May. 31, 2005

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monday night... [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:29 am
and i’m so tired that i’m sort of in a mood to cry. not because anything is wrong, but just because i’m SO TIRED. rehearsal lasted till 10:35 tonight. we had to get there at six to practice the can-can, and it’s much better than it was on thursday. it was hot when i got to new salem, but as the night wore on, it got more and more chilly, and my jacket wasn’t thick enough. crazy.

my weekend wasn’t bad. i can’t think of any traditional memorial day-type things that i did, except we did cook out last night. saturday night i saw “rounding third,” a play at the hoogland center for the arts. it was a two-man play, with jason goodreau and mac warren, and it was really good. it’s nice to be able to see good theater right here in springfield.

because he pays attention as well as being thoughtful, on friday B. (Bluto) lent me a flashlight to take to new salem so erica and i won’t have to be scared to death walking to the car. i dragged it around in my purse all weekend long, and although it’s not a huge flashlight, it’s not that small, either, and tonight before i left, i tried to turn it on, but it wouldn’t work. i must have accidentally switched it on in my purse, and the battery ran down. luckily i realized this before standing in the dark, and mom lent me another one.

i wanted to put up a couple of photos from my birthday party, which seems like it was a million years ago. i’m feeling right now, though, that i don’t have a good grasp of time or anything, because my brain has decided to go to sleep without me.

this is the family, on randy’s patio, which is quite lovely.



and here’s randy himself, looking very dashing...



ok then, must sleep right now...

gracezzzzzzzzzzzz.......




May. 27, 2005

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friday! [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:13 am
and things are sunny. the weather - perfect. last night rehearsal was fairly productive; the can-can is coming along, but i must practice this weekend. sometimes my brain just doesn’t want to retain the steps. it was great to spend most of the evening outside. the only scary part of the evening was when erica and i had to stumble our way back to my car after rehearsal. it’s very, very dark at new salem at night. we keep forgetting to bring flashlights, and there were a couple of times when we had to just stop walking because we couldn’t see anything at all. erica expressed some concern about monsters, but my more practical issue was about potentially falling.

we made it out fine, though, and headed for steak-n-shake because after all that dancing we were STARVING. as we enjoyed our delicious food (i had a genuine steakburger), a woman in the booth in back of me had a Serious Steakburgher Incident. i suddenly heard her complaining bitterly to the waitress about the very very dry bun. the waitress took it away and brought her another burger, and the women kept talking and talking about it. on and on and on she went. “now THIS is a Steakburger,” she said, “that other one, though, the burger was ok, but the bun walked in here from someplace else.”

erica and i conjectured about where the bun might have wandered in from. if it had crossed the street, it would have also been flat, with tire marks, besides being very very dry.

erica said this made her realize her life isn’t so bad, since she doesn’t spend a lot of it worrying about the freshness of a hamburger bun.

as we left the restaurant at 11:30, i noticed the huge line of cars in the drive-thru. what were these people doing? why was everybody eating so late at night? i’m sure not a single one of them was can-canning for hours, anyway. it wasn’t just kids, either, it was people of all ages.

i finally pulled into my garage, and there was my shiny new bike. i’m excited about riding it this weekend.

somebody at rehearsal asked me about my weekend plans. Practicing the can-can, that’s the only thing that’s pressing.

also, randy bought me a pair of lowrider tommy hilfiger bellbottom jeans. he’s been talking for months about how i should buy some lowrider bellbottoms, but i’ve tried to explain to him that this look would not be good for me, personally. so he finally took matters into his own hands.

they look horrible, by the way. they’re too big, but they’re also way too low cut, and too long and bell-bottomy. he didn’t realize that i have to try on at least 20 pairs of jeans before i might find a pair that doesn’t look horrible.

we may or may not go look for a new pair tomorrow. i’m not entirely sure if i’m up to the task, though. yesterday i tried on a couple of bathing suits, and i felt that was enough trying-on horror for one week.

that is all for now.

have a fabulous weekend.

ok then,

grace going to be outside as much as possible starting right now.


May. 25, 2005

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looking on the bright side of life... [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:53 am
i had some chocolate cake first thing this morning.

what could be better?

plus, i’m saving a hostess ding dong which i received for my birthday for later in the day, when the surliness returns.

ok then,

grace making it through the day.

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4:59 a.m. [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:09 am
birthday celebration was good. cake, good. very good. enough food was consumed by me, personally, that i won’t need to eat again until my next birthday.

mom asked me the other day if i ever sleep through the night. i told her that i usually do, but on those occasions when i’m wide awake, sometimes i write.

we ate at randy’s house; he’d gone to a lot of trouble, including getting a giant balloon that sings! you tap it, and it’s an elvis-like voice singing happy birthday. very nice. i took a bunch of photos, but i’m not about to get up and upload anything right at this moment. and tomorrow i’ll be much too busy...and boy, i wish i was sleeping now. the birds sound very cheerful outside. maybe i should get up and run, since it’s probably getting light. WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? no, of course i won’t get up and run.

counting sheep, maybe i’ll try counting sheep. in theory it’d be pretty, watching the sun come up.

in theory.

ok then,

grace soon, very very soon, to be asleep again....


May. 24, 2005

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birthday malcontent [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:40 pm
i’ve been feeling kind of growly all day long. i was in a surprisingly good mood this morning, running. i passed some guys who were working by the side of the road, and as they were headed to their truck, one of them stopped and dropped his glove, turning back to say hi to me. “it’s my birthday!” i wanted to shout at him, but i didn’t.

the good thing is that i got a perfect score on my written driving test, which i took yesterday. the last time i had to take it, i think it was about a million and one years ago, i had to cheat. there was a very long section about road signs and what they meant, and because there were no words on them, i couldn’t identify some of them, so i looked at the paper of the guy next to me.

now, the test is on the computer, of course. there was a sign taped to the computer that read IF YOU ARE CAUGHT CHEATING, YOU WILL BE KILLED. no, not really, but you couldn’t take the test for another month.

this time, i didn’t even have the slightest desire to cheat. by the way, i’ve never cheated on ANYTHING else in my life, except for that one driving test so many years ago. and then it was only because it was completely necessary.

anyway, there were 28 questions, and i knew it all, it was a breeze. there were a couple of questionable ones, actually, but the wrong answers were so blatantly wrong that it was easy to guess the only logical one.

for example, when you pass a construction zone, should you (a) speed up (b) honk your horn (c) stop and wave at the construction workers (d) slow down and proceed with caution.

not only was one question always much more logical, but the right answer had more formal words in it. “proceed with caution,” "pass carefully and with restraint," stuff like that.

after the five minutes it took for the test, i got my new driver’s license photo. if you see me, please feel free to ask me to see it. i think it’s the best picture i’ve ever had taken, better than the one i got for free from the (very very expensive) professional photographer who took my photo after getting my braces off.

anyway, i should focus on being glad about passing my test. i realize this is a rather trivial thing to be happy about, but it’s all i have to work with at the moment.

oh, and also, i got a new bike for my birthday. i’m very excited about that, and may decide to head off into the wilderness on it later this summer. it’s very fancy, and green. and it has a rear-view mirror as well as a bell.

i never did make it to the art fair over the weekend, but i did see “star wars.” my expectations were pretty low, so i was pleasantly surprised. if you’re on the fence about seeing it, i think you definitely should. i mean, it’s the final one, and movies are always better on the big screen anyway, and it' such a part of our culture that you should go. i tried to convince erica of this last night, but she said she doesn’t care, she’s not going to see it. she’s only seen the very FIRST star wars, which was pretty incredible. i tried to convince her of the importance of the star wars films in our society as a whole, but she’d have none of it. erica can be pretty stubborn sometimes.

we rehearsed for the first time at new salem last night. it went...don’t ask. but i do love being out there, a lot. when we left, the main gate was locked so we had to drive through the campground to get out. erica said she wouldn’t want to camp there because it looked so dark and scary, but i think it’d be fun. new salem always gives me such a peaceful feeling when i’m outside there.

we practiced inside last night, though. working on the can-can, finally.

don’t ask.

but you might as well come to the show, because the songs will be good.

that is all for now.

i’m looking forward to chocolate cake.

ok then,

grace about to spring into a better mood...




