…and live every day as it comes.<\/p>\n
does that sound sad or anything to you? i mean, just because i wrote that my life has no meaning since i finished reading harry potter#6, that doesn\u2019t mean i\u2019m sad. it just means that life has no meaning, but if you don\u2019t expect it to have any meaning (or happiness at all), then if some little good thing DOES happen to sneak in, well, then things feel good. <\/p>\n
and if nothing good EVER happens, then it won\u2019t be such a big deal, because i\u2019m not expecting anything good to happen.<\/p>\n
but i wouldn\u2019t call this SAD, by any means.<\/p>\n
realistic. tonight i\u2019m chock full of realism. before, i\u2019ve been a moronic optimist, and that has never gotten me anywhere. did i win lots of money on the game show? no. did i sell a screenplay for a million dollars (or even half a million)? Uh uh. did a boyfriend actually follow through when we were going to go spend quality time with his parents so we could get to know each other better, because there was talk of marriage? no way, jose. i could go back further, back and back into my life, all the many many countless things that i hoped and expected would happen but didn\u2019t, but then i\u2019ll be re-living the moronic optimism, which won\u2019t do anybody any good. <\/p>\n
as a matter of fact, i could even discuss plenty of more current (and therefore infinitely more relevant and potentially prickly) things that i\u2019d retardedly thought were going to magically occur and work out, but then all blew up.<\/p>\n
not going there. right now i\u2019m just focusing on the abandoning of hope and trying to keep living each day. not morose. neutral, i\u2019m very neutral. like switzerland. (didn\u2019t woody allen say that in a movie one time?). <\/p>\n
this is one reason why i\u2019m not going crazy about the strange and absurd place i\u2019m in with trying to get accepted to graduate school. i do get annoyed almost every day by the latest development, but it\u2019s not like it\u2019s keeping me up nights. if i don\u2019t get accepted in time for classes to start, well then, i\u2019ll think of something else to try to keep my mind from completely falling right out of my head from disuse.<\/p>\n
i am reading another book now. it\u2019s by garrison keillor, and it\u2019s called “love me.” it\u2019s kind of odd, in that my impression of garrison and all his lake wobegon stuff and “prairie home companion” is that this is all very midwestern homespun apple pie tender hugs kind of writing. but “love me” is about a writer who writes a successful book, moves to NYC and works at the new yorker, but has writer\u2019s block and spends lots and lots of time having sex with women who aren\u2019t his wife, and he\u2019s kind of an ass.<\/p>\n
so of course it\u2019s just weird to read all this stuff by GARRISON KEILLOR. <\/p>\n
it\u2019s a very fast read, and i\u2019m already halfway done, plus i got a bunch of books at the library, so theoretically i\u2019ll be filling the gaping, bleeding wound caused by lack of meaning due to no HP.<\/p>\n
but of course i\u2019m not counting on them doing a good job of it, not at all.<\/p>\n
here\u2019s something i thought about today, when sometimes my mood wasn\u2019t so great – i\u2019d like to have another website blog inside this one. a SECRET one, that would have someplace on the screen that you could click, but you\u2019d have to type in a password to get there, but only i would know the password, and the only way you could read the stuff is if i, personally, told you what the password was. and that way i could be truly, actually UNCENSORED, for just the people who need to really know. what do you think, christine? possible? <\/p>\n
christine probably won\u2019t be able to get right on that tomorrow, because she has to have her nose RE-BROKEN.<\/p>\n
ouch, is all i have to say about that.<\/p>\n
perhaps i\u2019ve been up too long today. i didn\u2019t even exercise at all this morning, because i was awake for a very pointless two hours last night, so now i fear that there\u2019s not a good chance of sleeping through the night tonight because i have no reason to be tired since i didn\u2019t work out, but i did give quite a few massages today, which did make me quite hungry, so maybe i\u2019m actually subconsciously tired, as well.<\/p>\n
we\u2019ll see how it goes.<\/p>\n
last night i turned on the light and read for a while, because i got so very bored with just lying there not sleeping, and i thought about turning on the computer and writing, but that seemed like much too much effort.<\/p>\n
it\u2019s all tied in with the brain cells shrinking, this lethargy and apathy and general laziness.<\/p>\n
perhaps tomrrow will be a lovely day.<\/p>\n
but i\u2019m not counting on it.<\/p>\n
ok then,<\/p>\n
grace determinedly neutral at least for tonight. tomorrow might be completely different, however.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
…and live every day as it comes. does that sound sad or anything to you? i mean, just because i wrote that my life has no meaning since i finished reading harry potter#6, that doesn\u2019t mean i\u2019m sad. it just means that life has no meaning, but if you don\u2019t expect it to have any […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-235","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6JLYy-3N","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/235","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=235"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/235\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=235"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=235"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graceuncensored.com\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=235"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}