GRACE UNCENSORED

Dec. 31, 2005

countdown to VA VA VOOM... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:24 pm

i’m at amy’s salon, and my hair is now long and blonde and pretty damn sexy.

my new friend linda, who is in the play with me, called to wish me well. this was really nice of her. because i started feeling a little anxious.

but i’m better now. i went to the arts center and kurt was there and we hooked everything up and it’s all gonna be good. all good.

good.

mood: ok. supressing anything bad. only thinking good-n-positive thoughts.

my friend ann also called, and she’s going to see most of my show even though she’s performing at 9! so this will be a little bit of a rush for her, but i’m so glad she’s going to be there.

good good good.

i even see a little bit of sun peeking out.

whew.

good. new year, good. new year’s eve, good.

see you soon, unless you won’t be there, which would be a darn shame since this is ONE NIGHT ONLY.

ok then,
grace, nearing readiness.

the mercurial moods of me [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:45 am
i’m a gemini, fyi. i was born may 24, in case you’re wanting to get an early start on the gifts. but gemini, that means twins, or a split personality. but for me, it’s not so much a split personality as it is a mood that changes in a split second. happiness to anger, depression to delight, all in the blink of an eye.

like this morning. mood, changed. just like that. the sun went behind the clouds, we’re back to dark and dreariness. and my mood, all of a sudden, just pissed off.

somebody was trying to say something about my surliness, that it seems kind of...i don’t remember what they said exactly, i was kind of tired...they said it seemed like pretty tame and mild surliness. surly lite.

but the feeling of being pissed off...not lite. truly, genuinely pissed.

so then i went running.

anger is a great fuel for running. i ran 15 minutes out, and went a whole lot farther than i’ve been going recently.

and it helped. running helps almost everything. my feeling of anger subsided a little as i ran fast fast fast (fast for me, you understand, and it’s not really fast at all), and then on the way back, i wasn’t as pissed.

because nothing really matters.

nope.

nothing.

matters.

so i’m back to this dull feeling of surliness. which i can deal with. regular surliness.

and now i shower and get ready for stuff.

and if you happen to be reading this, and you happen to be going to the show tonight, well...up there on the stage, i’m going to appear relaxed and happy and like i’m having a really good time. because i know on some level that’s really how i feel.

but underneath, who knows where the mood will be by then.

see ya later alligator.

surly g.

oh, and one more thing.... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:30 am

...one last enticement to get you to come tonight...

ready for the show.

SUNNY [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:27 am

i woke up this morning AND THERE WAS THE SUN AGAIN.

this bodes really well for the rest of the day. not to mention tonight. not to mention the new year, which is coming right up. 2006, going to be good. really good. i promise.

so, last night...well, MCL was every bit as exciting as i thought it’d be. christine loaded up with stuff because it’s a cafeteria and that’s what one has a tendency to do at a cafeteria, but then she couldn’t eat it all because she’s christine.

afterwards we went to randy’s and his neighbors the snyders were already there, waiting for my show rehearsal. i’d forgotten that they went to one of my other gracetalks; they went to #1. #1 was good. i think #3 is going to be the best one, though. too bad i’m only doing it once.

i put in the new dvd that kurt gave me yesterday and randy tried to work the pause button - and it didn’t go well. he kept trying to practice doing it, but he kept pressing the wrong button, which made him frustrated and i was getting a little annoyed, but we decided to just start anyway.

and i kept going even though he kept losing his place and going back to the beginning and it was all quite a fiasco. finally i stopped so he could figure out how to do it, and i tried not to be mad at him, because it certainly wasn’t his fault and he kept saying I DON’T LIKE TECHNOLOGY.

so i started again and it went ok. actually, it went pretty well. i felt more relaxed about the whole thing, didn’t talk a mile a minute like i have a propensity to do. the snyders said they really liked it, and then we had a bunch of wine and treats which randy had graciously provided. i managed to stay away from most of the treats except for the liqueur-filled chocolates which i ate about four of. they went nicely with the wine.

then christine and randy and i watched some sex & the city and had some interesting discussions about that.

ok then. almost ready to go.

another rehearsal at two. and then i get some fancy sexy long hair courtesy of amy.

this morning i was going to lie around and be lazy. P. (the Pope, we have interesting conversations late at night) suggested that i take it easy today. this sounded good last night when i was exhausted, but now THE SUN HAS COME OUT, so i’m thinking i’ll go for a little run. not anything long, not for an hour, nothing that’s going to exhaust me. just a nice little 30-minute run, which should be invigorating and life-affirming. getting the muscles working, the blood flowing. it does feel like it’s been about a year since i’ve exercised outside and i know it hasn’t been quite that long, but this is my last chance this year.

and then, relaxing and stuff. maybe i’ll go out to lunch.

ok, i hope to see you tonight.

grace at the end of 2005. which was kind of a crummy year, all in all. i mean, could have been worse, but certainly could have been way way way better. i’m thinking SO DAMN POSITIVE about 2006, though, that i’m going to WILL it into begin good. yes i am.

“the power of positive thinking.” isn’t that a book?

Dec. 30, 2005

big big day [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 6:46 pm
so, THE ABRAHAM LINCOLN PRESIDENTIAL MUSEUM.

WHY HAVEN’T YOU BEEN THERE YET?

IT IS FABULOUS.

we got there, and first of all i got a discount because i’m a student. and then when we got into the main hall, there was my friend phil f., KING OF THE MUSEUM.

if i knew his real actual title, i’d write that down. well, i guess i would. KING OF THE MUSEUM sounds so good, though, doesn’t it? he might as well be K of the M.

He sat with us as we watched the BEST thing there at the museum in my opinion, the “ghost of the library” show. i’m not sure if this is the actual official title, but it’s surely close. P. (Performer Man) was performing the show, and it was great to see it again. i haven’t been to the museum since last march, and i don’t know why it’s taken me so long to get back.

after the show we got to GO UP ON THE STAGE. this was quite exciting, except that P. said “don’t bump into that light.” this is exactly like randy handing me his VERY VERY EXPENSIVE AND FANCY XMAS ORNAMENT and saying “be careful with this because it’s very expensive and fancy,” and i proceeded to drop it and SMASH IT INTO SMITHEREENS.

i didn’t actually smash anything on the stage in the library (i wonder if they’d have thrown me out of the museum then and there if i did?) but i did manage to bump a light. but they didn’t yell at me. not too much.

we got to see all the backstage behind the scenes area there in back of the show, which included a “green room” that was actually blue, and a room for snacks where there were actually LOTS OF SNACKS sitting around. so that the various ghosts don’t faint from hunger. it can be pretty tiring and exhausting being a ghost, what with all the vaporizing and stuff.

after that we went all around to the other FABULOUS THINGS in the museum. they were just as great as they were the first time, and it’s really moving and stirring to read the stuff about the soldiers, and to watch the timeline of war on a big map and i love that museum.

christine is sitting around here in my living room right now, and she’s drinking a cup of hot water.

yeah, i go to great pains to treat my guests right. i spare no expense.

i told her she could put a tea bag in the hot water, but she demurred.

we’re going to go to the MCL cafeteria with mom and dad pretty soon. why? because we’re VERY VERY EXCITING here in spfld illinois.

and then we’re going to randy’s and i’m going to do the show for christine, who will be a fabulous and willing audience member, and randy’s neighbors might come over to watch, too, which would be great, the more the merrier.

and then, probably, we’ll be forced to play a little boggle so christine can totally beat randy at it, even though he thinks he’s going to beat her.

friday night, and things are hoppin'.

ok then,

grace SO CLOSE to the end of the year...

oh boy. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:06 am
that is the only feeling i feel i can feel at this time on friday morning.

perhaps there will be more later in the day.

let’s see, surely i have a photo to show you...

singing dress

ok already,

grace not quite ready for the day.

1:02 a.m.! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 1:12 am

SUCH a nice night. rehearsal went well, thad and christine showed up for the last half hour, then we went and had a drink and it was highly enjoyable.

a few drinks. i, personally, had three.

2006, i’m telling you, is going to be a GOOD year.

2005, not so great. not so good.

kind of bad. bad-ish. full of some badness.

2006, gonna be MUCH MUCH BETTER.

christine and i got home and she realized she’d left her bags in thad’s car. so we met him at the jewel parking lot, it felt like a drug deal. we loaded her bags into my car and went home, and it’s good to be in bed right now.

sleep, such an excellent thing.

tomorrow, we’re going to the ABRAHAM LINCOLN PRESIDENTIAL MUSEUM. such a fun thing to look forward to. can’t wait. looking forward to it. a lot.

today a friend told another friend that i’m so much DARKER in writing than in real life. so, what’s the reality? i guess both. both. i mean, i can feel pretty good...but then again, i can also smile and say things are fine, but of course that’s not really what’s going on.

but i’ve discussed this before, haven’t i? i mean, isn’t this how everybody operates? except children, who say exactly what’s on their mind. no holds barred.

so this is kind of like being a child, i guess, no holds barred.

except also, i think that i somehow have a tendency to express things that are perhaps not quite as sunny here. just because. UNcensored. except for all the self-censoring i do.

so i guess the UNcensored part is the part of me that expresses more of what i feel, really and truly.

three glasses of red wine tonight. at least i didn’t have four. because then i probably would have just gotten sad and overly-tired and things would have gotten ugly.

goodnight.

tomorrow, nothing but good times.

ok then,

grace SO CLOSE TO THE NEW YEAR.

Dec. 29, 2005

nothing matters... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:16 am

this morning i told somebody that nothing matters. NOTHING. MATTERS. i don’t think i entirely convinced him.

but it doesn’t. really.

matter.

nothing.

hmm, how does that tone sound to you, the reader? kind of surly, maybe? or just completely apathetic about life as it is going on all around every single minute of every single day?

that’s it. the latter. apathy. not exactly surly or bitter or anything like that.

last night i washed down one half an antihistamine with a glass of red wine. not a WINE glass, because they’re too tippy and there would be an excellent chance of knocking it over. a juice glass.

it worked, really well. OUT like a light i was, and then i slept and slept.

weird dreams, though. but this was a refreshing change from the usual boring dreams.

except the weird dreams were a little disturbing.

i slept up till five a.m. - ok, this is not the time i normally get up. as a matter of fact, i can’t exactly recall if i’ve ever gotten up at five. i’m sure i did at some time in my life, but it’s been a while. but even then, i didn’t lie there tossing and turning for hours, i went back to sleep.

drugs are your friend.

as long as you don’t ABUSE them, of course. like, if i’d taken a WHOLE antihistamine instead of a half. then i’d have been really groggy today, and that won’t do because i’m about to MASSAGE AND MASSAGE AND MASSAGE.

a very very busy afternoon. in just a few minutes.

and then rehearsal. and thad and christine will come to my rehearsal and we’ll go out.

but i hope they won’t expect to stay out late because i just can’t do that.

but maybe i’ll go really crazy and have a diet coke today. that should keep me up late.

sun, by the way? no. hell no. no more sun. sorry, charlie, maybe there’ll be sun in 2006?

which, in case you haven’t heard, is going to be a really FANTASTIC year.

my character in the play, says FANTASTIC a lot. also TERRIFIC. quite a bit of that.

FANTASTIC, with a british accent. and doing it with the issue makes it sound even more...FANTASTIC.

ok, work work work,

ready for anything grace.

Dec. 28, 2005

wednesday NIGHT [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:01 pm
whew. the 10 o'clock “sex & the city,” both channels, were repeats. so i didn’t watch. instead, i started some laundry and got some stuff done. and then, the lone 10:30 s&tc was also a repeat i’d recently seen.

so maybe i’ll have to re-think buying the whole set.

ok, there’s a show on bravo called, i believe, “project runway.” it’s very intense, with judges and scoring and all that other reality show crap they have, with the dramatic music and the penetrating looks and all of that. except the difference is that instead of it being some stupid contest with people in some remote place starving to death and doing a bunch of ridiculous stunts, this is all about FASHION and MODELS on a runway.

what’s wrong with TV land, that’s all i’m asking. i guess the appeal for guys is the model aspect of it. what guy doesn’t want to watch some woman parading up and down a runway wearing pretty much nothing but a bit of fluff?

what’s wrong with tv land? why? why? why?

damn, i wish i’d bought a lottery ticket today. i could have used the winnings to buy a ticket to a place where THEY HAVE SUN.

tomorrow, i have too much going on. too many massages, etc.

today amy called me and asked if i have a red glove. yes, i said. she had it. this was nice to know. i’d worn the red gloves today, but then all of a sudden i just had one of them. so i wore the lone red glove, thankful that at least i had one. but i also wondered where i’d lost the other one. i’ve lost these red gloves over and over. i also now have just one grey glove. also one white glove. i have two black gloves, but i’m not completely sure where they are.

gloves are important. now, at least in theory, i have two red gloves again. i’m sure one will go away again, but then they always seem to re-appear.

i have a little problem with losing things. i don’t worry that my brain cells are evaporating (although surely they must be), because i’ve always had a problem with losing things. it’s a trait i’ve managed to maintain over the years.

tomorrow, very busy. but then friday, potentially a lovely day, including a trip to the ABRAHAM LINCOLN PRESIDENTAL MUSEUM, which i’m looking forward to immensely.

good night.

soon to be 2006 grace. which is going to be a good year.

WEDNESDAY! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 2:01 pm

ok, so i’m resigned to the fact that the sun will never ever come out again.

no more.

ok, fine.

i’ll just stay inside giving massages.

i was out in the weather too much today, and it wasn’t pretty. drizzly and cold and windy, plus there are many many people out and about, too many people, clogging up the parking lots with their extra-huge monster trucks driven by drunk stupid blind eight year olds.

best buy, for example. this guy pulled in behind me as i was trying to exit, and his big huge monster truck was so monsterous that it blocked much of the part of the parking lot that is supposed to be for driving.

i’m sure he’s actually a very charming, lovely person, once he gets out of his monster truck.

i spent some time at that great used bookstore in back of cub. it’s in a little strip mall where the running center is, i think it’s called THE BOOK RACK. i was looking for books for my upcoming class. i didn’t find any, but that place really is a hidden treasure. they have lots and lots of good books, especially hardbacks. when i was there, i realized i probably could have done all my xmas shopping there. next year? except last year i said i was going to do all my xmas shopping this year at the frank lloyd house gift shop, and i didn’t even go there at all, even though i did think of it fleetingly.

ok, got those xmas trees down yet? decorations away? ready for SPRING?

yep, 2006 is going to very good.

see, i type this, and that will make it happen.

uh huh.

convincing myself through typing. kind of like hypnosis.