May. 21, 2005

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jim wises up [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 6:55 pm


Today, Jim mowed with the riding mower. it went a lot faster. all was good.

we also put the BOAT IN THE WATER, very exciting, except mom and jim and i were driving it back to my parents' house and the motor was making a very bad sound, and we were concerned because the boat is so old, but the engine just needed to be lower in the water, no problem, all is still good.

when we got back, i cleaned it out because last weekend all i did was sweep and it was quite filthy. it doesn’t really look at nice as this; i’m not sure why it looks so much better in a photo, but it does float which is all that matters.



mom put her flamingos out, so now all the boaters won’t get lost.



my kitties spent the day trying to relax as best they could.



i felt like the kitties, very lazy. after i cleaned out the boat, i finally went running, and tried to go fast fast fast but it wasn’t realy very fast at all.

in my posting about the can of beans, by the way, i meant the can of beans SONG of course, i didn’t mean we finished an actual can of beans.

i tried to take a picture of my very bruised ribs, but it came out too blurry.

did you go to the art fair? i didn’t get there today, but maybe tomorrow. and have you seen star wars? christine said it was better than the most recent ones, but there’s too many random battle scenes.

that is all for now. i hope you’re enjoying your weekend.

ok then,

grace trying not to be quite as lazy as i could be.

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saturday morning [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:32 am
luckily, i never know what exactly will happen during my day, because people call and change their massage appointments, or they want a massage, and so i just go with the flow. this morning, i was going to get up and lift weights and then swim, and things were kind of hazy after that.

but here i sit at my sister’s salon, about to get my hair re-blondified. she called early this morning and said i needed to be here by 9:15. so here i am. hard to say how long i’ll be here, but that’s fine, it’s a nice place to hang out in.

we finished the can of beans last night. i did get a good-sized bruise on one side of my ribs, and pointed it out to caleb. we discussed how he could grab me in a less painful way. i’d had lunch with B. (Barney), who knows about dancing and showed me a better way of lifting.

In theory, caleb understood this, and we practiced it a couple of times. but when it came time to do the actual dance, it was much faster and more chaotic, and he grabbed away and today the bruise is much more defined and darker. maybe next time it’ll be better...

at the end of the dance, all the couples have to end up in different poses, and because caleb and i are in the back, we were supposed to do a lift. so caleb picked me up and put me ON ONE SHOULDER.

at first i balked at this; it would surely kill him. plus it could also kill me. but we tried it, and it worked, and then it was kind of fun. nobody ever picks me up and puts me on their shoulder; i don’t think that’s ever happened to me in my whole life. it’s kind of neat up there. after we practiced it a few times, it even felt easy. but then again, i wasn’t the one doing the picking up.

we didn’t have a lot of time for can-canning, but monday, i’m sure we’ll get it. monday, when we go OUT TO NEW SALEM to practice, which should be fun.

all right, i’m about to get glamourfied.

ok then,

grace on the go.


May. 19, 2005

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ice cream, but not cake [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:25 pm
no cake at ALL today. my, what self-control you have, miss smith. i did have a scoop of baskin robbins ice cream tonight, but it was sugar free and low fat. as usual, when push comes to shove, i don’t get the superfat delicious ice cream and then am filled with regret later. but of course i’d have been filled with regret if i HAD gotten the much more delicious, high fat ice cream, so really, i just can’t win and maybe someday i’ll just accept whatever decision i make in life.

i’m very tired. busy day working, then vigorous rehearsal, when we finally got around to dancing at about eight o'clock. we did more work on the can of beans song; we dance the polka, and then the men have to LIFT us in the air. i get lifted three times in a row, by the same guy. i’m happy that my randomly chosen partner is caleb, who is clearly the most sturdy and strong guy of the group. erica’s partner is a guy who is so thin that his legs look like actual cartoon character stick legs; i’m not sure how they support the rest of his body weight. he makes my dad look like a big fat cow, and if you know my dad, you’ll realize this guy is seriously skinny.

i apologized to caleb in advance for having to pick me up three times, but he said it would be no problem. “my second girlfriend,” he said, “weighed twice as much as you, and i picked her up all the time.” but did you have to throw her? i asked. “no, but i would have liked to, but that’s another story,” he said, and then we polked away. i wondered what girlfriend he’s up to now, and if she, too, weighs twice as much as me, and if he picks her up, also. i didn’t get a chance to ask him, because we were much too busy with the continuous dancing and throwing.

my ribs are going to be kind of bruised tomorrow, i think, from the many rehearsals of the picking up and throwing.

when we do the lifting, i feel like i’m a good four feet higher in the air than any of the other women. perhaps it’s my imagination, but i don’t think it is. it’s kind of fun, being way up there, and who knows how high i’ll get once we’re out in the open air of new salem. far, far up in the sky i’ll be.

they spent a lot of time practicing a move near the end of the dance, whereby they pick up one girl (the youngest and smallest of us), and turn her upside down and she lands on her feet. it was pretty iffy there for a while, and i was thankful that nobody wanted to turn me upside down, but it might work. or they might drop her on her head, which would be very, very bad. she seemed to be quite calm about the whole thing, really.

anyway, the dancing was a lot of fun, and we’re going to dance more tomorrow night - we’re going to finish the can of beans, and we’re going to learn a can-can. a rousing way to end the week.

whew.

my personal goal for tomorrow is not to lose anything. i had some kind of bites on my arms, and B. (Beaumont) gave me some great anti-itch special cream, and i’ve already lost it. it made me very crazy for a while, because he JUST GAVE IT TO ME, and i thought it was in my purse. maybe somebody stole it during rehearsal. no, i’m sure that didn’t happen. maybe i accidentally threw it away? maybe it fell in my car somewhere. i’m always losing lip liners in my car; they’re always the first things to fall out of my purse. i keep buying more of them, and now i have plenty of lip liners, plus there’s always at least one lurking somewhere under a seat in the car.

i also lost an earring, actually two different earrings today, but i found them. i noticed that i’d somehow managed to put the TV remote in the bag that i carry around with me; is it any wonder that i lose things all the time, if i’m also randomly putting things that should only be AT HOME into a bag and carrying it about? i somehow managed to get the remote home safely, thank goodness. I can’t tell you where it might be at this particular moment, but i know it’s in the house somewhere, plus i haven’t been watching TV lately anyway, so it’s not that important.

the itch cream, however, that’s a different story. i got home and thought maybe i’d have another tube of it somewhere. i found a veritable pharmacy in my bathroom drawer. a cornucopia of drugs of all descriptions. i have many, many kinds of pills of all colors, and i bet that if i have some kind of pain, i could self-medicate myself with no problem. except for the itching; i have plenty of pills, but no creams. face cream. hand cream. eye cream. lots of creams like that, too many in fact, but no anti-itch cream.

i’d go out right now and look in the car again, except i was going to be ASLEEP twenty minutes ago, so i need to do that now. and maybe the itching will cure itself overnight anyway.

ok then,

grace who should have been asleep DAYS ago.

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thursday, still all about CAKE [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:59 am
Last night at rehearsal, somebody brought in not one but TWO cakes, for somebody’s birthday. i really had no choice, then, but to have yet another piece of chocolate cake.

two pieces of chocolate cake in one day.

on one hand, NIRVANA, yes.

on the other hand, at the rate i’m going, i will weigh at the very least FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS, probably by tomorrow.

perhaps i won’t have any cake at all today. just to take a break from the nonstop cake-eating. as well as to stave off the hundreds of pounds weight gain.

ok, since i’m attempting to be more revealing of things here, i’ll confess this to you - i actually had two and a HALF pieces of cake. because last night at rehearsal, erica didn’t have a piece of cake. neither did deb or bev, for that mater, so i felt obliged to have another half piece, in order to make up for all of them rudely not eating any of the delicious celebratory cake which leona went to all the trouble to bring for her husband, dave.

four hundred pounds. i think i gained at least a hundred last night as i slept.

rehearsal went OK; we blocked all of Act 2. My french accent is coming along nicely, thank you. afterwards i went to randy’s and we had some wine and he beat me at boggle, but only by two measly points. but when he wins, he gets all crazy and power-obsessed, and starts declaring he’s going to beat everybody. i told him there’s no chance to beat christine, but he maintains he’s going to get her really drunk and defeat her. not gonna happen. then he said he’s sure to beat B. (Benjamin), and i said, well, maybe, since B. hasn’t played in a while. soon we will have a grand boggle showdown, which will be quite exciting and action-packed.

ok, i must WORK WORK WORK now,

grace not eating any cake at all today, i promise. unless somebody offers me some, but what are the odds of that happening?


