish, I guess, either. Just me. I need to express myself, pretty much all the time. I can\u2019t help it. I usually don\u2019t wonder if anybody is really reading. I mean, it\u2019d be nice if people were reading, but just being able to write this is something I have to do. I mean, I write anyway, so I might as well write it on the web. It\u2019s sort of like my journal, except I have to post it. I have so many journals, in notebooks scattered all over the place. Years and years of them. The only difference between the journals and this site is that (1) this is legible, and (2) I don\u2019t go on and on in here about how much I weigh\/how much I want to weigh\/how I need to lose weight. Because I know that\u2019s very very boring (well, it did work for the that Fielding woman who wrote \u201cbridget jones,\u201d though, didn\u2019t it?), and I don\u2019t want everybody to know the full extent of what a nutcase I am. I must say, thought, that right now I\u2019m exactly 3 \u00bd pounds heavier than my weight in high school, which is pretty good, and if I lost (when I lose) 9 pounds, I\u2019d be at my perfect weight ever, and I\u2019m sure my life would suddenly be perfect.<\/p>\n
Ok, here\u2019s the thing \u2013 is it this painful in everybody\u2019s head? I know it\u2019s much, much more painful in many people\u2019s heads. Horrible, unspeakably bad things have happened to them, and their heads are filled with all kinds of dark thoughts and feelings. I don\u2019t see how they cope.<\/p>\n
But for most people, is it painful inside there? Because sometimes I find it to be quite unbearable, myself. And the worst part is, the worst part, I feel bad about something, and that makes me think even worse things, and pretty soon I\u2019m just making the shit up, all the horrible, awful things that I can think of, and they spin out of control and suddenly whatever is troubling me is at least a million times worse than it really is, because I imagine so many awful things.<\/p>\n
Except, of course, when things are worse than they appear, and then I find out, and then things really crumble. This has happened more times that necessary, certainly.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m staying at Amy and Jim\u2019s house this weekend, watching their many animals. One of the dogs is lying on my leg as I type this, as a matter of fact. He\u2019s a fairly spastic Italian greyhound (Italian greyhounds are fairly small), but at the moment he\u2019s very mellow. <\/p>\n
Yesterday afternoon, my mind was really spinning out of control. Not a good day, not at all. Too many conflicting emotions going on. So I came over to Amy and Jim\u2019s, and I started cleaning. The more I cleaned, the more I kept cleaning, the more I cleaned. It was such a good thing to do at the time, all that frantic cleaning. When I came back last night after rehearsal, the place looked great. I didn\u2019t even notice when I left in the afternoon, I just felt satisfied that I cleaned. Plus, I realize that a clean house doesn\u2019t matter the slightest bit when you\u2019re going through the kind of hell that Jim is, but at least it makes me feel like I\u2019m doing something for them. I know that all that really matters is that their pets are well taken care of, and I am doing a good job of that, inasmuch as they don\u2019t need lots of care, really. I give them a few extra treats, and they feel that their lives are perfect. They never, ever have to worry about being their perfect weight, they have no idea of the misery around them, they don\u2019t let things in their head spin out of control so that they want to just run away. They\u2019re perfectly content, chewing on rawhide bones, and on each other.<\/p>\n
The play, \u201cYou Can\u2019t Take it With You,\u201d is going well, by the way. You should come see it. It opens next Frday night, February 11th, for two weekend at the Hoogland Center. Mom came to see one scene tonight, and she was impressed. That says a lot, believe me. If she doesn\u2019t like something, she\u2019s not afraid to say it. I grilled her about things I thought weren\u2019t so good, but she was pleasantly surprised by how good she thought it was. Whew. This makes me happy. If the play was terrible, it wouldn\u2019t be such a crushing blow to me, I\u2019m just grateful to have someplace to go and be silly and get out of this head for a few hours every night. So it being good will be a bonus, icing on the cake.<\/p>\n
Oh boy. I keep saying to myself, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. <\/p>\n
Let\u2019s hope.<\/p>\n
Ok then,<\/p>\n
Grace<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My friend Erica said to me last night, \u201cYou\u2019re brave, writing all that stuff on your blog.\u201d Certainly not brave. Foolish, yes. Not brave. Not foolish, I guess, either. Just me. I need to express myself, pretty much all the time. I can\u2019t help it. I usually don\u2019t wonder if anybody is really reading. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_hide_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_featured_image_duplicate_dismissed":0,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-69","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6JLYy-17","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=69"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=69"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=69"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=69"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}