P. (pancho villa) e-mailed me this morning to tell me that “prognosticator” is one who predicts the future. i was a little hazy on the definition, and had told him i thought it meant somebody who thinks a lot. so it sort of is that, but the thinking is more focused. thinking ABOUT the future.

in a prediction kind of way.

ok, i’ve had (too many) mini chocolates here at amy’s salon PLUS a large iced tea so i have to hopefully make myself give relaxing and SLOW massages, because at the moment i feel that i could easily give a one-hour massage in approximately seven minutes.

all right all right all right,

end of december clearance grace.

silly me at 4:49 a.m. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:05 am

and there i was, all worried about not having enough time to get things done this week. i found that i actually have plenty of time, at least here at the four a.m. hour of the day. i woke up about 45 minutes ago and quickly got bored with just lying here worrying about every single thing in my life plus more, so i got up and began cleaning and organizing.

cleaning and organizing! so much can get done when one is focused and very very alert at 4 in the morning.

things are much neater now. the day will be a sunny one, i’m sure. filled with plenty of joy, sunshine, good feelings, happiness, and tranquility.

yep, all that. and more.

happiness. right around the corner.

uh huh.

okey dokey.

now, maybe, just maybe, i’ll be able to get back to sleep.

not that i’m getting my hopes up.

ok.
grace.

Dec. 27, 2005

TUESDAY night [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:34 pm

well. predominant, at the forefront of my brain right now, is a feeling of profound annoyance. mixed with some melancholy and general unhappiness with the world and all that is in it.

ok, maybe things aren’t QUITE that bad.

but close.

the thing is, i can’t think of any of the things that are annoying to me that i can actually share with you here.

censor censor censor.

at least i can tell you about my rehearsal tonight.

i’m pretty sure i mentioned the rehearsal i had last sunday night at my friend ann’s house, and the people there LAUGHED and LAUGHED and it was fun and great and felt really good and exciting for me, personally.

tonight i rehearsed at the arts center, on the very stage where i’ll be saturday night.

i invited a few people to watch. my friend thad, his mom, his daughter, his sister and her friend. kate was there. she brought don. P. (Prognosticator) was there. and kurt, of course, and randy. mom.

they all sat in different places in the theater. i couldn’t see most of them.

it appeared that nobody laughed. it appeared to me that there was NO LAUGHTER AT ALL.

AT ALL.

let me say it again.

AT ALL.

once again, i had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that i should abandon the stupid idea of doing this show, i should cancel, i should call the arts council tomorrow and tell them i’ve died and so i can’t possibly go on.

the thing is, they claimed afterwards that they WERE laughing. but the thing is, there weren’t very many of them. and it’s a pretty darn big theatre. so it certainly seemed to me that they HATED it.

we had some technical difficulties; we couldn’t figure out how to make the projected picture a little smaller; it was way too big on the wall. plus there wasn’t a way to hook up the audio, so the videos were pretty much pointless.

whew.

surly. beyond surly.

i need a tripod. i have to go buy one tomorrow. i don’t really have any free time to buy one. but i will, because i have to have one. i need it so i can videotape the performance. i’m going to make christine be in charge of this, although she doesn’t know it yet.

i have to buy a tripod. plus some new false eyelashes.

not now, all the stores are closed, or at least i hope they are. but i bet that if i really really wanted to get out of bed right now, i could go find a place open that is selling false eyelashes.

other issues with the show - well, apparently the arts council doesn’t provide anybody to do the lights. how do they get done? were they going to tell me this? clearly not. i met a very lovely and gracious man tonight named nathan cooke who is in charge of the muni first night show, and he told me that he’s doing the lights for their show, and he’d be happy to do the ones for me. HOW NICE IS THAT? very, very nice. so i’ll have lights. a good thing. what a nice man. nice to unexpectedly meet somebody nice and helpful like that.

so many other crabbiness issues. i had my very first night of play rehearsal right after my rehearsal. maybe i’m a little over-tired, perhaps, from all this rehearsing? the play practice went ok. i have a few things to say about that, but once again, this is not the place to say them.

where, then?

it’s raining hard right now. this makes me happy, at least, because it means it’s NOT SNOWING. i feel we will have no more snow all winter, and suddenly it will be spring and then...and then...life will be much better.

really, it will.

how, HOW can i have this ridiculous optimism in the face of the cold hard facts of the reality that i’m facing, which is just BAD in almost every way?

HOW?

my general retardation, i suppose. how can i be so smart and yet SO RETARDED at the same time? in some aspects i have no intelligence, no common sense whatsoever, at all.

saturday night, will you come to my show? i hope so. and more importantly, i hope you’ll laugh.

but if you don’t, oh well. i survived the feeling that nobody laughed one bit tonight, and i’m still here, breathing in and out.

bring it on.

2006 is going to be a better year. i’m just going to start saying that all the time, every day, and by doing so, maybe i can will this into becoming an actually real reality, instead of this thing that i just invent in my head that really doesn’t come true at all.

whew.

and again.

whew.

goodnight then.

grace.

Dec. 26, 2005

11:47 on monday night... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:58 pm

gee WHIZ i need to get to sleep. i’ve been talking on the phone to scott for a while now. scott and i were together for about eight years, on and off, and we’ve been broken up for 10 1/2 years now. a very, very long time. i haven’t talked to him on the phone for a long time because we never seem to connect at the right time. it was nice to talk to him tonight. i’m glad we can be friends. for a while after we broke up for the last and final time, i was first just incredibly upset to be without him, and then i sort of hated him, but after a while i liked him again, and now we’re friends. christine and i went to austin to visit him almost two years ago, and it was fun, and i’ll probably go visit him again this spring, before the weather gets nice here.

it’s just funny about old boyfriends. scott won’t ever read this writing here, i’m not exactly sure why. but that’s ok. but at the same time it’s kind of annoying, but not annoying to actually be upset about, because it’s just scott, that’s the way he is.

it’s just nice to have a little history with a person, there aren’t a lot of people in my life who i have that much history with. i don’t have friends from childhood, nobody from high school or anything, if i do happen to see somebody i might have gone to high school with, i generally try to duck and avoid them. this works quite well, by the way.

i should be asleep. i am in bed, i’m very ready to go to sleep, but not quite there yet.

any minute now. before it becomes december 27th.

tomorrow night, rehearsal for my show and then rehearsal for the play i’m in. this is after a bunch of massages. busy busy busy.

it’s supposed to be FIFTY DEGREES here tomorrow, so all i really want to do is hang out outside.

it’s ok. things are ok. in an ok kind of way. kind of ok, but then again, some things are quite far from being ok. but these things, too, will be resolved, this week, and then things will all be ok.

not exactly good, not good, but ok. tolerable. manageable.

ok.

ok.

that’s all i have to say at this time.

grace. smith.

THE PRODUCERS [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 7:16 pm
I was going to see the new film version of “the producers” today, but my friend Thad told me that “everybody” was panning it. i almost didn’t go, because i just wanted some cheer and entertainment. but i did go, and i LOVED it.

i went home and looked up some reiews online and it appears that many BIG (at least six hundred pounds, i’m guessing) reviewers didn’t like it. i read the new york times review, except first i had to SIGN UP for the stupid nytimes online, and this annoyed me to have to sign up to read something that i HATED AND DID NOT AGREE WITH AT ALL.

i was going to read another bad review, this time on salon.com, but they wanted me to SIGN UP, and i think in order to regularly read it, they were going to make me PAY. maybe this isn’t really the case, i don’t know, i don’t care, i was annoyed enough to read the first few crummy crappy stupid lousy sentences the smug reviewer had to say.

the movie was fun, delightful, entertaining, and i laughed a few times. i usually never laugh at comedies, and i’m usually disappointed in them.

what makes me mad also is that if i tell thad how much i liked the movie, i have a feeling that he’ll go on about how the reviewers must know SOMETHING since they get paid to review.

screw the reviewers. wrong, they’re wrong.

i knew a guy in LA who was first a big literary agent then a producer, and one time he got mad at me because i didn’t like a movie. the movie had gotten many many glowing reviews. i told him i didn’t like the film, and he told me about all the reviews and was APPALLED that i didn’t care about all the glowing reviews. he said “if you went to see a film and it got ONE THOUSAND good reviews, wouldn’t you like it? doesn’t that tell you something?”

YES, IT TELLS ME THAT I DON’T AGREE WITH ONE THOUSAND REVIEWERS, AND IT TELLS ME THAT YOU’RE AN IDIOT IF YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LOVE SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE DO. I mean, the guy was acting like there was something wrong with ME, he didn’t seem to understand at all how i could be so radical and crazy and independent. i think maybe he’d been living in LA a little bit too long.

i have a couple other issues at the moment, forgive all this yelling by CAPITALIZATION. i never ever yell in real life, only in print. not really print, in type.

i couldn’t bear the thought of running outside today even though it wasn’t really that cold. the greyness is becoming pretty darned oppressive. pretty darn.

tomorrow starts a whole bunch of busy activities. i’m think i’m all rested up for them.

ok for now,

grace.

the day after... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:27 am

i’m still in bed, trying to decide if i’m going to wait for the sun to come out before i get up. but if i do that i might stay in bed all day. would that be such a bad thing?

the xmas pizza turned out extra-good. sometimes it’s just better than others, for no apparent reason.

gee, i could have been shopping for three hours already. do you think that the nutcases who actually got up and shopped at six a.m. are still out shopping, or are they at home now, exhausted from buying more and more stuff? they’re probably having lunch already.

i don’t mean “nutcases” in a bad way, of course. if you happen to be reading this while eating your lunch because you got up at five and have been shopping like a maniac and are now starving, well, more power to you. without shopping we wouldn’t have any capitalism, right? i’m pretty sure that’s the basis of our country. shopping. as a matter of fact, all the shopping you’re doing right now makes you a much better citizen than me, because i usually don’t shop at all. i like to go to the grocery store, but i guess food shopping is one of those basic things that everybody does anyway. i usually don’t go out and just buy stuff, though.

i had this one boyfriend who i went grocery shopping with on our very first date. we were buying stuff to make dinner, but i found it very odd to be grocery shopping with a guy i didn’t really even know. it’s funny, we ended up doing lots and lots of shopping together. this was a man who really, really liked to shop. it got a little old, all this recreational shopping. he also loved action adventure films, and it was hard to get him to go see anything else. i remember sitting through this HORRIBLE action film that included lots of blood and violence, and thinking “this is the last movie i’m going to sit through with this man.”

the good thing about spending the whole day in bed is that i could just nap whenever i feel like it. plus it’s not like i wouldn’t accomplish anything, but then again life doesn’t have to always be about accomplishing things, but i could do all kinds of typing here on my computer.

but i’ll get up. if i took a bunch of naps there would be no chance of sleeping tonight.

damn, where is that sun? wouldn’t it be odd to live in one of those places where it’s only light for a couple of hours in the wintertime? i guess that’s why those places are so sparcely populated.

here’s another photo of me, further tempting you to come to my show on SATURDAY NIGHT. i’m not going to be wearing this, but i am going to show this photo:

pink slipdress

that was taken on a warm and sunny day, a happier time that feels like approximately one million years ago. at least one lifetime ago.

i was a redhead then, my brief hiatus as a redhead. i’m going to be strictly blonde now and forevermore.

ok then,

grace soon to be ringing in the new year.

Dec. 25, 2005

presents...UNWRAPPED [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:17 pm
so, i got my dad a new printer. his is at least a few years old and it’s horrible. and now he has a fancy new one, and it’ll print beautiful photos.

and then i was at best buy at the beginning of the week and on impulse i also bought amy and jim a new printer. new printers for everyone! i was excited about buying dad’s printer, but then i was even more excited about buying the second one. amy bought her printer last year, after i bought mine, and it’s identical...except their printer prints HORRIBLE photos. i mean, the printer was obviously defective but they never took it back, and they kept thinking it’d start printing right. but when i was in best buy wandering around trying to get something just to get something, suddenly this light bulb went off in my head and i bought the printer.

it’s very very quiet here right now. amy is napping, jim has been napping but is now looking at photos in a book. mom and david are taking a walk, and dad is doing something quietly somewhere.

ahh.

here’s a photo of dad and shortie, just before the gift-opening began:

and this is jim with his fuzzy new blanket from mercedes:

jim with blanket

and here’s amy with her “cuddler,” a big blanket thing with snaps and a zipper so it becomes a big soft robe, sort of. mom and i also got one:

amy and shadwo

mom got me this mug. life...good.

hmm, life, good? life’s not so bad.

consider the alternative.

david gave mom some instant lottery tickets, and they were studiously trying to figure out if she won big. she didn’t, which was a bitter disappointment to me, but she seemed happy to win five bucks.

mom and david

and finally, here is shortie, the cutest xmas dog ever.

shortie

whew.

ok then,

grace about to make some traditional xmas pizza.

merry merry merry... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:14 am

the amount of ads in the paper today is much much thicker than the actual newspaper. STORES OPEN AT SIX A.M. TOMORROW! if you just read ads, you would think that’s all people ever think about or do, just shop. shopping RIGHT UP TILL MIDNIGHT ON XMAS EVE, and then, after a day of ripping open the gifts, it’s BACK TO SHOPPING!

too much shopping.

way, way too much shopping.

nobody around here has opened any gifts yet. i’ve actually been working on some stuff. i’m about to go running even though it looks fairly dark and miserable out there.

i thought i’d show you a couple photos, though. this first one was taken the day we shot one of the videos for my show. so this is to entice you to COME SEE ME:

black dress

and how about a few xmas eve photos. this is amy and her niece nana: amy and nana

and here a picture of dad with shadow:

dad & shadow

that’s all for now. more later, as the xmas festivities continue...or at least start. eventually.

ok then,
xmas morning grace.

Dec. 24, 2005

this just in! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:24 pm
ok, yeah, now i’m getting bored. i used to spend entire work days, i mean all day long, i’d sit at work and look stuff up online. and now, i can’t think of anything that would interest me.

but i came across this story, and i thought it was kind of fascinating on one hand, and kind of incredibly not interesting at all on the other. so here it is:

New Year’s Day 2006: delayed by a second
By Jim Wolf
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Get ready for a minute with 61 seconds. Scientists are delaying the start of 2006 by the first “leap second” in seven years, a timing tweak meant to make up for changes in the Earth’s rotation.

The adjustment will be carried out by sticking an extra second into atomic clocks worldwide at the stroke of midnight Coordinated Universal Time, the widely adopted international standard, the U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology said this week.

“Enjoy New Year’s Eve a second longer,” the institute said in an explanatory notice. “You can toot your horn an extra second this year.”

Coordinated Universal Time coincides with winter time in London. On the U.S. East Coast, the extra second occurs just before 7 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. Atomic clocks at that moment will read 23:59:60 before rolling over to all zeros.