May. 18, 2005

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one quick thing on wednesday morning... [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:15 am
i’m sitting here at the hospital, stopped by this computer to check my e-mail before massaging people. there are always senior volunteers working at this particular spot, and this one very sweet woman always asks me if i want a piece of cake. she’s here every wednesdy, and i always say no (morning grace would NEVER EVER eat cake!!!).

but this morning, i said yes. it made me good to make her feel good that i wanted it. i couldn’t resist because it was CHOCOLATE cake. plus, my birthday is coming right up, so i decided that i’m allowed chocolate cake in the morning, during my own private pre-birthday celebrating.

also, my desire for chocolate cake has been heightened because this one girl in the play, shannon, keeps talking about chocolate cake. i mean, EVERY NIGHT, she randomly talks about having had a piece of chocolate cake. she said it’s not just any chocolate cake, but the BEST CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER. she got it at O'Charley’s. it made me want to leave rehearsal right then and get some, but i didn’t.

shannon doesn’t weight 400 pounds, by the way, she has a great figure. so the chocolate cake isn’t hurting her any! plus she gets so much joy in eating it...

so i must have some of that, and soon.

and in the meantime, i’m offered chocolate cake right here.

so life is pretty good right now.

ok then,

grace quite satisfied for 45 minutes at least this morning.


May. 17, 2005

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tuesday night [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:47 pm
such a very busy day, today. i finally sat down and took some photos. i wish you could have been there; the weather was perfect.

this was my view from where i was sitting. over on that chair, that’s where i was, mostly, with my journal, my beverage, my phone:



i like being outside so much, because there’s all that nature everywhere. here are some vibrant irises (are they irises? i think that’s what they are. when i was little, i assumed that i’d just know the names of flowers and trees and plants of all kinds, like dad does):



i saw this family of geese, which is what initially made me sprint up the hill to fetch my camera. by the time i got back, they were kind of far away, but i think you can make them out.



nature. everywhere.

rehearsal tonight - oh boy. kate arrives tomorrow night, and hopefully that will mark the beginning of MANY THINGS HAPPENING.

i’ve been memorizing my lines as i drive around. it’s fun to do the french accent as i drive. my favorite line is “i want to stay true to you.” but with the accent, the “true to you” part always makes me laugh, i can’t explain why, you’ll have to come see it.

have you gotten your “wicked” tickets yet? and another one for me? when i haven’t been working on my lines (i only have a handful), i’ve been listening to the wicked soundtrack. especially the song “defy gravity,” which is my favorite. Randy got me a t-shirt that says “popular on it;” it’s a very funny song that glinda sings. but really, i’d love to have a “defy gravity” t-shirt. i read a bunch of articles about the show that Gil brought to me. one of them talked about how teenage girls and young women really love the show, because it’s empowering, and the Wicked Witch is such a great role model.

that’s exactly how i feel. defy gravity. I’d like to do that, someday. is it just a coincidence that the most frequent dream i have is of flying?

clearly, clearly, i WILL become the wicked witch of the west.

someday.

next lifetime?

no, i’m not going to focus on thinking about other lifetimes, i’m going to think about this one right now. since i’m already right in the middle of it.

i didn’t make any progress today on thinking about a career i could retire from.

i did go swimming, though. so that’s something.

and that’s the reason i’m so very tired right now, and am DEFINITELY going to go to bed early.

here’s one more photo, i’d like to be out on a sailboat:



ok then,

grace very tired.


May. 16, 2005

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monday night [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:48 pm
what a fine monday it was, despite the fact that i was awake for what seemed like most of last night. around 5:30 a.m., i realized i was finally dreaming, very weird dreams that i can’t remember anything about now, but at least i was asleep, finally. the realization, of course, came at the point when i was suddenly awake again, but i got plenty of sleep.

i didn’t exercise at all today, but that’s ok. a certain B. (Bradfordton) quizzed me about the last time i’ve taken a break from working out. i realized i’ve been doing something vigorous every day since may 4th. today was a perfect day for a break.

we went on a picnic at lake sangchris. i haven’t been on many picnics in my life. not nearly enough, i realize. i need more picnics in my life. more picnics shouldn’t be difficult to achieve, should it? it was peaceful, tasty, warm and sunny, relaxing, invigorating, and nice.

i tried to throw pieces of bread at the geese swimming around in the water, but my throwing ability is, of course, pitiful, and they didn’t even deign to swim to the shore to retrieve the bread. their loss. B. (Brenton), naturally, could fling the bread way out into the water so the geese were eager to retrieve it.

we drove around and looked at the campgrounds. there were quite a few RVs set up, and people were just sitting around, hanging out. this looked very nice. i think i’m over my years-long aversion to RVs, which i acquired by living in one for a few months. that RV situation wasn’t really by choice, it just sort of happened (isn’t that the way everything goes in my life, though, just a bunch of random acts?), and i tired of it quickly.

but the idea of the RV is quite appealing now. for one thing, you couldn’t have a lot of stuff in an RV. i’m all about getting rid of the stuff, of not getting any more stuff. plus, it all seems so mellow and good, the RV-lifestyle. is it too early for me to retire? damn, will i ever manage to have anything to retire FROM? must start working on that, first thing tomorrow morning.

actually, first thing tomorrow morning i’m going swimming. i’m going to try to swim faster, by swimming faster. i thought this up the last time i swam.

no WONDER i flunked swimming lessons.

also, no wonder why it takes me forever to accomplish things. i can think about something forever, it seems like, mulling some little thing around in my head for eons, not coming up with any kind of idea or plan, until finally, years later, something happens and i make some drastic change.

change is in the air, i know it.

anyway, it was a truly lovely day, except that mollie the dog tried to crush my legs on the way home. she spent the trip to the lake whining in the back, and i felt bad for her, because i know she felt i was usurping her rightful seat. so on the way back, she sat on my lap, even though she weighs about 40 pounds and she doesn’t lie down comfortably, she must forever be alert, digging her big paws into my legs. i tried to look on it as deep-tissue massage, and she made me realize that my quads still hurt from doing weights on friday, for goodness sake. Plus when the window was open she tried to basically hang her entire body out of it, and i worried that she’d fall out.

the rest of the day was also very lovely, let me just say that. quite lovely.

and then there was rehearsal. i’m feeling bad for grant, the cute choreographer, because i know it must be frustrating for him. he and the director don’t seem to have any of the same vision for things at all, and i can just see the cacophony in grant’s head, as the director will drop some major bomb on him, and grant is left wondering what he’s going to do. he’s managing to get through it with a great deal of aplomb, i think.

the women practiced the dance we learned on friday, and that went fine. we then sat around for quite a while, but it was highly entertaining to see the guys do a dance number. they’re singing and dancing, but at one point they really struggled with the steps, and to a man, they all quit singing altogether. very amusing. they’re not bad, really, considering they’re guys, and many seem fairly newly acquainted with their feet.

we were going to polka, but my love interest, played by Andy, isn’t dancing, he’s playing the banjo. this was something grant wasn’t aware of till tonight, one of those little things that i could see vexed him. he had to figure out all-new dance moves for other people. and me, i was sitting around for a while, watching others polka.

but finally, we did a big dance in a circle whereby we grabbed each other’s hands, moving around the circle. it was definitely a move that they do in country dancing, i believe. it was quite fun and worked out well, after practicing it for a while.

my favorite part was looking at the guys' various expressions of terror, exhaustion, and shock as they had to quickly dance their way around the circle. highly, highly entertaining, plus also fun to do.

hmm, less than four weeks till we open. i’m hoping we’ll eventually get around to blocking the actual scenes of the play. i have a couple of big clumps of lines, and have yet to say them. i don’t have a lot of motivation to memorize them yet, since i can’t imagine what the scenese will be like. eventually we’ll get around to it, i’m sure.

next week we move out to new salem to practice. that should be great. erica was complaining bitterly tonight (OK, she really doesn’t ever complain bitterly; she expresses concern in a very logical and practical tone of voice, due to her high IQ and the fact that she’s a teacher, filled with all kinds of good sense except that she rode her bike to rehearsal and has NO HELMET and NO LIGHT for her bike) that she wasn’t sitting out on her front porch. i assured her it would be very, very fun out at new salem. since we don’t do that much in the show, there will be all kinds of time to walk around the place.

there’s a campground there; perhaps we can mosey over there sometimes and make friends with the campers. and sit around the campfire and talk, and of course we could entertain them with a rousing rendition of “hand me down that can of beans.”

that’s the song we do the polka to - i guess i will never get that song out of my head.

have you got your tickets to the play yet, by the way? however much it costs, it’ll be worth it just to hear that song. it opens june 10th and runs two weekends. it’s a little drive out to new salem, but i think it’s a lovely, lovely drive.

all right already. it’s late again, and i trust that i WILL SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT, refreshed and rejeuvenated and ready to swim in the morning.

ok ok ok,

grace a little too happy on monday night, not good to be TOO happy because then i’m setting myself up for being sad/melancholy although that’s sort of a poor way to look at it, isn’t it? must fix attitude along with finding something to retire from, BRIGHT AND EARLY tomorrow morning.

