…and live every day as it comes.

does that sound sad or anything to you? i mean, just because i wrote that my life has no meaning since i finished reading harry potter#6, that doesn’t mean i’m sad. it just means that life has no meaning, but if you don’t expect it to have any meaning (or happiness at all), then if some little good thing DOES happen to sneak in, well, then things feel good.

and if nothing good EVER happens, then it won’t be such a big deal, because i’m not expecting anything good to happen.

but i wouldn’t call this SAD, by any means.

realistic. tonight i’m chock full of realism. before, i’ve been a moronic optimist, and that has never gotten me anywhere. did i win lots of money on the game show? no. did i sell a screenplay for a million dollars (or even half a million)? Uh uh. did a boyfriend actually follow through when we were going to go spend quality time with his parents so we could get to know each other better, because there was talk of marriage? no way, jose. i could go back further, back and back into my life, all the many many countless things that i hoped and expected would happen but didn’t, but then i’ll be re-living the moronic optimism, which won’t do anybody any good.

as a matter of fact, i could even discuss plenty of more current (and therefore infinitely more relevant and potentially prickly) things that i’d retardedly thought were going to magically occur and work out, but then all blew up.

not going there. right now i’m just focusing on the abandoning of hope and trying to keep living each day. not morose. neutral, i’m very neutral. like switzerland. (didn’t woody allen say that in a movie one time?).

this is one reason why i’m not going crazy about the strange and absurd place i’m in with trying to get accepted to graduate school. i do get annoyed almost every day by the latest development, but it’s not like it’s keeping me up nights. if i don’t get accepted in time for classes to start, well then, i’ll think of something else to try to keep my mind from completely falling right out of my head from disuse.

i am reading another book now. it’s by garrison keillor, and it’s called “love me.” it’s kind of odd, in that my impression of garrison and all his lake wobegon stuff and “prairie home companion” is that this is all very midwestern homespun apple pie tender hugs kind of writing. but “love me” is about a writer who writes a successful book, moves to NYC and works at the new yorker, but has writer’s block and spends lots and lots of time having sex with women who aren’t his wife, and he’s kind of an ass.

so of course it’s just weird to read all this stuff by GARRISON KEILLOR.

it’s a very fast read, and i’m already halfway done, plus i got a bunch of books at the library, so theoretically i’ll be filling the gaping, bleeding wound caused by lack of meaning due to no HP.

but of course i’m not counting on them doing a good job of it, not at all.

here’s something i thought about today, when sometimes my mood wasn’t so great – i’d like to have another website blog inside this one. a SECRET one, that would have someplace on the screen that you could click, but you’d have to type in a password to get there, but only i would know the password, and the only way you could read the stuff is if i, personally, told you what the password was. and that way i could be truly, actually UNCENSORED, for just the people who need to really know. what do you think, christine? possible?

christine probably won’t be able to get right on that tomorrow, because she has to have her nose RE-BROKEN.

ouch, is all i have to say about that.

perhaps i’ve been up too long today. i didn’t even exercise at all this morning, because i was awake for a very pointless two hours last night, so now i fear that there’s not a good chance of sleeping through the night tonight because i have no reason to be tired since i didn’t work out, but i did give quite a few massages today, which did make me quite hungry, so maybe i’m actually subconsciously tired, as well.

we’ll see how it goes.

last night i turned on the light and read for a while, because i got so very bored with just lying there not sleeping, and i thought about turning on the computer and writing, but that seemed like much too much effort.

it’s all tied in with the brain cells shrinking, this lethargy and apathy and general laziness.

perhaps tomrrow will be a lovely day.

but i’m not counting on it.

ok then,

grace determinedly neutral at least for tonight. tomorrow might be completely different, however.