A leap second is added to keep uniform timekeeping within 0.9 second of the Earth’s rotational time, which can speed up or slow down because of many factors, including ocean tides. The first leap second was added on June 30, 1972, according to NIST, an arm of the U.S. Commerce Department.

Since 1999 until recently, the two time standards have been in close enough synch to escape any need to add a leap second, NIST said.

Although it is possible to have a negative leap second – that is, a second deducted from Coordinated Universal Time – so far all have been add-ons, reflecting the Earth’s general slowing trend due to tidal breaking.

Deciding when to introduce a leap second is the responsibility of the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a standards-setting body. Under an international pact, the preference for leap seconds is December 31 or June 30.

Precise time measurements are needed for high-speed communications systems among other modern technologies.

© Reuters 2005. All Rights Reserved.
***********

interesting, i think. and what about this International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service? who works there? how much do they get paid? does the job come with health benefits? i mean, is this their ONLY job, deciding whether to add a second to TIME? and doesn’t that seem like it’s sort of...FOOLING WITH MOTHER NATURE? i mean, ADDING A SECOND? i mean, you add a second here, a second there, and all of a sudden we’ll be...ahead? behind? we’ll eventually add a whole day? or maybe lose one?

i can see that i’m never going to get a job at the int'l. earth rotation and reference systems service, so i might as well not even bother trying to send them a resume.

plus, now that the excitemet of ADDING A SINGLE SECOND to TIME is over, there won’t be anything at all to do for the next seven years. maybe they’ll all go on vacation for a while, a few years, and then they’ll spend a couple of years quibbling about whether to add or maybe SUBTRACT a second. some radical commie pinko nutcase will want to subtract a second, just to be difficult. or maybe they’ll want to add TWO seconds, which of course would result in WORLDWIDE PANDEMONIUM.

which we should really try to avoid, if at all possible. seeing as how it’s less than an HOUR awaf from xmas from where i’m sitting.

ok then,

merry xmas grace.

XMAS EVE... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:34 pm

not so bad. i mean really, not so very bad.

i ran so long today that i believe the endorphin rush continues.

well, that and the huge diet coke i had at lunch, which perked me up even more.

i went to the gateway of india and it was delightful and DELICIOUS. if you like indian food and you live here in spfld or even in a surrounding community, or out in the country somewhere near here and you haven’t been to the gateway of india, well then, JUST GO THERE. because it’s fabulous. it’s on chatham road, just south of wabash.

at lunch it was a buffet. i couldn’t believe all the choices they had, and i had to try them all, and it was just too good.

when i left i felt i would never eat again.

on my run this morning i saw an egg by the side of the road. just an egg, lying there in its shell, not broken. jim claims it must have been a duck egg, but it sure did look like a chicken egg to me. but how did it get there, if that’s what it was? did somebody drop their groceries out of their car while driving down the road? wouldn’t there have been more than the lone egg there in the road, and wouldn’t the egg have broken? did somebody pull over and gently lay the egg on the ground, some sort of odd new religious thing at the beginning of xmas eve day?

a mystery.

running was easier today, as i thought it’d be, so i went farther. not a lot of cars on the road. i think people were still out at the mall frantically trying to buy gifts. i hope they weren’t looking for ribbons or bows, because spfld. seems to be completely out of both.

i found lots and lots of bows...in my parents' basement. lots and LOTS of bows. except they really need to sort through them and throw out the squashed bows, because who’s going to give somebody a gift with a squashed bow on top? nobody. those squashed bows could be there till the end of time, unless somebody throws them out.

if i was a really good daughter, i’d do it for them.

there were plenty of perfectly good bows, i mean LOTS of good bows, so many that i could have bought many many more gifts and i’d have had enough bows. i found some ribbon, too, but when i started wrapping i decided i had no desire to add ribbon. so the packages are a little plain, but at least they’re full of bows.

and i didn’t have to go to the dollar store. yesterday (was it just yesterday? it seems like a million years ago) a woman kept telling me i HAD TO GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE, because it is apparently chock full-o-bows and ribbons. but i hate the dollar store. i went there one time, i think it was last xmas, and the aisles were so stuffed with crappy stuff, and there were so many people clogging the aisles that i decided i didn’t care HOW cheap all that crap was, i wasn’t about to wait in line to buy it. i left and haven’t been back.

i didn’t go to any stores at all today, as a matter of fact. i stopped at the jewel and the parking lot was really crowded, and as i sat in my car i pulled my little tiny list which was all wadded up in the pocket of my jeans, and i decided i could absolutely live without every single item on my list. then when i got home i THREW THE LIST AWAY, and that felt good.

as i keep telling my mom, you have to find some joy in the small things in life. that way at least there’s SOME joy, SOMETIMES. at least occasionally.

small things in life.

last night i was so tired and surly, and it was definitely because i’d worn myself out. tonight, i’m wide awake. i could take a nice long walk right about now, but i don’t know who i could take with me. i’m at my parents' house, so i could take shortie and gizmo with me, but they’re probably too tired. although i’ve taken them for walks at one in the morning before and they seemed to have a grand time.

there was a baby here for a while tonight, which was a lot of fun. xmas is really for kids, isn’t it? kids and people in love. this child, her name is nana, she’s two and a half, she’s jim’s niece, and she found such joy in taking her new legos out of the big box and playing with them, and then putting them back in the box, and then taking them out again...she can talk now, except most of what she says sounds chinese. she did say “kwismas tree” which was adorable. especially since this alleged “christmas tree” is just a fir plant my parents have in their living room that they dangled a few ornaments off of. that’s right, NO CHRISTMAS TREE AT ALL. yeah, it’s not right, is it?

there are some presents piled around already, and mom says they’re arranged around the palm plant, but i keep saying they’re really closer to the tv, which is truly the american way, presents clustered around the tv. she doesn’t like for me to say this.

i hear it raining right now. i’m delighted, and i’m glad that the snow didn’t happen (at least not yet and hopefully not at all). so many people said to me “gee, i hope it’s a white christmas,” which makes me want to PUKE.

time for spring. bring it on.

i’m going to start my xmas morning with a run. and then maybe i’ll give the dogs a bath. we’ll open gifts when amy and jim show up, but sometimes on xmas they don’t arrive till afternoon, sometimes late afternoon, and if i just sit around till then i’ll get restless and annoyed. so, more running! bring on the endorphin rush!

i hope you’re having a good day, and i hope you get something good tomorrow. and the new year, it’s coming right up, better get to work on those resolutions...

ok then,

jingle bell grace

Dec. 23, 2005

closer and closer to XMAS EVE DAY... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:41 pm

and i thought of something good, so i thought i should jot it down b4 forgetting. i’m excited about xmas because i got TWO really great gifts for people, and i’m excited to give them to them.

ok already,

xmas grace.

blah de blah de blah about xmas [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:44 pm

presents, wrapped. stuff, accomplished.

tired and surly now, the perfect way to start this little tiny bit of free time which i get because it’s xmas the day after tomorrow.

perhaps after a good night’s sleep i’ll be less surly.

perhaps.

i’d like a hot alcoholic beverage right now. hot buttered rum perhaps, except what i’d really like is a great hot chocolate with some kind of good liquor in it. i don’t know what. i just want one right now.

this is not going to arrive.

just like the shoulder massage that i desperately need.

at least i went running today and it was warm. but it’s funny how i can run and run on the treadmill at the gym, and even though i always run at an incline there, it’s so much easier than running on the real road. as i ran today, my legs felt kind of leaden.

tomorrow will be an even better run.

there, something to look forward to.

besides the theoretical sleeping in, which probably won’t happen because i could go to sleep right now except then i’d wake up in the middle of the night and would never, ever get back to sleep.

friday night here in the big city.

ok then,

grace.

bow-less [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:22 am

hobby lobby is a crafts store, and it’s stuffed with all kinds of xmas stuff. EXCEPT THEY HAVE NO MORE BOWS AND RIBBON.

how is this possible? yeah, i know, xmas is the day after tomorrow, most people have apparently already bought the ribbons and bows and probably have wrapped the gifts and put them under the tree but I NEED SOME BOWS AND RIBBONS.

i did get a pair of scissors for 50 cents. such a deal.

but then i went to walgreen’s...and NO BOWS AND RIBBONS.

what’s the world coming to?

at least it’s FORTY FIVE DEGREES right now. i’m going to go running outside in a few hours from now, for a good long time, and i can’t wait.

screw the ribbons and bows. i’m sure i’ll find a bow or two around the house, if i really look.

ok. ok. ok.

grace nearing the END of december.

Dec. 22, 2005

and oh yeah... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:07 pm

my friend christine called me today as i was about to enter the mall. “i’m going to come visit and see your show,” she said. “i’ll call you back when i get a plane ticket.” WOW! so a little while later she called again, and she’s really coming to see my show! i’m very glad about this, because it’s going to be the best one yet, plus it’s something FUN to do on new year’s eve, and i really really need some fun on new year’s eve.

p.s. heroin addict update [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:06 pm

at least when i go to the office tomorrow to give just one massage, there will be NO PEASE’S CANDY there, sitting and beckoning me.

because today there were just four pieces left.

AND I ATE ALL OF THEM.

judith was very happy about this. she thanked me. “I did it all for you, judith,” i told her.

this was a lie.

but at least they’re gone now.

perhaps, JUST PERHAPS ALTHOUGH IT’S A VERY SLIM AND REMOTE CHANCE, i won’t eat ANY CANDY AT ALL tomorrow.

but you never know.

precariously teetering... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:04 pm

i have a power problem.

power cord, that is.

a while ago i thought my computer power cord was bad, so i bought a new cord.

it’s not the cord. it’s something in the computer, the connection to the power cord. i know how it got messed up; i always hold the computer in my lap (that’s where it is right now), and when i’m sitting in bed with the computer on my lap the cord is at an angle, and i know this somehow screwed it up.

so i’ve been keeping it from breaking by jiggling the cord sometimes if the little battery icon suddenly appears and the computer thinks it’s not really connected to the power cord.

but just now i jiggled the cord and nothing happened. and then the screen went black.

bad.

baaaadddddd....

just in time for xmas.

i unplugged and re-plugged the cord a few times and turned the computer back on and now i’m trying to sit her very gently, very delicately, so i won’t disturb the delicate balance.

my computer CANNOT BREAK.

two more days till xmas. my shopping is complete. my wrapping has not yet begun, and i lost my decent pair of scissors a few months ago and all i can find is my crappy pair of scissors that cuts the wrapping paper very jaggedy. i would go buy a new pair of scissors just like i bought a new and much better stapler than my old stapler which i lost (but then found of course after buying a new one), but i CANNOT BEAR the thought of going to another store of any kind.

but gee whiz, it’s just SCISSORS, i could get a pair of scissors at a drug store, couldn’t it? and since there are two of them just up the street, conveniently located right across from each other, well then there’s no reason not to do that.

tomorrow.

bows, too, i need some bows.

i used to love spending lots and lots of times on packages, lots of curling ribbon and bows and trying to make them creative and fun.

but now i just want to get them wrapped.

gift bags, i could get some gift bags. but that seems a little too lazy.

enough already.

ok then,

december grace on the second-shortest day of the year.

xmas hurrying around [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 2:18 pm
i was at the mall for a while today, and it really wasn’t so bad. people continue to drive like they’re both drunk and blind, but once inside the mall, not bad.

so, i’m DONE with the shopping. i was looking forward to a quiet peaceful evening, not doing much of anything, but i just read my last entry and remembered about all the WRAPPING. so maybe i’ll do that. but isn’t there still plenty of time? except for the cleaning and cooking and stuff i have to do in the next two days.

xmas, COMING RIGHT UP.

things seem better because the snow is melting. i keep hearing we might have snow xmas eve, and i know people think “snow is perfect on xmas eve,” but i say NO MORE SNOW!!!

i might go running outside tomorrow afternoon, just because i can and it’s supposed to be near FIFTY.

now that’s the perfect xmas temperature.

unless it was 75 or 80.

ok, i must work a lot right now.

grace grace grace.

Dec. 21, 2005

tomorrow... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:51 pm
tomorrow afternoon i’m going to finish up my xmas shopping. i have a couple of hours free in the middle of the day.

and then, tomorrow night, i’m going to wrap like crazy. gonna get everything wrapped.

i’m not thinking about the fact that i’m not getting home till seven o'clock tomorrow night, which seems VERY VERY LATE right now.

the chocolate fountain worked pretty well.

xmas, three days from now. fyi.

ok then,

december grace glad to be done with the shortest day of the year. ready for spring.

Dec. 20, 2005

one more p.s. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:20 pm

i’m going to have at least one rehearsal next week b4 the show. so if you aren’t going to be able to be there new year’s eve, and you’d be interested in watching the rehearsal, let me know, and i’ll tell you when/where.

ok then,

that is all for tonight.

really, this time.

i really mean it.

really.

truly.

p.s. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:18 pm
i was talking to thad tonight and he suggested i move to CHAMPAIGN.

why would i want to do that? if i was going to move, it would be someplace warmer. not colder; i have too many memories of walking across the campus as the wind whipped through me. no thanks.

not champaign.

FURRY lifestyler? [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:04 pm
I got an e-mail today from a friend who looked up “lifestyler” online. ok, this seems A LITTLE WEIRD. i mean, the guy said he was a lifestyler, but not a FURRY lifestyler.

he had no tail. none that i could see, anyway.

weird. surely this isn’t what he meant? is it?

Furry lifestyler

A furry lifestyler is generally considered to be a person who has one or more of these characteristics:

* Integrating a perceived animal nature into one’s persona (gait, use of voice, personality, instincts, etc.)
* Totemistic beliefs, specifically with regard to animal spirits
* A belief that animal instincts exist within humans, regardless of whether they are separate, immaterial spirits, part of the genetic code, caused by reincarnation from a previous animal life, or anything else

A furry lifestyler may also take on physical attributes of an animal, although this is rare. Such attributes may be: hair style (including facial hair), tattoos, articles of clothing (e.g. a tail or ears), or jewelry. In a few extreme cases, some wealthy lifestylers have used elective surgery to affect a physical transformation.

Furry lifestylers generally refer to themselves as furries or furs, although this term is not exclusive to them. Also, some people who might reasonably call themselves furry lifestylers choose not to do so for various reasons, including a desire not to be associated with the term. (For example, a related community, the “were” or “therian” community, shares similar beliefs with the furry lifestylers but wishes to distance themselves from the furry fandom.)

Some furry lifestylers have a general dysmorphia, a strong, deeply rooted feeling that they are not in the right body. A few furries have gone so far as to use the term Species Dysmorphic Disorder, a neologism that puns on body dysmorphic disorder, though the simpler “species dysmorphia” is a slightly more common phrase. These seem to indicate a disassociation with the psychological identity of the public at large.