---

4:27 a.m. sunday night [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:39 am
this does not bode well for the week ahead. i woke up at 3:43 and here i am now, wide awake. I should fold some laundry. i should make a list of...something. start a plan.

the thing about being awake in the middle of the night is that even though i feel that i really am wide awake, and could even tackle some math problems if there were some here before me (really easy ones anyway, and thank god there are no math problems anywhere around here), i don’t think i’m really as awake as i imagine. if i were to call somebody right now, i don’t think my voice would be a sharp as my mind, which appears to be quite alert, although this must be an illusion.

if i were to make a list right now, perhaps of goals and plans, i also think it would be just a little too negative. but maybe i should start contemplating next winter, my escape route. moving vs. taking a substantial vacation someplace warm.

it seems that a glass of wine would settle me down, but i don’t feel like a glass of wine.

when i was little, i used to sleep-walk. one night we had a babysitter, and she found me in the pantry. i appeared to be awake, but i was just wandering around the house, quite asleep. nothing like that ever happened to me when i was a babysitter.

i don’t walk in my sleep anymore; instead, i wake up.

doesn’t bode well. but it hasn’t even been an hour yet, maybe if i just turn off the light and try to think about nothing, i’ll fall asleep again.

i need a hobby. lots of time women are knitting or doing other stitching-type activities while they wait at the hospital. i don’t want to do something that involves lots of work with my hands, because my hands get enough of a workout giving massages. some non-hand-related hobby, but something like that, that i could take with me and work on wherever i go.

five more minutes to get back to sleep.

ok then,

grace not pleased at all with this start to the week.


May. 15, 2005

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the dreaded sunday night [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:59 pm
normally, i’m at a very low ebb right about now. for some reason, though, i’m not feeling too particularly wretched and horrible. at this one little moment anyway; this feeling could change without warning, i realize.

maybe it’s the fact that i have at least a couple of plans for the week that i’m looking foward to. plus i’m not in chicago where it is cold and windy and congested and everybody smokes. did i mention that? walking around, i felt like everybody was smoking. i thought that maybe it was just the smokers lurking in corners of buildings, workers who can’t smoke inside. but then i noticed that lots of people walking around were smoking. i thought, well, most people in spfld drive in their cars, they don’t walk, and so that’s why it felt like everybody was smoking.

but when i got back here, i’ve been around people outside a little bit - people do occasionally venture out of their cars here, at least every once in a while - and there’s not as much smoking here.

i’m printing out my latest flyer version of this column, wondering if anybody will bother to pick them up, wondering if there’s really a point to doing it. i don’t know if i mentioned the last time i took them around, or maybe it was the time before that - i was at the wienerdog, and this guy said to me, “oh, that’s your shameless self-promotion, isn’t it?” and he said it like three times at least, and i wanted to punch him. of course i’ve never punched anybody, i rarely even raise my voice, and i just looked at him and sort of smiled. he did take a copy of each flyer that was there, and said he liked reading it, but i was so pissed off that he kept telling me that i was a shameless self-promoter. after i left, i wished i’d told him that i’m doing this because i think people ENJOY it, and if he doesn’t want to read, THEN DON’T, and i wanted to yell at him, but of course that’s not my nature at all. oh well.

oh, now i remember what i wanted to say tonight - i want to BE the wicked witch of the west. if you saw the play, you’ll know what i’m talking about. because in “wicked,” the wicked W. of the W. isn’t bad, she’s wonderful and strong and fabulous, but misunderstood. brave and good and she has a wonderful voice and great songs and i want to BE her. maybe in my next lifetime.

i’ve been realizing that i’ve been focusing perhaps a little too much lately on who i’d like to be in my next lifetime. trying to avoid thoughts of THIS lifetime, not doing a good job AT ALL of focusing on the fact that THIS lifetime is going on RIGHT NOW and if i don’t pay more attention, i’ll miss out on the whole darn thing.

my friend gil said the book “wicked” wasn’t any good, and i’ve heard that from a couple of people, so i’m glad they managed to make such an incredible musical out of it.

it’s supposed to get down to 40 tonight, which i’m ignoring.

that is all for now.

ok then,

grace who isn’t the wicked witch of the west YET.

---

midnight confession [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:26 am
i know i’ve written this before, that although it’s called graceuncensored, it should really be grace CENSORED, because of the mountains of stuff i leave out. but if you ever want to know, you can just ask me.

but here’s one thing i’ll confess tonight - i got a really nice camcorder for christmas, and i’ve been really wanting to make some new videos and put them up here. but something has kept me from doing it, and time keeps marching on, as it does, and every day I want to do it, but at the same time there’s this thing holding me back...

when i got the camcorder, i shot some stuff and then, just for the fun of it, i edited it together, and enjoyed that because i like editing and haven’t done it in a while and it felt good to do it again. maybe it’s the circumstances surrounding the camera or something, i just can’t figure out why i can’t get myself to shoot another video. it’s like this general, unspecified malaise i have, which keeps me in this perpetual state of inertia. or maybe it’s the specific malady, i can’t say.

i’m hoping soon i’ll snap out of it and just do it again. i have been taking photos like crazy recently, and maybe that’s a first step. and i have ideas about things i’d like to shoot all the time, but i don’t write them down, so usually i don’t remember them. but new ones are always popping up.

i wish i was asleep right now.

ok, before i stop, here’s one more thing i’ll share with you - when i was writing for the paper, an agent or publicist or somebody sent me a book. it’s called “the big love,” by a woman named sarah dunn. i called the agent, and apparently the author had found me online somehow, and thought i’d enjoy the book and would write about it in my column and give her some free publicity. I meant to read it, but i only read a few pages and got distracted and it’s been sitting by my bedside for many, many months.

I picked it up a few days ago and started reading. now, if you know me, or you’ve been reading this entire thing and you at least think you know me, you will understand the irony of this. the book is about a woman who writes a weekly column for an alternative paper. her column is funny, and it’s pretty much just about her life, and whatever she has to say about stuff once a week. she manages to only have this one job, which i don’t quite understand.

she has a boyfriend, but he breaks up with her. she makes all kinds of observations about relationships and boyfriends and dating and all of that. and then she gets fired from the paper.

I kept reading, and i kept being surprised at her life, and how it sounded a lot like mine. i feel like finding sarah dunn online, and writing to her. at the end of the book, things are left up in the air, but the character is clearly going on to bigger and better things.

just the other day somebody told me he’d been fired a few times, and it was always for the best. i sort of like to hear things like that, but at the same time i think that things being shitty might be good for other people, and they grow and change and have all kinds of fabulous and better experiences because of the changes that take place, but i’m never convinced that will happen to me.

also, when i picked up the book to start reading, a postcard fell out. it was from somebody i’d just started seeing, and it was sweet and charming and signed “i adore you” and i thought...

but that’s enough for tonight. you get the idea. censor censor censor.

ok then,

grace finally going to sleep now.



May. 14, 2005

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saturday! [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:40 pm
today i met somebody who seems relatively free of issues and baggage. i realize this was probably an illusion, but it was refreshing nonetheless. he seemed like a cheerful, non-messed up person. like i said, my knowledge of people tells me this probably isn’t the story at all, but it’s nice to believe it, if even for an hour or two.

i was at a wedding party. the couple got married in january, and they had a lovely reception at the washington park pavillion. they love to scuba dive, and they played a video they’d shot of some of their trips. it looked amazing, but it’s not something i have a desire to try. i prefer an interest where i always know i won’t run out of air. and i won’t get eaten by a shark. the video was cool, though.

the bride passed around a little blank book, in which we were supposed to write something loving and profound. i usually panic when confronted with something like this. for one thing, my penmanship is so bad that sometimes i can’t even read it myself. i was afraid it’d look like a third grader had scrawled something.

the larger problem is that i can’t ever think of anything to say. also, the cynical part of me wants to write “i hope it lasts longer than most marriages.” or “good luck - you’ll need it.” but this couple does look like they’ll make it. but i guess most people look like that at the beginning, don’t they? but really, this couple does seem like they do belong together.

for a while, anyway.

no, really, i’m sure they’ll grow old together, happily ever after, etc. etc etc.

i flipped through the book, thinking maybe i’d copy what somebody else wrote. who’d know they were the first one to write it? i came to one that read “life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

the people i was sitting with oohed and aahed over the profundity and loveliness of this sentiment, and i gnashed my teeth, knowing i’d never think of anything that good. i scribbled something about how i was sure that they have all kinds of fun-filled and joyous times ahead of them, lots of adventures, stuff like that, blah blah blah. it was ok, and the penmanship was marginal. at least i didn’t have to scratch any of it out.

later, i came home and read the paper. the funnies, to be exact, the only part of the paper i don’t miss, even though i’m usually disappointed in the overall humor of the thing. the possibility, the hope of a little glimmer of funny-ness, that’s all i wish for.

i read the comic strip “pickles,” even though it usually isn’t funny. it’s about an old couple. here is what it said today: The old woman says to the old man, “Someone said, ”life is not measured by the number of breaths we take...but by the moments that take our breath away.'"

