i just got my hair done (more blonde, lots of stripes, very very hip and chic looking), and i’ve had some caffeine and some chocolate, so i’m pretty wired at the moment. i’m going to have to calm right down soon, because i have a few massages to give this afternoon, and they have to last for more than 10 minutes apiece. i could be a record-holding super fast massagist, but i don’t know where those competitions would be held.

there’s going to be a grilled cheese sandwich eating contest at the fair this year. IL state fair, which starts on FRIDAY). doesn’t that sound stupid? in the paper it listed some of the people who’ll be in it, and the other fast-eating contests they’ve won. a woman won a cheesecake eating contest, a guy won a contest eating rice balls. this was an asian man; it seems that a lot of asian people have a thing for these kinds of contests. i was under the impression that many asian people are more studious and serious and scholarly than us. but some of them clearly SNAPPED because of all that industrial hardworking pressure, and decided to instead pursue championships in hotdog-eating.

there was also a thing in the paper a while ago about how you could win a chance to get married at the fair. you and a bunch of friends get free admission to the fair, and i’m not sure who performs the marriage ceremony – elvis himselvis? – and i wonder where they’d hold it. in a beer tent? surely not. but maybe if nobody actually enters the contest, it would be easy to find a couple in a beer tent willing (drunk enough) to get married in between beers.

i think the couple also gets a bunch of tickets for rides. that would be fun – get married, and then go on one of those upside down spinning backwards probably you’ll throw up kinds of rides.

speaking of contests – the other day i met a woman whose granddaughter was in some kind of international beautiful baby competition. i noticed a big trophy and a tiara sitting on her table, and she said her 11 month old granddaughter was in this competition, and this makes me think WHAT’S WRONG WITH PEOPLE? i mean, for one thing, the tiara would never fit the baby, unless she has an unproportionately gigantic head. but if her head is freakishly large, she’s not about to win any trophies, is she? i didn’t get to peek at the baby because she was sleeping (jet lag? was the competition held in paris, so the babies could stroll down the champs elysee wearing their tiaras and dragging the trophies?), so i couldn’t check on her head size.

and how did the baby win the competition? many babies are cute, but are they really that different looking? how would you choose one better than the rest? some weird kind of talent competion, maybe? but what on earth could a baby do? at eleven months…roll over? but how exciting is that? i guess that’s why you never see an International Baby Competition on TV, because they’d be too boring. Plus how could they keep them from bursting into tears at inappropriate times? and wouldn’t the winning be incredibly anticlimactic; would a baby really care about getting the tiara/trophy, would it even notice? and then it’d have to crawl down the runway, but what if it fell off the edge?

maybe they dress them up in different frilly outfits. hmm, i wonder if it’s just for girl babies? because really, most boy babies dressed in frilly outfits would just like girl babies, wouldn’t they? and it seems that it would be discrimination to not include the boy babies. but then again, nobody ever has a problem with men not being allowed in the miss america pageant.

i used to love to watch pageants on TV when i was a kid. i have this vivid memory (and most of my vivid memories are about as boring as my dreams of ironing or walking down the street) of watching the miss a. pageant, eating an open-faced peanut butter sandwich on white bread (smooth peanut butter).

perhaps all the pb sandwiches is one reason i was never able to compete in a pageant of any kind. also, my mom was never pushy. bur really, now, even if mom had been the most ultra of all pushy moms, it wouldn’t have made a difference, because i was never, ever, beauty pageant material. maybe when i was five.

maybe when i was ELEVEN MONTHS OLD! damn, think how different, glamorous and exciting and fabulous, my life would be right now if i’d only won some kind of international baby competition. wearing that tiara around for my entire childhood, carrying a wagon stuffed with trophies, i’m sure the trauma of trying to fit in would have been eliminated. everybody would have wanted to know me, because i’d be internationally famous, with a sash and everything.

the internat’l baby grandma had a big rhinestone pin that read “INTERNATIONAL BABY COMPETITION GRANDMA.”

i sure with i could have gotten a look at that baby.

classes start at UIS in a WEEK AND A HALF. will i be going? hard to say. finally, FINALLY, the english department received all of the materials from the admissions office, after two ridiculous months. but then the woman informed me that the final department decision makers PROBABLY WON’T BE IN TILL NEXT MONDAY.


i’m going to call again tomorrow, just because calling is part of my routine now. i’m not getting excited about classes, because of course who knows if the admissions process will ever be over. i have been formulating backup plans, though, for things to do in case i don’t get in and i have too much free time. lots of plans. i have lots of plans for lots of different things in my life, as a matter of fact. seize the day! carpe diem! or is that “let the buyer beware?” make things happen for yourself!

it’s just the caffeine/chocolate talking.

ok then,

grace happy for the temporary rush of energy and zest, no matter how artificially induced.