************

i’m going to stick with thinking that this guy was just a PLAIN lifestyler. just a guy who enjoys the style of his life. NOT SOMEBODY WHO THINKS HE SHOULD BE AN ANIMAL.

all i want for xmas... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:57 pm

is a 10-minute shoulder massage.

ok, maybe 15.

my shoulders hurt.

i don’t think it’s too much to ask for. but i know it’s not going to happen.

today there were some good things. i went to best buy, and it looked like there was no line at all, which seemed a little odd since there were many cars in the parking lot (all the drivers driving like COMPLETE AND UTTER CRETINS, by the way). i got in line, though, and realized there was a gigantic master line that was then filtered into the individual checkstands.

there was a guy directing people to the available checkers.

i figured i’d be in line till well past dec. 25th, but i swear it only took two minutes. incredible. i got to the checkout and the guy was talking on a headset, saying stuff like “ok, #4, now #6, two on #1.” i realized he must be coordinating this entire effort WHILE AT THE SAME TIME he was checking me out. he was also gently prodding me to complete my transaction ("just enter your pin number there"), which he didn’t need to do, but i was just so mesmerized by his incredible multi-tasking. i mean, the guy was a model of efficiency and quickness, and i wonder if he’s paid anything even NEAR what he’s worth? I hope so. i doubt it.

i had a little heroin addiction-type problem today.

midday i had some free time, so i ran on the treadmill at the fit club west, which is great because they have individual tvs for every treadmill, so i could flip channels, which i used to love to do when i watched more tv than i do now (which is pretty much just “sex & the city,” usually only the one episode a night). but anyway, while running i gave myself a little lecture about how i was NOT going to eat lots and lots of food today, even though i knew i was going out to dinner. i kept thinking ONSTAGE IN UNDERWEAR. plus it seems that the past few days all i’ve done is eat.

i felt the speech went over quite well. i was attentive, i paid attention to myself even while flipping stations, i let the message soak into the core of my very being.

i left the club and went to work, still feeling all holier-than-thou and sure i was going to be buff in no time, maybe later in the day.

and there, sitting on the table in the back room at work was a HUGE BOX OF PEASE’S CHOCOLATES.

which is my heroin. i opened the box and ate two of them in succession, without even thinking twice about it. i actually thought about the speech i’d just given myself TWENTY MINUTES EARLIER, but i knew the speech was completely irrelevant because there was a BIG BOX OF CHOCOLATES in front of me.

my heroin.

the good thing about being a chocolate addict instead of a heroin addict is that i can give a perfectly good massage after eating a bunch of chocolates. my only point of reference about heroin addiction is from the movie “trainspotting,” which was bleak and depressing, and mostly i just remember everybody being all high and sprawled around all over the place as if they were all in comas, very unwashed and icky. it would be very dificult to give a good massage in this state. or do anything.

after eating all the chocolates today i met people for dinner, but i got there early because of the super-efficiency at best buy, so i sat in the bar and drank a glass of wine. i decided to splurge on an expensive glass of Sterling special cabernet, because i was pretty tired from all the massaging and exercising (plus i was coming down off my chocolate buzz), and i decided i deserved a treat.

plus i’ve been to the Sterling vineyard, and i thought that maybe sipping a delicious glass of Sterling wine would set into motion some good karma that might propel me back to the beautiful napa valley sometime in the not-too-distant future. a girl can dream, can’t she?

the wine was only mediocre. it should have been delicious.

oh well. at least i didn’t have my hopes up unrealistically, which will always get me into trouble. it was only a glass of wine, after all. not anything profound.

and there’s always tomorrow to quit eating altogether.

except randy is having a party. i’m baking some french bread for it, but i can resist the bread because iv'e made it many many many times, and it doesn’t hold so much allure for me.

but randy went out and bought a CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN for the party.

hopeless, it’s just hopeless.

but at least i realize this now. so i don’t have to feel all bad this time tomorrow night.

xmas is coming right up, by the way. shopping done? gifts wrapped? i, personally, have to buy some presents. must get right on that. time’s a wastin'.

but not right now.

tomorrow. whoops, no time tomorrow.

thursday? busy on thursday.

friday?

saturday is too late. definitely.

ok then,

grace approaching xmas.

"lifestyler" [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:08 am

i met a man who is a self-proclaimed “lifestyler.” have you ever heard this term? you probably have. i hadn’t, but i like it.

he takes people fly fishing in montana.

sounds like an excellent lifestyle to me.

i assume this “lifestyler” lifestyle means spending your life doing stuff you enjoy doing?

this is a most excellent idea.

so i’m going to start calling myself a “lifestyler,” too.

perhaps i’ll get some business cards with that printed on them.

one time i had a boyfriend whose biz cards just said “dilletante.” and he pretty much was one.

it’s so unbelievably cold out now that there’s little hope for the rest of the winter. unless THIS IS IT for cold, and then january and february become suddenly balmy.

ok then,

grace.

Dec. 18, 2005

what weekend? [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:37 pm

it’s the st. ANDREWS fife and drum corps, fyi. maybe it’s pipe and drum corps. st. ANDREWS, though.

i started my day by waking up at eight and going to the gym and running on the treadmill YET AGAIN.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN’T I JUST RELAX AND SLEEP LATE AND LOLL AROUND FOR A WHILE?

i’m having a big problem with the lolling around lately. not achievable.

i proceeded to do bunches of stuff, resulting in YET MORE SURLINESS.

will it never end, this foul mood?

perhaps not.

but the funny thing is, of course, that if i was to run into you right now, or if we were to talk on the phone this very minute, i’d be SO FRIENDLY and you wouldn’t even know about the surliness.

isn’t that how most of us humans live our lives, not being on the inside what we appear to be on the outside, to some degree? that’s why children and animals are so good. you know exactly what’s going on with them.

but really, you like me much better when i feign cheer.

CHRISTMAS cheer, for one thing.

but it wasn’t an all-bad day. i went to my friend ann’s house, the one who has the fabulous cabin concerts, cause i was going to do the show for her and joe, because she said she won’t be able to see me new year’s eve because she’s also performing.

on thursday i was told by somebody who works for ann that she’d invited a bunch of people, which was slightly unsettling because i felt i wasn’t ready for that, a bunch of people who i didn’t know.

but i drove out to her house (still chock full of surliness not to mention my hatred of the cold and the snow), and put on my outfit for the show (which looks pretty darn fabulous, she said modestly), and the people kept showing up, and finally i started. first i explained that there were a couple of technical issues, but that it’d probably work ok.

and then i started, and i kept thinking “you just have to keep going here, you’re already doing it, no way to stop and start over.” and i kept going, and they KEPT LAUGHING! this was so great. i mean, there was some stuff that i know i used to think was funny, but i can’t see the humor in it anymore, but they LAUGHED. a lot. very surprising and great.

it was also great because it felt like a real show. there were a couple of video glitches, but nothing dramatic. but everything went so smoothly, and it could not have been better.

who could ask for more? i’m so lucky to have ann for a friend, and that she did this, and i’m so pleased way beyond my expectations. the thing is, since this is a special new year’s eve show, and i’m only performing it the one time, well, that’s not a lot of chance to perform. but this felt like a real thing, and then next week i’m going to do it once or twice for some other friends who won’t be able to be there on new year’s eve, and i’m glad i get to do it a few times.

the videos are pretty funny. i’d like to show them to you, but of course i can’t do that because i don’t know how to put them up on the site, plus it would RUIN THE SURPRISE, if you come to the show.

i can’t think of ANY REASON AT ALL, by the way, why you wouldn’t come to the show. so please do. get tix in advance for a measly 10 bucks, because they’re 15 the night of the show.

at the end, ann said that she’s going to see the first 30 minutes of my show. she performs at 9, at the presidential library, and it seems she’s going to be cutting it a little close, but she says she’s going to see me, and i know she can and will do whatever she sets her mind to.

i need to have an attitude like THAT. lose the surliness already, please.

tonight randy coerced me into playing some boggle. i agreed, even though dead tired, because he’d been so sweet to run the video for the show, even though there were some tricky things to it.

and he KICKED MY ASS. i don’t think he’s ever beaten me that much. i can’t understand how this happened. he NEVER beat me, EVER. but he just writes down the words like crazy, and then he beats me, every time. i must fight back.

i thought of one great thing about xmas, in my attempt to feel a little less scrooge-grinchlike. next weekend i can just DO NOTHING.

i’m looking forward to that.

ok then, goodnight,

december grace.

endorphin rush [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:07 am
yeah, it can be effective, but how do i get it to last all day?

this morning i got on that treadmill and i said i’m REALLY REALLY REALLY only going to do this for 15 minutes, because i’m TIRED, and my CALVES HURT.

but when 15 minutes rolled around, i figured i might as well keep going, running to nowhere.

there was a parade on one of the TVs. i couldn’t figure out where it was at first, but they finally said dallas. it seemed like a big impressive parade, with many large marching bands and even some big balloons.

this was the most entertaining thing on any of the eight tvs at the club this morning.

i went to kurt’s, and i haven’t seen his sons ben and sam for a while. sam is now 3 1/2, and he just keeps talking. they were doing stuff like crazy from the minute i stepped in the door, including cartwheels (sort of) and somersaults and climbing all over me. they’re just so darn cute. but i really can’t imagine being anything but EXHAUSTED if i had to spend long periods of time with them.

for the video we were shooting, they had to make chocolate milk. and i asked them what they had to do, and they managed to pour the milk, but then they couldn’t remember the next step. which was, of course, ADDING THE CHOCOLATE. a crucial component of chocolate milk.

after we finished videotaping, they asked me if i wanted to play duck duck goose. this definitely made my day, since i’ve written about how i loved duck duck goose as a kid, and i never expected anybody to actually invite me to play a game of it! it was funny to play just the three of us (kurt chose not to participate), because whoever’s turn it was, they always picked me, and since there were only two of us sitting on the floor, we then had to run through the house instead of around in a circle.

if i had children, i’d be very skinny, because it’s a little bit exhausting.

after DDG, we played a couple of games of Uno, which was also quite fun, but then when ben won the last game, sam got mad and acted like he was spitting on ben, and then he shoved him, and then they were suddenly trying to kill each other. kurt made them go upstairs into their room and sit in their chairs. except we could hear them running around like crazy up there, so kurt said something serious-sounding, and they stopped. pretty soon they came down, and had a VERY SERIOUS discussion about what had transpired, and sam agreed he’d been bad, and wanted to know if his punishment was over, but he sounded like he felt the need to be punished a little more, so kurt gave him the option of going back upstairs in his room for one minute, or standing in the corner for two minutes.

sam opted for the two minute corner, and after about 10 seconds asked if the two minutes was up, and kurt told him he’d let him know, and then he told him it was over after about 15 more seconds.

the whole thing, it was just so funny. highly, highly entertaining. i think one of the most difficult thing about having kids would be actually disciplining them, instead of just laughing at all the stuff they do all the time.

the party tonight was nice, and i stayed a little longer than i had time for, but i managed to drive 50 mph through town without getting a ticket.

the symphony holiday pops concert was fantastic. i’m really happy i went. i love xmas music, and hearing it played by the orchestra was great. they had some other special stuff, too, including this band called the Fantastic Jones Family, who are from here in spfld, but i’ve never heard of them, but they were wonderful. there was also a guy dressed in a spectacular father xmas costume, with a nice curly beard, an ornate coat, and black boots with bells all around them.

at the end of the evening, the st....st... st. something fife & drum corps marched onto the stage, and they were wonderful. i know it’s not st. patrick, but i feel it’s some “p” word, but i just can’t remember. maybe it doesn’t start with a p. anyway, they were great. the best were these three women who played the drums, but they spent a lot of time twirling their drumsticks in unison. very cool. i loved them.

a great ending to my day. not to mention the duck duck goose. little unexpected bits of joy mixed in with the usual assortment of insanities rattling around inside my brain.

good night and have a lovely sunday. sleep late. stay in bed a while. don’t go work out!

ok then,

december grace soon to be running out of time for purchasing the xmas gifts.

Dec. 17, 2005

attitude and expectation [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:05 am
my attitude right now isn’t so great. as i knew i would, i got up at nine this morning, even though i stayed out very, very, very late. i saw the movie “the family stone” with sarah jessica parker, and it wasn’t anything like i thought it would be. i’d gotten the impression that it would be kind of wacky and fun. there’s a little bit of fun in it, but it’s also kind of serious, and a little too over-the-top sentimental, and at the end it’s very bittersweet yet everything is wrapped up much too neatly.

one thing that particularly annoyed me was when one of the guys meets this woman, and he falls in love at first sight. i hate this whole love at first sight thing, and i don’t think it’s just because i’m cynical about relationships (although i certainly am that). but i hate it that somebody wants us to actually believe that a couple meets, there are little stars twinkling in their eyes, they take a walk, the woman says a bunch of adorable/moving/passionate crap about some guy carving a totem pole and taking five years to do it because he had a huge void in his heart, which makes the guy instantly fall in love with her.

i mean, i understand how a couple of people could be instantly attracted, smitten, even, but what about the next morning? what about in a couple of weeks, when one of you wants to watch tv all the time, and the other one does not want to be subjected to that drivel? what about in two months,
after he’s declared his love, but then things start to slide, and you realize things aren’t really going well, and you find out things that you wish you didn’t find out, and the relationship starts to fall apart but you cling to it, hoping somehow things will magically get all better...but of course they don’t, because that’s real life, not the movies where people live happily ever after, or at least till the end credits roll.

i WARNED you that my attitude isn’t so great this morning. perhaps i was slightly understating it.

so i’m up now, it'a almost ten, and i have to go work out, and then i have to go do more editing and shooting, and i dread heading over to kurt’s house because i can’t think of a way to get there without driving down veteran’s parkway, which will be thickly clotted with holiday shopping maniacs..

and then i have a bunch more stuff to accomplish, and then a holiday party for about an hour, and then the holiday pops concert. at least i get to go to the concert, because i really wanted to see it, but i thought the party was last night, so now that will have to be rushed and i’m going to spend way too much time today driving all over the place, really fast if possible. too many things.

tomorrow seems equally busy.

clearly, CLEARLY what i need here is an attitude adjustment.

THE ENDORPHIN RUSH! i’m counting on that endorphin rush, and luckily i know it’s something that won’t let me down.

i just got a text message from christine. all it said was “snowing.” so at least it’s not snowing here right now.

off to busy-ness..

surly december grace.