!

YES, THAT IS RIGHT. THE LOVELY WEDDING SENTIMENT WAS STOLEN FROM THE COMIC PAGE OF TODAY’S PAPER.

now, that was funny. i mean, maybe the wedding-sentiment writer just happened to write this exact same thing, maybe they didn’t read “pickles” today. but what are the odds of that?

the comic strip went on - after the old woman said that, the old man says, “I had one of those moments this morning.” the old woman says “you did?” and the old man says “Yes, and i’ve asked you before not to flush when i’m in the shower.”

this part was not included in the wedding greeting. maybe they should have included it, to add a little real-life co-habitation reality to the gushy sentiment.

the rest of the day was spent at mom and dad’s, working around the yard. well, others worked around the yard. here is amy, working hard:



jim decided to mow the entire yard with the push mower, instead of dad’s fancy riding mower. “it’s good exercise,” he said.



jim got lots of blisters on his hands, and says next time he’s going to have dad teach him how to ride the riding mower.

mom was going to put up her flamingos. she got them out, but they’re still in a pile in the yard. hopefully she will get them up soon, because the boaters need them as a point of reference. “meet me at the flamingos,” they say to each other. and “when is your mom going to put up her flamingos?” one of them asked me the other day. Soon, soon.



Dad did put up the lighted flamingos. one is facing the house, and two face the water.



amy and dad had a conference about she and jim building a house next door. my parents technically have two lots (a LOT of lawn to mow), and sometimes amy talks about building a house on it. you can see by the official robe she’s wearing that she’s getting pretty serious about the whole thing.



my job was to clean out the pontoon boat. i remember that last year i swept, i vacuumed, i scrubbed the boat down, it was sparkling clean. and about two days after we put it in the water, it was just as filthy as it was before i’d done anything.

this is what it looked like this afternoon:



this picture actually makes it look nicer than it really is. it’s pretty old, and there was a hole in it, but they got it fixed. except the hole fixer people didn’t see another, smaller hole in the pontoon, so hopefully we won’t sink. i did manage to sweep it out eventually, but i’m sure leaves are falling on it right this very minute, so it’ll look like i didn’t do anything.

true, i didn’t do much, but i did make the best pizza i’ve EVER baked, and that made everybody happy. plus chocolate cookies, ditto for the deliciousness. dad gets sad if there aren’t homemade chocolate chip cookies around.

whew, a busy day.

that is all for now. i hope your saturday was good.

ok then,

grace on saturday


May. 13, 2005

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p.s. [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:04 pm
GO SEE WICKED!

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more photos [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:03 pm
rehearsal went well tonight. we learned a dance! i guess it’s a very easy dance, but that’s ok. only three more dances to go, except one is the polka.

here are some more photos from chicago. this first one is the clock hanging outside the store where Dad bought Mom her wedding ring. Mom just told me that. she actually probably told me before, but i forgot. but now there’s a record of it, right here. it was called peacock jewelers. maybe. so that means that before they ran off to NYC, he must have proposed. mom says he did. he did it on the steps of some building at the U of I.



here’s another photo from the train - it’s when we rushed past the little town of towanda. i’d never heard of towanda.



past this town, somewhere in the country, we roared past a crossing, and there on the road was a woman jogging. she wore a jingle bell run long-sleeved t-shirt. one of the best things about being in races, besides the snacks at the end, is getting a t-shirt. except usually i’m not in the mood for a snack after running, and some of the shirts haven’t been so great. but the jingle bell run shirt is my favorite. i just thought it was funny that this woman was running down the road in the shirt. i didn’t have time to take a picture.


this is mom in front of that outdoor stage in millenium park. note her heavy down vest. why? because it was FREEZING.



here are a couple of photos of the theater where wicked was playing. have you ordered your tickets yet? i can’t think of ANY REASON AT ALL why you wouldn’t have already done this. YOU MUST NOT MISS IT.





and finally, here’s a photo inside marshall field’s, where i was sitting waiting for mom. the problem with shopping for me is that sometimes i go in a store and immediately get extremely tired. this was heightened by the fact that we’d been walking and walking all day, plus i got up in the morning and ran on the treadmill in the hotel for 40 minutes, even though the exercise room was in the basement.

anyway, i was extremely fatigued at this point, and i was sitting there looking at the sea of clothing which was everywhere, and here were these mannequins, and i sat there wishing i could be as thin and perfect-looking as the mannequins. not as pale, though, and i do find it convenient, generally, to have a head attached to my neck.



there are a couple more photos that i’ll probably put up here, but i’m saving a couple of them for the flyer. they feature me, looking mighty cold. because it was FREEZING.

i don’t want to live in chicago, that much i know. i don’t have a lot of definite ideas about life, but i’m getting new ones all the time, and not living in chicago is way up on the top of the list.

it’s late already. i must sleep. i hope your weekend is fun-filled and not crammed with annoying things that you feel you have to accomplish, for some reason. please keep in mind that you have no idea of what tomorrow may bring, so you’d better have some fun today.

and me, i’m going to attempt to practice what i preach.

always easier said than done.

ok ok ok, enough with the triteness and platitudes and all of that,

grace getting tireder and tireder by the second.

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friday, back from chicago [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 6:35 pm


i have to be at rehearsal in 23 minutes, but i just wanted to put up this one photo. maybe i’ll put up a few more when i get home tonight.

this was taken on the train home from chicago last evening.

let me just say that i love the train. i brought along all kinds of reading and writing material to keep me busy, but i spent most of my time looking out the window at the world speeding by.

i love the train.

some people love the train, some get bored with it.

i became fascinated with this image, which i attempted to capture - the girl in front of me was watching a DVD on her computer. it involved horses and cowboys, i think, and it was interesting to watch as the movie appeared in the window ahead of me. cowboys riding along in the movie, as the bare fields passed by. i took a lot of pictures, and none of them turned out that great, but i think you can get the idea with this one.

“wicked” is the best musical i’ve ever seen, i think. i keep trying to think of others i might have liked more, but i haven’t come up with anything so far. i want to see it again and again. i’d like to see it in new york, but i always wish for too much.

the run is allegedly going to be extended indefinitely in chicago, and it’s coming to the fox theater in st. louis in november, so i know there will be opportunities to see it again. a very good thing.

aside from that, chicago was entirely too cold.

it really made me think about whether i want to spend another winter in the midwest.

going up to chicago was like being in a time warp; suddenly it was winter all over again. the temperatures were in the 40’s, with the wind chill in the 30’s. it got slightly warmer, but only slightly.

i hate the cold.

ok, now i’m going to be late for rehearsal.

go see “wicked.” and if for some strange reason you DON’T love it, well, then i’m afraid there’s just no hope for you.

ok then,

grace glad to be here where it’s warm and humid.


May. 10, 2005

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tuesday, better than monday [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 6:19 pm
a very busy day, and i’m about to go to rehearsal, which i’m sure will be fun and very exciting, with much rousing singing of “hand me down that can of beans,” plus dancing.

did i tell you about the dancing so far? we learned how to polka, except i already know how to polka. i polka’d with gil, who was in “you can’t take it with you” with me, and he’s a very good polka-er. it was quite fun. my polka partner, andy, wasn’t there, so i don’t know if he can polka or not. erica assured me that he knows how; she said that he’s a MUSIC teacher, so therefore he knows how. i don’t know exactly why a music teacher is guaranteed to polka, but erica is in graduate school right now (even though she already HAS a master’s degree), so clearly, she knows much more about what’s going on than me.

we also practiced sashaying across the floor. just us women, that is, the fandangos, we’re called. there are two high school girls who are fandangos, and they weren’t able to master the sashay or the polka, but i’m sure they’ll get better.

tonight, perhaps we learn the can can. can’t say for sure.

and tomorrow, TOMORROW - mom and i are taking the train to chicago, to see “wicked.” very exciting. except that it’s supposed to be only 61 with STRONG STORMS tomorrow, not such a good thing. i’m bringing my umbrella.

we’re leaving at 6:30 a.m., and we won’t get back till thursday night, and hopefully we’ll have a lot of fun doing fun chicago things, but for me that would mean lots of walking around, but i don’t know about the strong storms...perhaps we’ll sit in the hotel room and watch tv, or we’ll find a nice bar and sit around and drink margaritas.

i have to pack now. lots of reading material for the train.

ok then,

grace who would like to travel a LOT more. this is one of my new goals in life. not really a new goal, but one that i’m going to try to actually put into action, instead of just wishing that it’ll happen.


