well. predominant, at the forefront of my brain right now, is a feeling of profound annoyance. mixed with some melancholy and general unhappiness with the world and all that is in it.

ok, maybe things aren’t QUITE that bad.

but close.

the thing is, i can’t think of any of the things that are annoying to me that i can actually share with you here.

censor censor censor.

at least i can tell you about my rehearsal tonight.

i’m pretty sure i mentioned the rehearsal i had last sunday night at my friend ann’s house, and the people there LAUGHED and LAUGHED and it was fun and great and felt really good and exciting for me, personally.

tonight i rehearsed at the arts center, on the very stage where i’ll be saturday night.

i invited a few people to watch. my friend thad, his mom, his daughter, his sister and her friend. kate was there. she brought don. P. (Prognosticator) was there. and kurt, of course, and randy. mom.

they all sat in different places in the theater. i couldn’t see most of them.

it appeared that nobody laughed. it appeared to me that there was NO LAUGHTER AT ALL.


let me say it again.


once again, i had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that i should abandon the stupid idea of doing this show, i should cancel, i should call the arts council tomorrow and tell them i’ve died and so i can’t possibly go on.

the thing is, they claimed afterwards that they WERE laughing. but the thing is, there weren’t very many of them. and it’s a pretty darn big theatre. so it certainly seemed to me that they HATED it.

we had some technical difficulties; we couldn’t figure out how to make the projected picture a little smaller; it was way too big on the wall. plus there wasn’t a way to hook up the audio, so the videos were pretty much pointless.


surly. beyond surly.

i need a tripod. i have to go buy one tomorrow. i don’t really have any free time to buy one. but i will, because i have to have one. i need it so i can videotape the performance. i’m going to make christine be in charge of this, although she doesn’t know it yet.

i have to buy a tripod. plus some new false eyelashes.

not now, all the stores are closed, or at least i hope they are. but i bet that if i really really wanted to get out of bed right now, i could go find a place open that is selling false eyelashes.

other issues with the show – well, apparently the arts council doesn’t provide anybody to do the lights. how do they get done? were they going to tell me this? clearly not. i met a very lovely and gracious man tonight named nathan cooke who is in charge of the muni first night show, and he told me that he’s doing the lights for their show, and he’d be happy to do the ones for me. HOW NICE IS THAT? very, very nice. so i’ll have lights. a good thing. what a nice man. nice to unexpectedly meet somebody nice and helpful like that.

so many other crabbiness issues. i had my very first night of play rehearsal right after my rehearsal. maybe i’m a little over-tired, perhaps, from all this rehearsing? the play practice went ok. i have a few things to say about that, but once again, this is not the place to say them.

where, then?

it’s raining hard right now. this makes me happy, at least, because it means it’s NOT SNOWING. i feel we will have no more snow all winter, and suddenly it will be spring and then…and then…life will be much better.

really, it will.

how, HOW can i have this ridiculous optimism in the face of the cold hard facts of the reality that i’m facing, which is just BAD in almost every way?


my general retardation, i suppose. how can i be so smart and yet SO RETARDED at the same time? in some aspects i have no intelligence, no common sense whatsoever, at all.

saturday night, will you come to my show? i hope so. and more importantly, i hope you’ll laugh.

but if you don’t, oh well. i survived the feeling that nobody laughed one bit tonight, and i’m still here, breathing in and out.

bring it on.

2006 is going to be a better year. i’m just going to start saying that all the time, every day, and by doing so, maybe i can will this into becoming an actually real reality, instead of this thing that i just invent in my head that really doesn’t come true at all.


and again.


goodnight then.