Dec. 16, 2005

getting dark on friday, while i get brighter... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:28 pm
actually, it’s ALREADY dark outside. and i’m already brighter.

my hair, that is.

i stopped by amy’s salon to say hi, and she did my hair. she promises that it’s going to be PERFECT. so i’m pretty excited about that. perfect hair. right now i have a towel wrapped around my head like a turban, while i wait for her to finish up with somebody else so that she can cut and style me. and then...PERFECTION.

better yet, UNANTICIPATED PERFECTION.

which is a very rare thing.

the day hasn’t been bad. i also had an unplanned lunch today. hmm, i’m starting to see a theme to my day. randy called me when i was done at the hospital, and we had lunch at the food mart. have you been to the food mart, downtown on monroe, across from the post office? the other weekend, maybe it was just last weekend, they had this great sale with lots of wine only three bucks or something ridiculous like that, plus they were serving all kinds of very delicious appetizers and stuff. i love that place.

it must have been two weeks ago, pre-caring (seriously) about how much food i eat. i mean, i’m a woman, the amount of food i eat will ALWAYS be a concern, but there are always different levels. usually i just go around thinking “i MUST eat less so that i can lose five pounds.” unless i want to lose any more.

rarely, as a matter of fact i can’t even remember the last time it happened, have i thought “i must eat less because of sashaying around the stage IN MY UNDERWEAR.” i’m telling you, it’s a GREAT motivator. maybe if you want to lose weight, you should PRETEND you’re going to have to be onstage in your underwear. or maybe you should decide you’ll actually be on stage in your underwear.

great diet motivator.

have you ever gone to a performance of some kind, like the symphony or a play or something, and have you ever suddenly thought “what if i go crazy and charge up onto the stage and start yelling or something?” i mean, is this a thing that goes through anybody else’s mind, or am i just insane? alone in my insanity?

i’d just like to know.

i think, i THINK i’m going to go see a movie tonight that i want to see. if this happens, it will be a good thing. but if something happens; if it’s sold out, or something happens and i don’t get to go, well, that’s all right. because it’s FRIDAY, and i’m going to SLEEP IN tomorrow.

this is, of course, just me TRICKING myself. right now i think, “I get to sleep late tomorrow, and i’m NOT GOING TO GET UP AND WORK OUT! screw that!” but i know i’ll wake up not much later, if at all later, than the time i usually get up, and then i’ll think “i might as well go work out and get it over with.” and then maybe when i’m there i’ll tell myself that i’ll just work out a little, but this, too, is just tricking myself.

what we do to get through the day.

but at least i’m able to trick myself?

ok, i have to finish my transformation to PERFECTION now.

hair perfection, anyway. a good start.

december grace

Dec. 15, 2005

soon to be friday... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:52 pm

whew. each day i keep doing too many different things. but tonight was the LAST NIGHT OF CLASS for 2005, which is a very good thing. it wasn’t really a class, it was mostly a party, which was a great way to end the semester.

ok, so i told kurt about the people dancing around with wheat thins on their heads. wheat thins hats. not triscuits. and he had never seen the commercial either. i really can’t understand this. tonight randy tried to convince me that i was hallucinating the whole thing, but i know i’m not. dad has seen the commercial. so therefore it must be real. dad knows.

kurt and i got a lot of editing work done, and i got him to work fast because i said LET’S GO OUT TO LUNCH WHEN WE’RE FINISHED. food was an excellent motivator. the show is mostly done, editing-wise, right now. plus i got to go out to lunch; we went to coz’s, which is a pizza place, but i was going to get a healthy chicken sandwich, but then i decided on french dip instead, which was not healthy in any way. so let’s say that TOMORROW is the day when i start worrying about parading around onstage IN MY UNDERWEAR. because i have plenty, PLENTY of time.

unless i keep eating french dip sandwiches, because then before you know it, there i’ll be onstage, waddling around in my underwear. not a pretty image to contemplate.

kurt’s diet suggestion is always “drink lots of water.” i mean, that’s it, that’s his entire diet strategy. he’s actually lost about 10 pounds, but i can’t imagine that it’s just because he drinks more water. kurt has many theories about many things, and they’re highly interesting. he always has an opinion, which is good. sometimes i don’t agree with him, and sometimes i think he’s living on a different planet than i am, but we see eye-to-eye on many things.

i helped randy decorate his tree tonight. i broke a huge expensive gorgeous ornament. this was directly after he said “be careful with that one, it’s my favorite, and it’s expensive.” and then, CRASH. they didn’t name me grace for no reason, you see. my parents have a very good sense of irony. and then i broke another one. bad. please don’t ever trust me with anything breakable.

luckily, randy also broke a couple of ornaments, and he seems kind of sick of ornaments, even though he has some of the fanciest that i’ve seen. he says maybe next year he’ll just put lights on the tree, no ornaments at all. maybe he’ll lend me some of his more fancy ones. except maybe that would be a lousy idea, because wouldn’t i just break those, too?

i took gingerbread cake to the party tonight, and i’m taking more of it to another party i have to go to this weekend. gingerbread cake for everybody! it seems silly to call it gingerbread CAKE, but if you just say gingerbread, people think cookies. and the cake is much more delicious than gingerbread cookies.

except i’m getting kind of sick of it now. this is a good thing, because gingerbread cake isn’t so great for you, either.

last night jerri wrote to me that she feels all the mountains of snow in minneapolis makes it a “winter wonderland,” and she said she’s allowed to think like that because she’s new to the snow. i wish i thought it was pretty, but i think the only way i’d think so is if i did not have to go outside at all. tonight a woman in class was telling a story about living in steamboat springs, colorado, where it got down to SIXTY BELOW, and there would be walls of snow EIGHT TO TWELVE FEET HIGH down the street. she seemed to think this was neat.

all i have to say is, i’m thankful i don’t live in steamboat springs.

i told a friend about my own personal skiing horror stories, and he said that his wife cried when skiing, and then she took the skiis off and walked down the mountain. i think this is a BRILLIANT idea! i don’t know why that never occurred to me. but i have total empathy with her. walking down the mountain, i’ll do that if i’m ever forced to ski against my will.

you wouldn’t think this would happen to a person, but you never know.

tomorrow, FRIDAY.

ok then,

mid-december grace

p.s. do you realize it’s NOT EVEN OFFICIALLY WINTER YET???

Dec. 14, 2005

bovine beef injection? [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:11 pm

that’s definitely not what it is.

whatever it may be, i wonder who’s had one? and why? why does somebody need some bovine parts injected into them? especially if it’s so bad that if you have it, they won’t let you give blood?

i bought some xmas gifts today.

rather apathetically, i may add.

i woke up this morning to yet more snow on the ground.

this is how it’s going to be here this winter, isn’t it?

last night while running to nowhere on the treadmill at the fit club, i watched that show with jim belushi in it. i know it’s not “my name is jim,” that’s “my name is earl,” the funny one that i forget to watch.

i can’t remember the exact name of the jim belushi show, but it’s SO INCREDIBLY DUMB.

i’m sorry if you like it. i’m sorry because IT’S HORRIBLE.

he has a very hot wife. she used to be on ally mcbeal. courtney thorne-smith? i think so. she seemed drunk during the whole show. she was drinking eggnog with lots of brandy in it in some of the scenes, but she seemed drunk the whole time. maybe she needed alcohol in order to not be embarrassed at having to utter such moronic lines.

but on the other hand, she’s probably happy as a lark doing it, because she gets buckets and buckets of money.

i still don’t understand why there are these shows with schlubby men with hot wives. is it because there are many big rotund men out there watching, and their ultimate fantasy is to have a hot hot wife?

so very dumb.

the characters spent so much time YELLING AT EACH OTHER. it was as if they were really children, but they just looked like adults.

maybe this is to appeal to the children watching? their ultimate fantasy that adults would act more like children?

all i know is that much more entertaining than this was the target commercial, which was running approximately every five seconds on the tv next to the one i was watching. i described the target commercial to randy, but he apparently hasn’t seen it, which i find very odd because he watches plenty of shows. in the target commercial there are lavish costumes and lots of singing and dancing; there’s a big number that’s an ad for hershey’s, with sparkly silver costumes, and then a big dance number with people who have crackers on their heads. big crackers, that are like hats, with garnishes like giant shrimp on the very top. they’re either wheat thins or triscuits, i think. i kept saying to randy, “the people are dancing around with WHEAT THINS on their heads, DON’T YOU REMEMBER?” and he said “it doesn’t matter how many times you tell me that people were dancing around with crackers on their heads, i know i didn’t see it.”

it’s the best thing on tv right now. or at least last night between seven and seven thirty.

apathy. setting in. a kind of blah day.

beware the ides of december.

ok then,

grace with little xmas spirit at this particular moment in time.

Dec. 13, 2005

late tuesday night... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:38 pm
...and i feel like the week has been going on for years.

too many things packed into one day.

yesterday i did many different things, many different places. i gave blood in the afternon, at 3:30, but i had to read about 15 more pages of the play for class which started at six. i rushed into the blod bank, and these two people were there ahead of me, and i sort of cut in line in front of them, and told the woman at the desk my name, and this guy behind me said “the famous grace smith?” and he was an actual PERSON WHO READS THIS VERY THING RIGHT HERE. so that was kind of funny.

or it would have, if i hadn’t been so distracted. the woman with him had even been to one of my shows.

i went into the room where they ask you one thousand questions about having sex with men who have aids who have paid for sex with men from africa and who have travelled in europe and have gotten bovine injections. there’s one more word in there, besides “bovine injections,” maybe it’s “bovine hormone injections.”

but the thing is, the last time i answered the questions, the woman was very very fast, and she was prepping the vials for my blood as she asked them, and she was good.

but this woman, when i was in a hurry to get out of there, she said “i’m new here,” and then she very slowly read me the qustions, and she had to go consult with somebody when i said i’d had some antibiotics for bronchitis, but i couldn’t remember exactly when, and i thought she’d never return.

and she had to prick my finger to get a sample of blood to see if it had enough...blood? in it...so that i could actually make the donation, but she kept getting an air bubble in the little vial, and so she had to keep squeezing the blood out of my finger, and soon i thought that maybe i wouldn’t have any blood left to make a donation.

and when she left for the consultation, i quickly read a few more pages of the play.

and i thought that i should tell her that i couldn’t do it after all, because i had quite a bit of trepidation about this novice taking my blood. i figured it would be (a) painful and (b) take till the end of time.

she took my blood pressure, twice, and said that the first time, the reading was too low. the top # was 100, and she said if it was that, i couldn’t give blood.

my top # has been 100 all the other times i’ve given.

but then she made the number higher, 104 over 78, and the bottom number was higher than before, but i think it was because she was making me nervous.

she did tell me that my blood was going to be used for a baby. i don’t know how she knows this, or why, but that kind of made me feel good. but then i got worried, because i’m just getting over this cold; the blood won’t be bad, will it? i wouldn’t want to give a baby who already needs blood a cold, adding to its problems.

i went in to give the blood, and they suddenly seemed very busy, and luckily some old pro took the actual blood.

whew.

and again, whew.

could have been ugly.

the pro made the new girl go ask more questions.

i sat next to the guy who had recognized me. i should have said “hi again” or something friendly, but i HAD TO READ THAT PLAY.

so i read the play, and squeezed the little thing, and the blood flowed, and it went very quickly because i was reading.

i got distracted a couple of times because the food channel was on. the other times, it was always cnn, which was too boring.

they were making xmas cookies on the food channel.

i forced myself to keep reading, though, and finished the play.

i told the blood taking woman that i could give blood all day, if they’d let me watch the food channel.

she assured me that they could always change to channel for me, the next time i give blood.

plus, the next time i get a star or something. because i’ve given so many buckets of blood. it hasn’t seemed like that much.

i got to class on time, and it wasn’t bad, and it was the last one, and that was a good thing.

after class erica and i went to steak-n-shake. i told her it was going to be my last real meal, before i start starving myself for the play. this of course is a lie; i can only starve myself for about three hours, maybe four, and then i have to eat. but i didn’t have fries with my steakburger with cheese. and no eggnog shake, either.

i went home and read the other play, the one i’m going to be in, and i stayed up till one doing it, which was a pretty stupid idea. i laughed out loud again at it, though. and i realized that it’s going to be a whole lot of work.

a good challenge.

and then at one it was hard to sleep. too many things to think about.

and then i woke up at six, BOINK, wide awake. for two hours. and by eight, most people of course are already awake, some of them at work for hours already. but slept another 45 minutes, and i knew i had to do something today to make me more tired tonight.

so i did many many things again today, and worked out when i was done, and then i had to help randy try to make his xmas tree stand straight. it wasn’t very easy. it’s sort of straight now. but not entirely. but once the ornaments are on, it’ll look very pretty.

this morning i PROMISED myself that i’d have the LIGHTS OUT by at least eleven. so i’m not doing so badly. but not so great, either.

tomorrow isn’t going to be quite as busy. theoretically.

erica says it’s supposed to snow again tonight.

today i realized that if it just wouldn’t snow at all in the winter, i wouldn’t hate it so much. i could take some cold, but if i could look outside and there wasn’t any snow, i could imagine that it’s not so cold.

erica suggested that i move someplace warm.

louisiana? florida? two of her suggestions.

too much to think about. right now.

good night. stay warm. how many days till xmas? think about buying some gifts, if that’s what you have to do. i think about it intermittently during the day.

ok ok ok,

rushing through december grace.