May. 09, 2005

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yet another photo [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:04 pm



this is another photo from dad’s birthday last week. somebody who has a slow connection suggested that i put photos up with a lower resolution, so they don’t take 15 years to come up on the screen. so i’m trying that now.

nothing much to say tonight.

ok then,

grace who made it through yet another monday. somehow.

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blue monday [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:31 pm
i think they should just do away with monday altogether. monday makes me feel like there’s no point to life at all. all day, i’ve been trying to think of some kind of a point, but i haven’t been able to come up with one.

last night i really wanted to get up and write, but i couldn’t bring myself to actually turn on the light.

i was thinking about penguin divorce.

how humans are the only creatures who have all of this relationship stuff that can be much too complicated. for all other creatures on the earth, it’s all quite simple. either they mate for life, or they don’t.

penguins don’t get divorced.

that’s all i’m saying.

i was thinking about how easy it would be for an animal, relationship-wise. you’d always know exactly where you stand.

and then i decided that the problem lies in the fact that we humans know how to talk.

talking leads to complications and problems.

you don’t see badgers bickering.
or ants arguing.
squirrels squabbling.
fleas fighting.

it’s just us.

iguanas don’t have issues.

you can see why i was so anxious to get this off my chest last night.

i did have a nice weekend. i went to a cabin concert that my friends ann and joe had. you can read about them at the cabin concerts.

they’ve been doing them a couple of years now, and friday’s concert was the best one i’ve been to. too bad you missed it. stevens and mclain; stevens plays the harmonica, raymond mclain plays the banjo and the fiddle. i wasn’t looking forward to this concert as much as others, but it blew me away. they were both unbelievably good.

there won’t be any more cabin concerts till the fall, but mark it down on your calendar. turn to the first week of september, and write down “look up thecabinconcerts.com,” and then make a reservation. you’ll thank yourself in september.

mom and i played some music together on saturday afternoon. she played the flute and i played the violin. B. (Beauregard) wasn’t there to play the guitar, which is why we sucked.

Well, i sucked, anyway. Mom didn’t do so bad. the problem was that there was no guitar and singing to drown out my awful notes. plus the songs we were playing really cried out for the guitar. a couple of them weren’t perfectly awful, but the majority certainly were.

we had a lovely mother’s day celebration. a cook-out, and what a great day for it. amy was going to bring a pie, and she carried in a rhubarb pie in a box that said “rhubarb pie” on the top, with a price. i thought that was clever of her, writing that stuff so it looked more professional. jim had made a pound cake, and cleverly constructed a “sarah lee” wrapper that was IDENTICAL to a real sarah lee cake box.

we sat out on the deck for quite some time. we got Mom a Mother’s ring, with our names engraved on it and our birth stones. we hadn’t actually purchased it yet, because we didn’t know her ring size, but we printed out a nice copy from the computer, and amy assured me that she’s going to order it today.

amy insisted on grilling the burgers, even though she’s a vegetarian. perhaps she’s re-thinking the whole no-meat thing, or maybe she just wanted to be that close to the cooking meat.

dad bought mom the most spectacular gift- it’s a set of three lighted flamingos for the yard. they’re quite spectacular, and boats will now know the house as the one with the lighted flamingos.

ok, now i’m cheering myself up (marginally) by thinking of the lovely weekend. surely there will be at least one of them this summer? surely there will.

maybe even two.

ok then,

grace NOT going to nap because then there will be no chance of sleep tonight.

p.s. i wish i’d taken some pictures of our cookout last night. must remember to have the camera around next time.


May. 05, 2005

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THURSDAY afternoon [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:41 pm
now see how quickly the week goes by? at least it seems that way right now.

george winston was good. in his afternoon performance, he only played the guitar. the slack guitar, which started in hawaii in the 1800’s, i believe, and started with people tuning their guitars down. slacking the strings.

the music was beautiful and very very mellow. almost too mellow - i had to give two more hours of chair massages, and worried that i wouldn’t be able to stay awake. so after the concert, i had two glasses of strong iced tea. plus, they were playing the lively music during the massages, so i had plenty of energy.

george wore jeans, old brown shoes, and a long-sleeved green pullover with a jacket vest over it for the afternoon show. i wondered if he’d be more dressed up for the evening paying performance.

for that show, he took off his vest and wore darker shoes that looked sort of like slippers. he shuffled onto the stage and gave a few quick, jerky bows, which entranced me. clearly, he’s about the playing, not about the showmanship.

he did most of his numbers on a steinway grand, with a couple of guitar pieces thrown in, and one on the harmonica. highly entertaining. i bought two CDs. in addition to the mellow music, he played a few Doors songs, and a variety of interesting stuff. he’s done quite a few Vince Guaraldi pieces, and he played a couple of them.

I ran into a couple of people i hadn’t talked to in years during intermission, as well as a few who i seem to see everywhere i go.

a good time was had by all.

tonight at rehearsal we’re going to learn a can can. very exciting. i swam this morning, for only 20 minutes, and had triathlon flashbacks, feeling a couple of times like i was going to drown. but i perservered. the water was still a little murky. the waves seemed a little bit large, especially considering there were only three other people in the pool. they must have been big splashers.

i could have gone running this afternoon, but instead i went to lunch. outside, in the warm weather.

ok then,

grace as the weekend approaches.

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the flyer [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 7:49 am

this is the one i printed out and took around on tuesday:

Happy birthday Dad!

Today, May 3rd, is Dad’s birthday. We asked what he wanted to do for dinner, and he said “I’m not telling.” So, we’re meeting at Mom and Dad’s house at 6:30, for Dad’s surprise party that only he knows about.
This sums up my Dad; you never know what he’s going to do next.

Dad is the most creative person I’ve ever met. He and Mom met at the University of Illinois, in Art School, when they were both painting majors. Dad taught art at Jefferson Middle School for 12 years, but said after a while it became more like babysitting instead of teaching, so he quit. He’s done various things since then, including working for the phone company, and then starting Ruby Sled Antique Store, which my brother now runs.
But mostly, Dad is about all things creative. I’m sure he was a fabulous art teacher, and I wish I’d been able to sit in on one of his classes. He’s made jewelry, he paints, and he makes prints. Sometimes he’ll take an art class at Lincoln Land, just to have some studio space to work in. Mom recently talked him into joining the
Prairie Art Alliance, so he always has a painting hanging there. But Dad’s always been about the process of creation, not about the selling aspect of things.
It’s not just art pieces that he creates, either; he does everything in a creative way. When we were little, one year after a particularly heavy snowstorm, he helped us build a giant snow…chicken. Dad loves to cook, coming up with strange and unusual flavor combinations. He was in lots of shows at the Springfield Muni and the Theatre Centre, back when it was called The Theater Guild. He was in “George M,” playing the father, and had to learn to tap dance for the part. He mastered it. He was in “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” the last time they did it there, and I’ve always regretted living far away and missing his performance. There’s a picture of him in the show hanging on my parents’ wall, and you can tell he was a riot. In “The Most Happy Fella” at Muni, he played the goofy comic lead named Herman, and I love to hear the story about how, right before he had to go onstage and sing a song, he slammed his hand into a nail sticking out of a cart. He went on and did the number, full of his usual wit and comic energy, despite his excruciating puncture wound pain and gushing blood.
I convinced Dad to play a part in the movie I made, “Hope’s Happy Birthday.” He gave it his all, despite the fact that part of the time we shot in intensely humid 100-degree heat in Austin, TX. He played a crotchety grandpa, but Dad is anything but crotchety. He’s the most kindhearted, gentle and good-natured, easygoing human I know.
The only time you’d doubt me on this is at a restaurant. Dad, like lots of naturally thin people, loves to eat. I’m sure any wait staff who have encountered him firmly believe in the crotchety thing. Dad takes his time eating, savoring every bite, and inevitably an unsuspecting server will try to take his plate. DON’T TOUCH THAT! Dad will cry. He’s never actually threatened to stab anybody with his butter knife, but they quickly learn to let him eat in peace.
As long as you don’t try to take his food away from him, Dad is kindness personified.
And today is his birthday, so if you see him, please wish him well.

Besides Dad’s birthday, the other big thing in my life right now is completing my first-ever triathlon on Sunday May 1st. I say “first” triathlon, but that doesn’t mean there’ll be another one. The experience was actually not bad, at least thinking about it now. It was a little triathlon, the “Try the Tri” which took place at the Fit Club South. 150 yards of swimming, 5 miles biking, 1.25 mile run. This is nothing compared to other triathlons, which are more like a 600-yard swim, 28 mile bike, 5k run. Or even more, in some triathlons. Last year, after watching a certain MNB compete in one of these grueling events, I vowed I’d never, ever try that.
Never say never. This year, a fellow, let’s just call him…B…casually asked if I’d like to Try the Tri, since it was no big deal. I thought, well, since it’s swimming in the Fit Club pool instead of Lake Michigan…why not?
I trained - swam laps in the pool, and rode my bike, along with running, and felt pretty good about trying the tri. The night before the race, though, I was wide awake at 11:30, worrying about that swim. It was a general, unspecified swimming fear, maybe dating back to flunking swimming lessons when I was seven.
The swim was pretty bad. My problem was over-enthusiasm (I realize now that most of my problems in life are self-induced). I started swimming like a maniac, and by the second lap I was tired. The water, which had been smooth as glass when I practiced, was murky and more choppy than Lake Michigan, or maybe the ocean, with enormous waves created by the other zealous swimmers. I kept swallowing mouthfuls of water, and my goggles filled up.
By the end, I was barely able to drag myself out of the pool. I ran outside to the parking lot to pull on clothes for the bike ride, and it was very cold and windy. I didn’t want to take time to dry off, so I struggled into my long stretchy pants. I’m sure the officials standing around were highly amused by my hopping all around.
The bike ride was OK; at least I wasn’t swimming. On the way out, there was a strong headwind, but I decided I wasn’t going to kill myself, and coasted quite a few times. People passed me, but on the way back to the Fit Club, I managed to pass a few people myself.
Finally, the run. Normally I run from three to seven miles a day, so 1.25 should be nothing. But when I got off the bike, my legs were like jelly. I huffed and puffed and complained my way around the course. There were 95 participants, but by this time were very spread out, so I didn’t encounter many other runners. I passed a couple of women who had swooped past me on their bikes earlier. Ha! I had to stop and tie my shoe, which probably saved me, because even though I was gasping for breath, I didn’t want to stop. Fumbling for the shoestrings gave my legs a needed break.
B. stood at the sidelines, cheering me on, as I started running…he’d finished well before me. And there he was again at another part of the course, shouting “You’re almost there!”
“Easy for you to say,” I snarled. I kept running…and running…surely this was TEN miles, not one and a quarter. But then, finally, THE FINISH LINE! One final burst of energy, and I’d done it.
Whew.
We waited to hear the race results. B. came in ninth overall! He’s fast. He also came in second in his age category, and got a nice certificate that proved it. His age category is chock full of extremely competitive and fast fellows, so this was something.
And then they read off the winners in my age category. Third place, second place, and I was idly speculating how fast these women must have run…and then they announced…FIRST PLACE, GRACE SMITH.
B. kept saying he wished he’d had a camera to take a picture of my face. I was sure there must have been another Grace Smith. I WON???
There weren’t a lot of women in my age category, but B. said that doesn’t matter, the fact is I beat the others. I do have to admit it felt good. I’ve never won a physical competition; participating is a new concept for me.
On one hand, I feel there’s nowhere to go but down, because I can’t imagine I’ll come in first again in anything. But on the other hand, who’d have believed I’d ever come in first at all?
Never say never. I do have a sudden feeling that I can accomplish anything right now, which is a novelty. I Tried the Tri, and I won!

Ok then,

Grace soon to conquer the world so you’d better watch out.



May. 04, 2005

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wednesday afternoon [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 2:21 pm
i have a short break now from giving chair massages to nurses at the hospital. i was going to dash over to the lincoln museum gift shop and look around, but my feet protested loudly, so instead i’m just sitting. i get to see george winston give a short performance here in about 15 minutes. a free prelude to tonight’s show.

the massage chairs are set up in a big room filled with treats and nurse’s clothing. 20 feet away from me, they’re giving out free cake and ice cream. i know i’ve said it before, but it’s like a buffet of heroin for a heroin addict. i’ve resisted the chocolate cake thus far, even though it keeps yelling at me - GRACE! RIGHT OVER HERE! A FEW STEPS AWAY! not to mention the tantalizing whispers from the ice cream.

only two more hours of massaging/resisting. they’re playing music in the room - fast, fun music that makes me want to dance. i have to keep thinking MASSAGE SLOWLY AND DON’T DANCE AROUND. it’s fun to give massages to lively music for a change, but also challenging.

challenging, life is challenging. i’m ready for the SHEER FUN part of it. right now, please.

ok then,

grace always impatient plus further wound up from a large iced tea.


May. 03, 2005

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delayed endorphin rush [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:39 pm
first, let me say this - THIS IS FOR YOU, SANDRA LEE! because amy told me that you go to work and look forward to reading what i’ve written. amy acted like i should have already known this, but as i’ve written, the only people who i know read religiously are christine and jerri.

sandra is my AUNT sandra, the only aunt i have, and she’s funny and wonderful and fun. why don’t you come down for a visit soon, sandra lee? maybe when spring finally hits. it LOOKS like it’s summertime, but i wore TWO COATS today because i was pissed off at the cold.

anyway, my arm pain went away, i don’t know why, but i was so happy it did that i decided to run for an hour. i didn’t intend to run that long, but one foot followed the other, and suddenly an hour had passed. actually, it was that suddenly a half hour had passed, and i decided i’d better turn around and go back home. i passed the bears in the zoo, who were sleepng soundly despite some annoying youths who were hanging over their enclosure, yelling down at them. how would you like it if somebody did that to you when you were trying to sleep?

i then cleaned vigorously for an hour, and then gave one massage this afternoon. and for some reason, i was suddenly hit with this amazing feeling of happiness, the feeling that usually happens with the endorphin rush. i couldn’t for the life of me figure out why it suddenly happened a few hours after the actual endorphins releasing (is that what endorphins do, they release? like release dolphins into the wild? or whatever type of animal it is that one releases?). all i knew was that it felt great to feel so good.

perhaps this was also combined with the ongoing feeling of happiness at WINNING the triathlon.

so, tonight, dad’s surprise birthday dinner. i do have to say it was slightly anti-climactic. randy had hoped we’d be going to paris, france. instead we went to the Chesapeake seafood house. i had a fine meal, but i’m very sorry to report that dad’s meal wasn’t so great. i don’t know of many worse things than the birthday person, especially dad, getting a bad birthday meal.

somebody should always order for him in restaurants, i think. because he frequently orders the one thing that just isn’t good. he ordered a monster-collosal fried seafood platter. this included fried lobster, which of course doesn’t sound right at all.

sad for dad.

but the good thing is that we all sat at a big round table, so we could all talk to each other, instead of a long table where you can’t really converse with people at the other end. we had a lovely time, despite dad’s unfortunate food choice. at least there was plenty of bread, and more importantly, plenty of butter.

dad has a thing about butter. sort of a butter-addiction.

here’s a photo i took of him and shortie tonight:



we came home and had cake and ice cream and dad opened his gifts. here’s a photo of dad and shortie and the cake:



dad is inspecting a box of candy he got. note the three cans of easy cheese in the foreground. mom got him that. dad loves easy cheese as well as chocolate. i take after him in a lot of ways.



ok, one more photo for right now. this is the centerpiece on my parents' table. it’s very fabulous, i think. a strange and unusual antique.



ok, this is the VERY LAST PHOTO tonight - this is my brother, david, because i don’t think there are any photos of him here anywhere. he’s holding a candle that randy bought dad at the lincoln museum. randy says there are all kinds of wonderful things there, and i want to go to the giftshop pronto. maybe this week.



that is all for now. all this uploading takes a while, because i have the very very slow internet connection. someday, i’ll have a fast one. someday.

i’m going to post the flyer that i wrote and took around today, so you can read it if you can’t get a flyer. i was going to do that right now, but i’m too tired. tomorrow, maybe. although i’m very very busy tomorrow with thousands of massages, and tomorrow night i’m taking my parents to see george winston - that’s the gift i got for dad. i wanted to get him something intangible, because if you know my dad, you’ll know that he doesn’t need ANY MORE STUFF. not one more item of anything.

ok then,

grace quickly slipping into a sleepy state, soon to be horizontal here in bed where i type and i love being able to type right here in bed.