Dec. 11, 2005

p.s. OLD NEWS [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:17 pm

i have just been informed that this baby has been around a while, that she was named apple at least a year ago, maybe longer.

somehow, SOMEHOW, i must try to be more current with current things that are CONSTANTLY HAPPENING ALL AROUND ME.

somehow.

i guess if i was just more interested in these types of things, it would be easier.

to pay attention.

right now i once again am going to try to read a little bit of “the mad woman of chaillot.”

goodnight. sweet dreams.
gs

lingerie, plus apple is a GIRL [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:25 pm

jerri told me about that, gwyneth paltrow’s child, a girl, not a boy. she didn’t actually TELL me that, she e-mailed me. not much better that she’s a girl named apple than a boy. don’t name your children fruit, that’s all i’m saying.

how’s that minneapolis weather, jerri? i’m hating this springfield winter a WHOLE LOT thus far, and it’s only just begun.

i titled this lingerie instead of underwear because it just sounds better, doesn’t it?

plus of course it’s so damn provocative.

ok, i’ve had a sort of odd weekend.

not so great, this underlying...feeling of...not greatness...overall with life as a concept.

but aside from that, some interesting things.

i ran outside today, thank you very much. for 43 whole minutes. it really wasn’t so bad, except a little sunshine would have been nice, but i realize that would have been asking for too much. but it wasn’t bitterly cold, and there was no ice to slip and fall on, and it was pretty good, really. better than being inside at the gym.

so there’s that.

yesterday i auditioned for “noises off,” the play they’re going to do in february at the theatre centre. the auditions were at NINE A.M., which seemed slightly ludicrous to me. why so early? WHY SO EARLY?

but i went, but i was a little late, and i heard that they did some improv kind of little exercises that i totally missed out on. i just had to read a monologue (not from the play), and then i had to read it a different way. the director randomly picked different ways to read the monologues. i had to read mine like i was on a chain gang and i’d been on the chain gang for 10 hours and was very tired.

i think i did ok.

but the thing is, the THING is that we got a sheet at the beginning of the audition that said the women auditioning for the part i was interested in, if we were called back, we were going to have to wear some clothes, but then we were going to have to TAKE OFF THE CLOTHES. in the audition. so, just in bra and panties.

and hose. or not hose, depending on who you talked to about hose vs. hose.

when i got to the audition and read that, my first reaction was just to flee. i was NOT going to be in bra-n-panties for an AUDITION. for a play, that’s fine, i’ll have had time to get in PERFECT PHYSICAL SHAPE.

but as i sat there, i decided to audition anyway, and then i auditioned, and i then read the part like i was very tired on a chain gang. and then yesterday afternoon i got CALLED BACK.

which was pretty exciting but also QUITE BAD - WHAT WAS I GOING TO WEAR? HOW WAS I GOING TO LOSE 10 POUNDS IN ONE DAY???

i talked to randy about what i should wear. he suggested that i wear hose. i thought this was a great idea. i went home and tried on some things, and it all looked MUCH MUCH BETTER with hose. because it packed everything in.

but as i was trying stuff on, i got a call from a friend of mine, a guy, and he said i SHOULD NOT WEAR HOSE! i can’t recall if he actually said why i should not wear hose, but this seemed like a very very poor idea, in my opinion. but he was pretty convincing, but i was still very uncertain.

so i tried on my “outfit” for randy, with hose, and he said, wear the hose. he said he couldn’t hardly tell i was wearing hose, but i tried the stuff on in his dining room, and there’s no brightly lit place in his entire house.

but i felt relieved. hose, whew.

and so, this evening, i went to the callback. there were five other women vying for the role, and at least four of them looked like they could have been models. long legs and all. actually, last night i was at a party, and one of the women from the audition was there, and we chatted, and she was very nice, and she said she USED TO BE A LINGERIE MODEL.

let me just say that nobody would EVER ask me to be a lingerie model.

so i felt slightly intimidated by these women and their fabulous legs and tiny waists.

but we did our revealing of undergarments one at a time, and it wasn’t really bad at all. no big deal.

and then we each read for the part, and i went home and decided that the director would be crazy not to cast me because i’m funny, but i could understand if he didn’t cast me, because these other women looked FABULOUS.

i got the part.

and i can think of no better impetus to get in fabulous shape. i mean, i’ve been in plays where i’ve had to dance and we all had to wear leotards and stuff (but this was a WHILE ago), but then there were a LOT of us doing this.

this time, it’s just me.

grace’s lingerie show.

oh boy.

i was trying to read the play “the mad woman of chaillot” when i got the call from the director saying i got the part. i was having a lot of trouble trying to focus on the play, and i’m supposed to read it by tomorrow night, the LAST night of class. so maybe i’ll do that now. focusing in. last night of class!

i got the part. yes i did.

ok then,

december grace, soon to look like a playboy bunny.
ok, not really like a bunny.
but pretty darn good.
pretty good.
yep, good.
ok ok ok.

Dec. 09, 2005

MR. HEATMISER! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:50 pm

i’m in bed now, i took an antihistamine which will hopefully make my nose stop running, as i continue to try to avoid this damn cold that wants to take over AGAIN, plus the drug should make me very sleepy and i’ll theoretically (but only in theory, of course, doubtful that that’ll be the reality) sleep throught the night - but i put on the xmas cd, which is called EVERYTHING YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, and i suggest that you go online and buy it RIGHT NOW, and more specifically, i listened to “mr. heatmiser” and it made me so happy that i had to get out of bed and dance around and sing along (even though i don’t know most of the words, but they’re not difficult to follow). I LOVE THAT SONG! maybe this is a case of longing for something from childhood? i don’t know what it was about that movie that stuck with me all these years, all i know is that the BBVDs do an awesome job of playing the tune, and i want to listen to only that all the time.

and then eventually i won’t be able to listen for a while because i’ll oversaturate myself with it, just like i finally did with my favorite xmas cd, “hipster’s holiday.” i think i’m going to have to wait a few years before listening to that one again.

but maybe i’ll show a little restraint this time? i mean, it is possible. it’s conceivable. probable, though? that’s the real question here.

there were many other things i felt the need to address today, but i didn’t write them down, so i can’t remember some of them. except i talked to a guy who is training for a marathon in a warm climate in january, and last night, WHEN THERE WAS ALL THE SNOW, he ran NINE MILES.

IN THE DARK.

IN THE SNOW.

crazy. but at the same time, when he said this, i felt, I AM LAZY BECAUSE I’M NOT RUNNING OUTSIDE.

but i know, realistically, that if i were to attempt to run in the snow in the dark I WOULD FALL AND KILL MYSELF. since i have no trouble falling on perfectly dry, smooth, flat pavement, in the middle of a summer day.

but maybe i’ll run outside one day this weekend.

but maybe not.

one other thing that’s been bugging me for a few days is that randy or somebody told me that some celebrity - gwyneth paltrow, maybe? some celebrity married to some guy in a band? her child is named APPLE.

could a person pick a much worse name? was she sitting in her kitchen one morning, mulling over a list of names, but the list blew away, and so she started staring glassily all around the kitchen (SHE HAD TO BE TAKING LOTS OF DRUGS!), and her eyes fell on a bowl of apples.

i guess we can just be glad she didn’t know the specific type of apple? so instead, the poor kid would be named fuji, perhaps, or golden delicious?

what’s wrong with people? is anybody ever NOT going to say to him “you must be the apple of your mom’s eye???” or maybe they’ll call him apple pie.

i guess that since his parents are celebrities, there’s a certain amount of insulation from ordinary mortal reality that he’ll have, but will it be enough?

i doubt it.

APPLE.

totally, totally retarded.

what if instead of seeing the bowl of apples, her gaze had turned to other things in her kitchen? could the kid have been named REFRIGERATOR? MICROWAVE? POP TART? STRAWBERRY POP TART? STOVE? SINK???

the list is endless and frightening to contemplate.

HEY BANANA, FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK BEFORE WATCHING TV! but is that any worse than APPLE?

so so so so dumb.

the drugs aren’t kicking in yet, i don’t feel tired at all. this is because i have to get up in the morning, so that means my mind is saying to me, hell NO it’s not time to sleep yet!

because my mind loves to torture me like that. like that, and in other ways, too. hard to say what new torture i’ll have to face when i wake up each morning.

i had a very very busy day today.

but i didn’t run NINE MILES OUTSIDE. which certainly makes me a slacker.

and finally, BUY THAT CD! if i was generous in any way, i’d have bought it for other people. but i can’t think of anybody who’d like it as much as me.

ok ok ok that’s all for FRIDAY.

grace, december.

BIG BAD VOODOO DADDY!!! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:06 pm

they were OUTSTANDING. better even than i thought they’d be. i’m going to look them up and see where else they’ll be playing. i bought their xmas cd, and a cool, vintage-looking poster that i had them all sign. and a t-shirt. i never buy stuff at concerts, and certainly not that much stuff.

ok, wait, here’s their website: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy!

and wow, they’re going to be playing at disney hall in LA on new year’s eve. i already have plans. too bad. that would be an awesome new year’s show.

but they’re going to be in austin in the spring. maybe i’ll go see them then.

this one song they played, which is on their great xmas cd, is called “mr. heatmiser.” i remembered it from a great rudolph-type animated kids show, but i couldn’t remember the name of the show. but the song was SO GREAT! i remembered that there was the heat miser and the snow miser, and that great song...but i couldn’t remembersuddenly a voice said “grace! it’s ”the year without a santa claus!" and luckily, it was leigh ann smith, standing a few people back from me. leigh ann isn’t related to me, but she’s quite brilliant, remembering the show. i came home and looked it up online, and here’s a summary:

The Year Without a Santa Claus
Even Santa can suffer a case of the holiday blues. In this 1974 stop-motion holiday family favorite, a sparkly eyed Mrs. Claus (voiced by Shirley Booth) sings and tells about the year her
hubby felt too weary and too unappreciated to prepare for his annual Christmas rounds. Mickey Rooney stars as the voice of Santa, a rosy-nosed puppet who travels incognito to Southtown in search of his tiniest reindeer, Vixen, and two well-meaning elves. Seems Mrs. Santa sent them to find proof of Christmas spirit–but all they’ve discovered is ambivalence about Santa’s year off. Luckily, when Santa arrives and befriends a buck-toothed lad named Ignatius Thistlewhite, spirits begin to lift rapidly. Adult fans of this cousin to the 1970 television special Santa Claus Is Coming to Town will remember it as the Heat and Snow Miser movie. Their vaudevillian theme songs, complete with trombone and piano riffs, are hard to forget, but other treasured musical moments include “I Believe in Santa Claus,” "I’ll Have a Blue Christmas Without You," and “Here Comes Santa Claus.”
**************

and there you have it. whew. i haven’t even listened to my fabulous new cd yet.

good night.

grace

dropping a shoe... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:00 pm

i haven’t lost any shoes at all today. yet ANOTHER good thing!

tonight i’m going to see big bad voodoo daddies at the sangamon auditorium. i’m pretty sure they’ll be really good.

yet ANOTHER good thing.

gee, the good things just keep piling up...

yep.

good things.

that is all for now. one more massage and then i’m DONE for the week.

ok ok ok,

december and festive grace

boots [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:09 pm

ok, that’s one thing to be happy about today - MY BOOTS! i put them on and walked out in the snow and my feet stayed warm and toasty and dry.

i love my boots.

i have to carry my shoes around, and knowing me, there’s a good chance i’m going to drop one someplace and then i’ll have to go around wearing only one shoe, but that’s the kind of risk i have to take.

perhaps i could find a bag to put the shoes in.

at least it’s sunny today.

boots are good.

boots.

good.

ok then,

dec. g.

WIDE AWAKE at five a.m. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:25 am

i haven’t written on here in the middle of the night for a long time. that’s not to say i haven’t been awake in the middle (i guess it’s closer now to the end) of the night in a while, but i’ve been lying here so long and my brain, instead of settling down, is way way too busy.

lots of things to think about. thinking about way too many things at this early hour. there are some things i should not think about AT ALL, because these are things i can’t change, i can’t do anything about, things that will send my mood in an unpleasant spiral downward. ok, so STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM. it would be very helpful, and i wish somebody would invent it already, to have some kind of switch one could operate in one’s brain, whereby the thoughts you wanted to get rid of could be GOTTEN RID OF.

the other day christine mentioned that movie “the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,” and i’m pretty curious about renting it. it has kate winslet in it, and...jim carey? maybe not, maybe i’m just making that up. but one or both of them has their memory altered. but then christine said that at the end of the movie, they, or just one of them, whoever has had their memory altered, they just want it back again. and i bet they don’t get it. if that’s what happens, well they need to just GET OVER IT. a memory isn’t something you really NEED, now is it? it can really clutter up your brain. in harry potter, of course, they pull out strands of memory and put them in a pensive. except i don’t think it’s spelled like that, it’s not pronounced like “pensive,” anyway. pensEEve is how it’s pronounced. it would be nice to pull out offending bits of memory and store them someplace...but really, why would you want to store them, wouldn’t it be better to erase them? wouldn’t you just put them back in if you were feeling depressed, and you wanted to make yourself more miserable? that wouldn’t be any good. maybe you could take them out of your brain, and you’d THINK you were storing them somewhere, but really they got eliminated. unnecessary clutter.

my cat winston has returned. he went someplace else for most of the night, and he appears to be very happy to be here because he’s purring loudly, but he chose to sleep on the very edge of the bed, on the other side, with his back towards me. but he continues to purr, and if i reeeaaach over and pet him, he purrs even more.

i still have a bunch of things to do today. lots of massages, i’ll need lots of energy, it won’t be a good thing if i’m really sleepy because i’m not sleeping right now. i should have done something that would quiet my brain, instead of typing, because it seems that the more i type, the faster i go. i need a good book to read, for one thing. but if it was really good, i’d have gotten engrossed in it, and then i wouldn’t have slept, also. maybe i need a boring book. hmm, i’m sure i have some of those around here.

friday friday friday, it would be really nice if it was going to be a snow day.

ok then,

ever-hopeful december grace.
although the ever-hopefullness never gets me ANYWHERE.
that’s all i’m saying.
i’m kind of hungry right now, i suddenly realized. maybe i should have a snack.

man it’s cold.

Dec. 08, 2005

later in the evening on thursday, but it’s still darn early... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:16 pm
my cat is very content that i’m sitting on my couch typing, because he’s sprawled out next to me, and i turned on the space heater so we both won’t freeze to death.

i made gingerbread and it was DELICIOUS, and especially good warm.

but i haven’t accomplished much else. i could have done lots of laundry. i didn’t. could have done lots of cleaning. also didn’t. very very slug-like.

i guess my (kind of lame) excuse is that i was tired from the massages today. plus all the working out last night. yeah, it’s a lame excuse. oh well, it’s the only one i got.

tomorrow is going to be a full day. FULL. go go going, all day long.

so maybe it’s not so bad, this slug-like behavior right now. i’m conserving my energy for tomorrow.

conserving energy. isn’t that good for the environment? yeah, i think so. yes, yes, definitely.

today for some reason i decided to call molson & lee who are on the radio, to tell them about the HORRIBLE ROAD CONDITIONS, i called WHILE I WAS DRIVING, slipping and sliding all over the road, and they were busy going on and on about the bird flu, and all the loony people who are stocking up (what, i’m not sure) for the upcoming pandemic, and they chatted with me briefly but they didn’t seem to take me SERIOUSLY about the TERROR OF THE SNOWY STREETS.

i hope they both made it home safely. AND i hope they both thought, “gee, grace sure was right. maybe we shouldn’t have CUT HER OFF like that.”

but they won’t. but that’s ok.

why? because CLASS WAS CANCELLED. which makes everything much, much better.

cayucos, anyone? anyone?

ok then,

d.g.

SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW.... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:58 pm
lots and lots and LOTS of snow. i was driving home at about 2:30 this afternoon, and it appeared that the snow plows had better things to do with their time besides PLOWING THE SNOW. 5th street was merely a suggestion of a street, a snowy path that i crept along. this is a big reason why I HATE SNOW.

i was surrounded by huge vehicles, SUVs and big trucks, and they were all passing me and i was just praying i wasn’t going to die.

i didn’t.

they announced school closings, and UIS CLOSED AT 4:00 PM! so, instead of a snow day, i have a snow night. a reprieve. what geat news. not that i would have gone out in the weather anyway, even though i (theoretically) live minutes from school, but it would have taken me hours in this weather.

if you’re going to my show, you need to get your ticket early. they’re $10 in advance, but $15 at the door, so it really pays to get them in advance. you can go to that link over there on the right side of the screen, the one right under the announcement about my show, and you can order them online through the arts council. or you can get them at cub’s, at schnuck’s, at at the Jewel. also more places, but that’s all i can remember right now.

buy your tickets early.

what if it snows A MILLION FEET on new year’s eve, like it’s doing right now? well, i guess it will be a very intimate show. that’s ok.

everything is fine.

just fine.

not going out of the house till morning.

MAYBE A MORNING IN APRIL OR MAY.

no class tonight. there’s a mind-boggling amount of stuff i should be doing, i need to do...but i think right now i’m going to bake some gingerbread.

because there’s FOURTEEN FEET OF SNOW ON THE GROUND. might as well have something delicious to eat.

i cook now.

ok then,

december grace.

p.s. there are almost no more days left to xmas, by the way. i started thinking about this yesterday, and i know i need to focus at least five minute’s worth of attention on what the hell i’m going to get for everybody in my family, except for the one FABULOUS PRESENT i’ve already bought.

Dec. 07, 2005

i found the hotel [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:35 pm

so not only do i know the name of the great little town, i finally found the hotel i stayed in. my bags are packed! i’m leaving, on a jet plane, don’t know when i’ll be back again...

cayucos shoreline inn

they have an internet special with rooms at only $79/night. say no more.

wednesday night [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:02 pm

i’m going to try to think positive thoughts. no bitter complaining about the fact that it’s supposed to be TWO DEGREES tonight, that there’s supposed to be THREE TO SIX INCHES of snow starting at dawn.

nope, going to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative...

erica loves the cold and the snow. she and randy need to go sledding together. i’ll stay home and make them cocoa and gingerbread. i wish i had some gingerbread tonight, but i was too tired to make any. this weekend. it’s at the top of my list.

erica says if it snows a lot, lincoln land could be closed, so she won’t have to teach class tomorrow. i asked if there was any chance that UIS could be closed tomorrow night so i wouldn’t have to go to class, and she said it’s possible.

i am highly amused at the thought of hoping for a snow day. when’s the last time you even had the possibility of thinking of a snow day? weren’t they great?

when i lived in austin, i was temping at some office somewhere...it was some place where i had to go through a drug test before i could work there, and i was just a TEMP, and it had something to do with the military, but i can’t remember what the place was...but one morning i got up and drove to work and there was a smattering, i mean a tiny amount of snow on the ground, and a wee amount of ice on a bridge. i got to the office and it was EMPTY. everybody had received the message on their office voicemails that the office would be CLOSED DUE TO SNOW.

smattering of snow. it was funny and ludicrous.

it was this ultra top level kind of place, damn if i can remember what they did exactly, i just remember that this one older woman who worked there wore her slippers all day.

people should be allowed to wear their slippers to work. wouldn’t work be nicer if you could shuffle around in slippers? if i ever had to work in an office (AND I’D RATHER BE DESTITUTE LIVING IN A BOX), i would try to push for slippers at work. to hell with “dress down friday,” let the workers wear slippers every damn day!

yeah, i’d be a real rabble rouser if i had a job in an office.

i was going to edit with kurt tonight but he had to go watch his children being sheep at a rehearsal for their xmas play. that’s his story anyway; he’s probably sitting in some bar sipping a beer right now.

but since i didn’t edit, i decided that i could try to have fun...or i could go exercise. i did not want to go exercise, i DID NOT want to do it, and i kept waffling and changing my mind, and after i gave a massage i went to amy’s salon and massaged her shoulders a little because she’s all knotted, all the time, and i decided that after doing this good deed i could be excused from working out since it was getting later and later...

and i drove towards home, which is also towards the fit club, and still i debated. but my sister-in-law vivian was at amy’s salon and she was the first to break the news to me about the encroaching snow, so i decided it was even less likely that i’d be able to drag my body to the fit club if there was lots of snow on the ground.

so i worked out. i was just going to lift weights - this is how i tricked myself into going - but then after i did that, i decided that since i had made the effort to get there, i should run on the treadmill. at least a little.

and every time i get on the treadmill, i promise myself that i only have to do it for 15 minutes. because i know that after about 12 minutes, i’ll figure that i might as well keep going, i can do 30 minutes, it’s not a big deal, and it actually feels pretty good.

so at least when i finally got home, and it was after eight o'clock, i did feel like i’d actually accomplished something.

yeah, all about the willpower.

i’m listening to my favorite xmas cd, “hipsters' holiday,” put out by rhino records, but i might have to change it because i always listen to it that i’m still a little tired of it FROM LAST YEAR.

i wish i could achieve a little balance in some aspect of my life. and not be so obsessive about things. at least occasionally.

i was trying to find something interesting there at the fit club, i noticed that most of the people looked single. there was a guy with a really nice tattoo on his arm, and i actually spoke to him, which is completely unprecedented, except i usually talk to my neighbor greg, but only because i know him. and frequently he talks to me first, which takes all the pressure off me.

but as i was stretching after running, i looked in the big aerobics room, there was a guy in there juggling. he was really really good, juggling in all kinds of fancy ways, and then he got bored with that and took one of the juggling balls and started rolling it down his arm, over his shoulder, down the other arm. who was this guy? was he a circus clown? what was he doing there?

we’ll just have to wonder about this fellow, because of course i didn’t go in and ask him. i mean, i’d already talked to somebody i didn’t know, i wasn’t about to ENTER A ROOM and then talk to yet another person i didn’t know.

erica is going to take astronomy next semester. i told her that this was the only C i got in college, and i never understood anything that was going on in the class, but she’s going to take it. good luck. i’m glad it’s you and not me.

maybe tomorrow night will be a snow night. no class. that would be great.

probably won’t happen.

but you never know.

i’ve also made a pact with myself that i’m not going to keep writing about “sex & the city” all the time, and i’m not going to keep watching it. i watched the 10:00 episode, but after it was over i turned it off and felt like i’d just wasted a half hour. i mean, i guess i don’t think i really wasted it, i mean, i deserve a little break sometimes, don’t i? but i’m not going to watch anymore, i’m now just going to hold out for when i buy it.

but today i got a glossy brochure from a cycling vacation place, and it made me want to reserve a spot for a cycling vacation next summer. there’s one on a greek island that looks great, except it’s a little pricier than some of the others, plus there’s a pretty hefty “single supplement” tacked onto it, which they refund if they find you a roommate, but it all seems just a little too expensive. plus the greek cycling vacation is listed at moderate to challenging, and i think i’d like to do something more in the easy to moderate range. there’s another tour down the romantic road in germany, and i’ve always loved the sound of that, and i must go there at some point, not necessarily on a bicycle, but you never know.

last night i wrote to somebody and i talked about this little town south of cambria where i went for a wedding about six or seven years ago, and how the hotel was right on the beach and i could open the sliding door and listen to the ocean all night and it was paradise.

i couldn’t remember the name of the town.

today, i did chair massages at a company, and this other massage therapist and i started talking, she asked me how i was able to stand this weather and i said i’m not really standing it very well, especially not this winter, and she started talking about this trip to california that she took last year, and there was this one little town that she’d loved to move to. it’s called Cayucos.

THAT’S THE TOWN!

doesn’t that seem like some kind of karma thing? i mean, really, a karma kind of thing? don’t i need to just move there, maybe? or at least go visit really, really soon?

yeah.

the week marches on...

december grace.

Dec. 06, 2005

sitting here, trapped by my addiction... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:42 pm

whew. very very busy day. there are TWO “sex & the citys” on right now. AT THE SAME TIME. crazy.

i’m watching one that i’ve already seen, so when i have the REAL UNCUT VERSION, i’ll get to see the one i haven’t seen before real and uncut.

right now aidan is asking carrie to marry him. she just said yes.

this is sweet and nice, but it won’t last, of course. it’s comforting to know this already. he’s a nice guy, but not the guy for her. but then steve just asked...the redhead, WHAT is her name again???...to marry him and she said, NO, of course not...but i also know that they’re going to end up in love and together and happily ever after. so maybe that means you never know about how things will really end up? or wait, maybe it means that THIS IS JUST TV, it’s not real life, it doesn’t matter...

nothing matters...

nothing matters...

my show is now too long. i did plenty of cutting tonight.

tomorrow is going to be more busy than today. i’m ready for it.

i’m ready for it?

yes.

yes?

maybe.

perhaps.

perhaps. perhaps.

today it was gray all day, and cold and snowy. in a word, horrible.

it was a good day to be inside doing massage.

miranda. her name is miranda. a new one is on already now.

i now say goodnight. but not goodbye.

ok then,

dec. g.

tuesday afternoon [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 3:37 pm

i have a small amount of free time in between things right now, so i’m sitting here at amy’s salon, typing and eating little chocolates. i brought her some xmas chocolates, since i come over here and eat her little chocolates every day, and she then left me a message saying that i NEVER have to bring any chocolates, that i can just come over and eat ten a day, and that’s fine with her.

because she’s a very nice and generous sister.

i thought the xmas chocolates would look festive, since she doesn’t believe in cluttering her place with xmas decorations. plus, of course, it’s serving my own self-interest because that way when i come over for chocolates, i can have a different kind.

i’m washing the chocolates down with a big glass of EMERGEN-C, which has 1,000 mg of vitamin C. i’m not coughing today, but i feel incredibly, incredibly tired. incredibly. i just want to nap. i’m about to take a little nap, as a matter of fact, but i bet that the instant i lie down, my mind is going to start spinning out of control about all the stuff i have to get done.

today i talked to a woman who is long done with all her xmas preparations. all i have is the one gift, and i was thinking about looking for other gifts this afternoon, but i don’t even have any ideas, so i figured it would be a total waste of time because my brain isn’t fully-functioning enough to think about gifts.

christine says maybe we could try having a “comments” section here again, but it seems a little iffy to me. the spammers haven’t been attacking the site nearly as much, but they’re still doing it quite a bit, especially considering there’s NO PLACE FOR THEM to actually post their spam messages. ads for viagra and online pharmacies and stuff.

kurt and i did a tiny bit of editing this afternoon, but i got to his house late because i kind of got lost. i decided to take a shortcut down greenbriar, there by TGIFriday’s, and i thought i came out on some road that i knew where i was going, but then i realized i didn’t even know which direction i was driving, so i had to call and tell him i was lost, and he helped me get to his house.

we didn’t have a lot of time, but we did manage to do a lot of stuff in the tiny amount we had. it’s all coming together.

things will be good, as long as i’m not sick. the chocolate and the vitamin C are already making me feel more chipper.

as long as i don’t look outside.

vacation to a tropical isle, anyone? anyone?

ok already,

IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF DECEMBER grace

Dec. 05, 2005

MULTI-TASKING BLACK EYED PEAS [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:23 pm

i’m suddenly running out of time. just in general. i got home from class and did some schoolwork-type stuff which really just involved e-mailing papers to class that i’d already written, but suddenly it’s 10:30 and i just wanted to WATCH SEX & THE CITY, and i know i need to just quit this stupid new obsession because it is taking up too much of my time but right now i have it on and there’s a COMMERCIAL, so i’m able to do this AND that.

not so bad.

not like the weather outside, which is so bad that maybe i’m just going to ignore it for the rest of winter.

and they’re THE BLACK EYED PEAS, by the way; both P. (Ponce de Leon) and Christine wrote to me about it. because they know. people who know. and who take time from their very very busy lives to write and give me important information like that. P. says he knows a lot about pop culture, and i know christine does, she doesn’t even have to tell me that. she knows. she gets around.

what about when i break down and buy the whole sex & the c. set? then i’ll just want to sit around ALL THE TIME and watch it. but i will be able to do it when i have time. this will be good. that’s my lone new year’s resolution, to buy the set.

i just got over a cold JUST. i mean, LAST WEEK. and now it appears that i’m getting another one. isn’t there some kind of rule that if you get a cold, you then don’t get any anymore, like not for a year, at least? not IMMEDIATELY after the other one, my cough hadn’t even completely gone away. but i’m attacking this one with more vigilance, because i have no free time for a cold. zinc, emergen-C, lots and lots of liquids, plus i drug out all the drugs i got from the last time and i’m about to start taking them. i can’t find one of them, but i know it’s around here somplace.

today was busy, but tomorrow the busy-ness increases. no time for a cold. no time.

the s&tc is over now; they’re just not as good all edited and made clean for network television. but still awfully good. and i continue to be amazed at how many of them i’ve never seen. so if i QUIT watching them now, then i’ll have all all-new ones to watch when i buy them. tonight they were in la. i thought about if maybe this is a sign that i should move back there. it was all about how fake and bad things are there, but i don’t care about the fakeness, i was focusing on the blue skies and sitting out by the pool.

eight degrees this morning. EIGHT.

this afternoon kurt and i edited for a while. we made some progress. we finished one video, and i think it’s funny. kurt actually laughed a few times, and he’s not a laughing kind of guy, usually. so that’s a good sign. maybe tomorrow we’ll finish another one.

because i haven’t moved from my green couch since the show was over ten minutes ago, i started flipping channels, and sarah jessica parker is on the tonight show with jay leno, MY ARCH ENEMY. she is hawking her new perfume and claims that she’s had a dream of creating a perfume for 20 years.

i haven’t ever even thought of anything like that. ever. never ever.

no 20 year-old dreams at all, that i can think of, as a mattef of fact.

this whole tv thing, i’m not going to get sucked into watching it again. there, turned it off. no more of that. it would be nice to be listening to some kind of mellow music right now, and sometimes i think of that, but most of the time i forget. and if i happen to turn on the music, which i rarely do, then i just tune it out once i start writing and then after a while i realize the music has stopped. but in theory it would be nice to have some music. where’s my favorite xmas cd? around here someplace. proabably wherever the cold medicine is.

tonight to class i wore sweats, but i knew that the wind would whip through them on the horrible trudge from parking lot to class, so i wore long underwear under them. they were very toasty warm, and i still have them on, and they’re still toasty warm. just a small bit too warm, but better than too cold.

ok now, i feel like i’m just sitting here stalling, because i have a little moe work to do before i go to sleep, and i NEED TO GO TO SLEEP EARLIER, in order to keep up my fight against the encroaching cold. which i am not going to get.

ok ok ok,

december grace.