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happy birthday dad! [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:54 am
mom asked dad where he wanted to go for his birthday dinner, and he said “i’m not telling.” so we’re all showing up at their house at 6:30 and we’re going someplace that only dad knows about.

only dad would host his OWN surprise party.

my arm now feels fine as long as i don’t move it. typing is actually not so great for it, so i’ll stop here in a minute.

last night we rehearsed “hand me down that can of beans” yet again, and we sound darn good. well, actually, i couldn’t really hear the women singing, but there aren’t very many of us. but the men sound good.

and then i had to stick around for a few more minutes because i have a few lines in the middle of a song that the men sing. and you can tell they’ve been practicing, and they sound great. i’m working on my french accent.

thursday night we’re going to learn a can-can number. the choreographer, who is very cute and friendly, wanted to know what kind of dance background all of us women had. the high school girl who has never appeared in a play before said she had six months of ballet, i believe when she was little. i said i’d been in some dance shows a while ago.

i didn’t feel like explaining to him about my marvelous and intricate ballet work in “you can’t take it with you.” i figure that if he didn’t see it, there wouldn’t be words to adequately describe how majestic and riveting, plus moving and very graceful, my dancing was. i didn’t want to make him nervous. he’ll just have to find out what a great dancer i am by seeing me in action, a blur of finesse and shimmery elegance.

my friend kate, who is the assistant director, hasn’t been at rehearsals yet, because they’re just singing and dancing (i assume that’s what they’ve been doing, anyway). but next week we’re going to do more stuff, i hear, and so maybe we’ll both be there, which will be a good time.

andy, who plays my love interest in the show except we’re only together onstage for about three minutes, tops, said that they did some bottle-tossing last week. sounds slightly dangerous, and i’m relieved that i don’t have to take part in any tossing, or more importantly, catching, of bottles.

although now that i’ve WON a triathlon, of course i’m sure i’d suddenly have the ability to catch something hurled at me, without ducking/flinching/yelping.

that is all for now. please wish Dad a happy birthday if you see him out and about.

ok then,

grace who has already gotten through one entire day of the week.


May. 02, 2005

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monday night already [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:24 pm

triathlete #57

ta da! ok, the very exciting news about the triathlon - well, first let me say that tomorrow, May 3rd, is DAD’S BIRTHDAY, and i wrote about it for the flyer version of this column. they’re going to be at the cardologist, food fantasies, recycled records, wienerdog, and at other places where you’ll only see them if you know me personally, like the place where i do massage and my sister’s salon. i also wrote about the triathlon in even more depth, but i have to share this one bit of information with you -

but first, let me say this - it’s CALLED graceuncensored, but i’m finding it more and more ironic that it should frequently be called GRACE CENSORED. i feel like i say so much more here than i did when i was in a newspapaper, but still, it’s such a small fraction of the stuff that goes on in my head and in my life and in my heart, all the time. constant motion, and too much drama inside my brain. not necessary.

but censored it’ll have to be. just the way it is. because really, only christine has a pretty full viewing of all that’s inside my head, and she’s been through a lot in her own life, so she’s very tough, and can take it. as opposed to everybody else, whose heads would explode, which would be quite messy.

anyway, the BIG NEWS - in the triathlon, i WON FIRST PLACE in my age category! unbelievable, i know. COMPLETELY unbelievable. i still can’t believe it.

i do have to say there weren’t that many women in my age category. i’ve been told repeatedly that i shouldn’t mention this, but of course i can’t help it. but i’m still proud of myself, albeit shocked that this happened. perhaps the other women were missing some limbs, i don’t know.

there were 95 participants in the tri, and i came in 61, which was a little disappointing, despite that fact that i barely managed to stay afloat when swimming, and felt like i was slogging through much of the event. so B., formerly known as MNB, and that’s all i’m going to say about him, so if i mention “B.” in future writing, you’ll just have to know that that’s who i’m talking about, and if you don’t KEEP UP, well, i’m not going to help you out.

Anyway, B. and i were standing around waiting for the results. i was hoping he’d do well, i was figuring he would, because he’s been in some serious and hardcore triathlons already. He came in NINTH overall. yeah, 9th. very impressive. Plus the fact that he hadn’t even done much training at all the entire week before because of too much job stuff going on. but he came in 9th! AND he came in 2nd in his age category, which was highly impressive, because all the guys about his age are very competitive and rabid about competing and fast and lean and mean.

so when they were announcing my age/sex category, i was wondering how fast those women must have been, but then they said, “FIRST PLACE, GRACE SMITH.” B. kept saying he wished he’d had a camera to capture the look on my face. I don’t recall ever being as surprised by anything. i went up to get my certificate, still thinking, there MUST be another grace smith around here someplace.

i have to admit it gives me a slightly new perspective on life. this, plus the empowering workshop LAST sunday are making me feel more...empowered. for at least five minutes, anyway, until the reality of everything comes crashing back in at me...or at least my own warped view of reality starts working on my brain.

i just never knew i could beat ANYBODY in any athletic thing. i mean, really, if i was to play a game of kickball, i wouldn’t be any good. i might be able to kick the ball, but that’s about it. it wouldn’t be like softball, where i’d duck to avoid getting hit in the head, and theoretically it might be fun, but i’d still suck at it. and duck duck goose? the harsh reality - i’d always get caught, i’d be perpetually It.

But this, this MONUMENTOUS achievement of winning, has made me see things in a whole new light.

whew.

i have a very busy week ahead. i sort of injured my arm because of the severe thrashing about while swimming, but i have a heat pack on it now and took some motrin so hopefully i’ll get through my many massages without having to have it amputated. because that would slow me down CONSIDERABLY in my next triathlon.

i hope you had a good weekend. besides the triathlon and the unexpected hostess ding dong, mine consisted of eating and going to the symphony and eating some more and playing the violin (very badly) with mom and B, who played the flute and guitar and sounded much better than me. and also i saw “bye bye birdie” which was quite entertaining and fun. PLUS i was awarded a delicious bottle of red wine AND a (thankfully very small) box of chocolates because of my Great and Unprecedented Athletic Achievement.

I wish it was earlier now, so i could go to bed early, but i feel that there are still many things to do before i sleep.

ok then. i hope it’s not SNOWING where you are.

grace learning to deal with the pressure of all this athletic success.

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2:30 is my new 4:30 [ General ] -  grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 3:53 am
i think because i went to bed so very early last night, i woke up at 2:30 this morning instead of 4:30. It quickly got crowded here in bed, lying here with all my thoughts, so i figured i’d turn on the light and be productive.

i don’t know why i haven’t written here for a few days. i will say that my weekend was very good as well as busy.

one of the highlights was a hostess ding dong.

and really, what could be finer than getting a totally unexpected hostess ding dong? i can’t think of much.

i was going to write saturday night, because i was also up at 2:30, but then i willed myself to GO BACK TO SLEEP. i didn’t for a while, but at least my eyes were closed.

i was worried sat. night about the upcoming TRIATHLON. for some reason i was panicked about the swimming portion of the race.

i got up at 5:50 yesterday morning, in order to get to the race in a timely manner. let me just say that it’s very beautiful at that time of morning, and i hope to get up that early again sometime.

sometime.

not this morning.

oh yeah, so one of the things this weekend was the triathlon. which i completed. i didn’t drown during the swim, although it was a little touch and go there near the end. funny, the swim only took me four minutes, but that was a very long four minutes. the placid and clear fit club pool which i’d been swimming in for the past couple of weeks was more like swimming in the ocean. the water was cloudy, the waves were enormous, and of course i started out much faster than i should have and was ready to collapse and die about halfway through. plus, a chubby older guy was swimming right behind me, and at the beginning i’d assumed he wouldn’t catch me, but i could feel him close by, breathing down my neck (metaphorically of course).

i staggered out of the building after the swim and ran outside where it was COMPLETELY FREEZING, and not good to be dripping wet. i didn’t want to take the time to dry off, which made pulling on my long running pants quite challenging.

the bike ride wasn’t too terrible, except there was a strong wind on the ride out. coming back, i mostly coasted.

the run wasn’t too bad, but only because i’m not doing it right now. during the thing, i kept saying to myself SLOW DOWN FOR A WHILE, but i wasn’t listening to me at all.

after it was over, i didn’t feel so bad. i don’t feel bad right now, as a matter of fact, except i hope to be sleepy very soon again.

there’s much more to tell about the triathlon (i’m saving the MOST EXCITING PART for tomorrow), plus about my weekend which involved many other things as well, but i must stop right now and focus on sleep.

ok then,

grace soon to conquer the whole wide world

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