Dec. 04, 2005

craig fulfilling many of my needs, plus more on sunday night [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:53 pm

i wrote on friday night about my concerns about there being a fire and all the stuff on my computer being burned up, and craig wrote me a very nice e-mail telling me just how to solve this problem. plus he wrote to me about how to have comments on my site without all the spammers being able to post, and i will have to pass this information on to christine because she’s the one who would probably know what he’s talking about. i wrote to him whining and complaining about my lost zest for living and he suggested bungee jumping which is a TERRIBLE idea, but he can’t be right all the time. i would probably die or at least hurt myself VERY BADLY bungee jumping, because i can hurt myself JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET. or perhaps just standing still. i broke my toe crashing into an ottoman in my bedroom. i tripped over a curb walking to the gym one day and fell down and scraped my arms and my brand new glasses. there’s an ironic reason i’m called grace.

it’s going to be SO SO SO SO SO cold here this week. unseasonably cold, even though it’s the cold season, but it’s going to be about seven degrees at night and only get up into the teens during the days, and it’s really not something i’m going to want to think about. at all. i wish there was some excuse for moving back to la. some way to make gobs of money there so i could afford to have a driver, and then the traffic wouldn’t be an issue. or i could live right down there by the beach and then i’d never drive anyway, i’d just walk around by the beach and be a beach bum.

i wrote in the roadrunner’s newsletter a couple of months ago about how i was going to keep running outside during the winter, blah blah blah, but now i just have to say NO WAY TO THAT. all week i’ve been working out at the fit club, and it hasn’t been too bad and at least it’s warm. i mostly ran on the treadmill which is pretty boring but i was able to watch tv which was usually pretty boring. let’s see, i think i heard one new thing today...but now i can’t even remember it.

sometimes i watch the music videos. tonight thad gave me a little lecture about the need for me to know SOMETHING about popular mainstream culture, and i told him i have randy for that. but then thad made some reference to...fergie? and i thought he was talking about the duchess of york. no, fergie in some band...called...i can’t remember. it’s one i’d heard of. something about that RETARDED song called “i want your hump” or something MORONIC like that. the band has a bunch of words in the title. the something something something something. i think. maybe there’s no “the” in the title at all. whatever, it’s a totally stupid song. my niece mercedes knows and love the song, but she’s only fourteen. fourteen? going to be fourteen? i should AT LEAST know my niece’s age! bad, bad aunt. her birthday is december 18th. she will be one year older. we will have cake.

the weekend was busy. i’ve now shot most of the videos for the show. theoretically tomorrow kurt and i will start editing them. then i have class tomorrow night, but i’m tired of the whole class thing and i want it to be over because i want to focus on the show. but then what? you need to think about the NOW, miss smith, please don’t waste YOUR ENTIRE LIFE thinking about what could happen, or what did happen (and how it could have happened much better).

i saw the movie “sky high,” which i really liked a lot.

i made mexican chicken soup for dinner.

erica got a christmas card from jimmy and rosalyn carter. very exciting. erica is going to be in one of my videos. it’s going to be very funny. it’s about beverages. i think i may call it “beverage video,” because i like how generic that sounds. unless somebody comes up with something funnier.

thad thought this show i’m doing was going to be a compilation of the two i’ve already done. i said NO OF COURSE NOT I LIKE WRITING NEW THINGS, but then i started worrying that maybe that’s what i should have done, because i’ve done them before and i could pick the funniest stuff and now this venue is so much larger than the other one...but then i decided WHO CARES, i like writing new stuff.

so sunday night could be worse.

i can think of at least two things that could be much better.

but that’s always going to be how it is, isn’t it?

i have a busy massage week this week.

i want to make some gingerbread. i’d like a piece right now.

have you been down hooker street yet? it’s right down the street from the bowling alley in laketown. it will make your night. that’s all i have to say.

i’m sorry if you don’t live here and can’t see the street. you could come visit. but not this week, because the cold will make you surly and/or sad. surly AND sad is a wicked combination. i’m usually, mostly just sad about things, but surly would at least be something different.

grrrr. there’s me, the surliness creeping in. grrrrr....grrrrr....

doesn’t work. not me.

i bet i was really surly in a past life, and i got it all out of my system. perhaps i was atilla the hun.

i think in my next life i’ll be a mathematical genius. to make up for the lack thereof in this life.

i wish i really believed in the whole past life/next life thing. maybe i’ll try to believe in it.

“a charlie brown christmas” is going to be on tuesday night. i sure would like to see it.

ok ok ok then,

december grace with many things to do so please stop SITTING HERE GOOFING OFF!

Dec. 03, 2005

saturday morning [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:17 am

randy just called, his mother said there’s supposed to be lots and lots of snow this afternoon.

i refuse to believe it.

not going to happen.

i may or may not leave my bedroom today.

just depends.

snow or no snow.

ok then,

leaping toward april grace

BETTING RESULT IN! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:14 am

i’m referring to the post yesterday (RIGHT NOW IT’S REALLY FRIDAY DECEMBER SECOND, BUT BY THE TIME IT’S POSTED IT WILL SAY DECEMBER THIRD, WHICH IS WRONG) about anybody at all responding to my comment about putting flyers up at workplaces. i assumed that nobody would write to me about this, but SOMEBODY DID! not only that, but he said he’d put them up in TWO places at work. so that is very, very good, and i’m sure my show will be packed.

i saw the movie “rent” tonight. i don’t know why i never saw the play, but i would now like to see it, but i don’t know where/if it’s playing anyplace convenient. i liked the movie, but it was a little long, but most of the music was good, but it was also awfully depressing.

before dinner we went to panera where they have DELICIOUS PORTABELLA MUSHROOM AND GARLIC BISQUE, and i love that soup and am going to try to figure out how to make it somehow, and mom and randy were having a discussion about getting out of houses when they’re on fire because somebody was just killed in a house fire (and randy says suspicious things will be revealed about that incident soon enough, he thinks), and then they were talking about what i should do if there’s a fire, and i guess i’ll have to jump out the window even though my bedroom is on the second floor, but they didn’t think i’d hurt myself too badly if i fall in the bushes at the front of the house, although the bushes aren’t very big and i’m sure i’d at least break something and they said that doesn’t matter, i’d be ok.

this wasn’t the MOST cheery before-depressing-movie dinner conversation i’ve ever had. also, it made me think about what if there actually WAS a fire, what about everything in my computer? i think i need to frequently copy everything and then go put the copy in my car or something so that it would be safe. because i’ve written many many things on this computer, and i would be pretty upset if they were all burned up.

not to mention everything else, but WHY did we get on this whole topic anyway? gee, are there any other depressing things to think about late on friday night, like...nope, censor, censor, not going there.

i talked to jerri on the phone today and she said they’ve had a couple of inches of snow in minneapolis and they’re going to get some more and snow is GREAT and i have to look at the POSITIVE side of snow.

that would be jerri “pollyanna” heffernan, by the way. and also, this will be only the second year of snow she’s had IN HER LIFE.

we’ll see how she feels about it in about five years.

also, somebody today was telling me that it’s important to have the seasons because it represents the cycle of rest and re-birth and renewal and all that HOOEY in life, and i said, yeah yeah yeah, i can REMEMBER the cycles without the ice and snow and bitter cold.

tonight in rent one of the characters moved to santa fe. that sounded like a possibility, except i’d rather have a warm place with a little more greenery.

i’m still thinking about it.

south carolina? north carolina? i hear those carolinas are awfully pretty. i just talked to an old friend over the weekend who lives in north carolina, i think, and he says it’s very beautiful there.

i really need to get to sleep now. BIG weekend plans.

Ok then,

december grace.

Dec. 01, 2005

photos [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:04 pm

i wish i had some photos to put up here. i really like my new hat, maybe i’ll get somebody to take my picture in it so you can see it. it goes down kind of far in the front, and practically covers my face, but amy (who know everything, did i mention that?) said that a hat needs to go far down because it’s SO COLD out.

i’m glad i’m inside now. not sleeping in a cardboard box.

a couple of people have assured me that i won’t end my life sleeping in a cardboard box, but really, i could outlive everybody.

not that i’d find enough to keep me busy that long.

maybe i’ll order S&TC right now.

maybe i should wait till i’ve spent all the money i’m going to spend on xmas, and then i can decide if it’s too rash.

but i’m not known for not being rash.

good night then.

gs

one more thing on the first day of december [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:50 pm

i have a new addiction, and it is “sex & the city.” this is a more satisfying addiction than my previous and long-ago (relatively speaking) addiction to the soap opera “all my children,” because that addiction was more about this weird compulsive/obsessive desire to see how everything would unfold in all the dramas going on even though it was predictable and over the top and not very well acted and not very well written and all of that. this addiction, though, it makes me laugh sometimes, and that’s a good thing. plus all the stuff that’s completely true about my life.

i don’t like all the ads, though, but soon, SOON, i will buy myself a nice gift, the whole series, and then that’s all i’ll do, just watch it over and over.

until spring.

there are many victoria’s secret ads during the show, and they are an awful lot like erotica. very shapely women in little bitty nothings getting water poured on them and stuff. and then right after that are ads for arby’s, showing glistening fried batter dipped chicken things served with some thick glommy sauce, probably some variation on ranch dressing. and cookie ads.

i’m glad i’m going to buy the show so i don’t have to watch the actual tv with the ads anymore. because they’re too annoying. even muted.

soon i will sleep. and then i will wake up, and it will be spring, and the sky will be blue, etc etc etc.

if i lived SOMEPLACE WARM, that is.

it was always like that in LA.

ok already,

december grace.

SCISSORS FOUND!!! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:53 pm

my brother david sent me an e-mail, which he does about once every three years or so (but that’s ok because i do see him a lot because he lives right here in spfld; what about the REST OF YOU who i never hear from? but i’ve come to accept that in my life and i’ve moved on), about the missing scissors.

Dear Grace-This is your Brother-I just wanted to tell you I know where the scissors are ; - )

I have seen them! They were in large boxes like would fit a Clothes dryer, in a building on 11th street where the State Of Illinois has Auctions-there were about 4 large sized boxes full of these scissors from O'hare airport in Chicago! WOW I have never seen that many Scissors in my life! Oh well just thought your audience might like to hear about this ; - )

David S. 11-30-05.

this is obviously just a small portion of the MILLIIONS of confiscated scissors, but at least we know where some of them are. i wonder who will buy the gigantic boxes of scissors? will they be distributing them to the needy, those in desperate need of scissors? people with things-that-need-to-be-cut crises?

what about the confiscated chain saws? one would assume that there probably aren’t quite so many of them floating around.

our mayor, tim davlin, got his neck “nicked” by a chain saw, as a matter of fact. i didn’t actually read the news story, but apparently he and a friend were...cutting things (trees, maybe?) and somehow...the friend accidently took a little nick out of the mayor?

i’d just like to know how this is possible. accidently getting so close to somebody that you cut off a little piece of their neck. i just want to know. i wonder if any beer was involved in this incident. that’s all i’m saying. just curious.

by the way, the other day there was an article in the paper about all the birds that congregate on the power lines by the mall. this is something i wrote about a little bit ago, and i’m assuming the writer READ MY BLOG and decided to go do a bunch of research and talk to experts and stuff about the birds. i read the article, at least most of it, but i can’t really remember much of it. nothing relevant, anyway. i guess, what’s the point of learning things because you just forget them? maybe not you, maybe it’s just me.

in “calvin and hobbes,” the past few days calvin was questioning the point of learning a bunch of stuff when we’re all just going to die anyway. i guess if you carry this further, you’re going to wonder what’s the point of ANYTHING AT ALL, since we’re just going to D.A. except for trying to make the most of things. must get to work on that bright and early tomorrow morning.

in the middle of the night i was awake for a couple of hours, and i finally got up briefly and looked out and there was SNOW ON THE GROUND. oh, god. not snow. i decided that not only was i going to go back to bed and NEVER GET UP AGAIN AT LEAST TILL SPRING, but that there is absolutely not one single reason for me to spend one more winter in this godforsaken place where it is cold and bleak and snowy and bleak and cold and awful.

i’ve been pondering that today.

i did buy one SPECTACULAR CHRISTMAS GIFT today, and i’m pretty excited about it. i don’t really know what to get for anybody else, but at least i have this one PHENOMENAL thing. very very happy about that.

i also bought myself a hat, scarf, and some gloves. i already have two, maybe three pairs of gloves, but i’m sure some of them will be lost by tomorrow, saturday at the latest. i bought a few more little gifts and I LOVE BUYING GIFTS.

erica is going to be in one of the videos i’m making for GRACETALK #3. randy is, too. i can’t tell you what they’re going to be doing, because you’ll just have to COME TO THE SHOW AND SEE.

tonight i printed up some 81/2 x 11 show flyers to put up places. so let me know if you want one, and i’ll get you one. i could e-mail it to you? and then you could display it in your office or workplace or place you go to every day, and then maybe more people would come to the show. so let me know (i would bet somebody a dollar that NOBODY will write to me about this, but who, exactly, would i bet? i could say i’ll bet YOU, the reader, but YOU probably won’t write me back anyway. but this is good, because maybe somebody would be out a whole DOLLAR and that would be too bad), and i’ll be happy to get one to you.

an example of my mysterious and unseen readers: (but maybe i told you this already, and if so, you can skip it) some guy who works with my brother-in-law jim apparently reads this ALL THE TIME, because he’ll come up to jim and tell him about stuff that the guy knows about jim from reading this. WHO IS THIS MYSTERY MAN? will he come to my show and bring 499 of his closest friends and family members? maybe he has many many children, many relatives, many in-laws, he could bring all of them.

i told a friend today about my worry about doing the show in the big theater at the hoogland and he said, “don’t worry, the lights will be on you, you won’t see them.” THAT’S NOT WHAT WORRIES ME. the people don’t worry me, it’s the potential LACK of people.

but really, i just can’t get all worked up about it. i have to focus on HATING THE COLD AND SNOW.

i did get up eventually, by the way, even though i did not want to. tonight after working and shopping and working some more, i worked out at the club even though i REALLY didn’t want to do that because it’s so damn cold out. but after forcing myself to work out a lot, i got in the hot tub and THAT, my friend, is what MADE MY DAY.

hot hot hot bubbly water. excellent. i think it’s a big part of the reason i’m so tired right now. that, and the fact that i’ve been up for almost thirteen whole hours today.

there was a guy in the hot tub, and at one point he said “this is the best part of the day.” i was glad that somebody else felt just like i did.

whew.

ok then,

DECEMBER grace.

1.114 [powered by b2.]

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Obama for President!
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Shorty 'n Giz
State Fair Commercial
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My Big Weekend
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Gracetalk1
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On The Boat

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published by the Illinois Times

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krinkle.net,
written by my friend Craig

Canada Garden,
beautiful photography by one of my readers

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