GRACE UNCENSORED

Mar. 31, 2005

midday thursday [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:04 pm
last night christine said it was snowing in denver; the grass was completely covered, and it was supposed to keep snowing till midnight. i shudder to think of it.

this morning i got up and went running, even though it seemed a little bit cold and windy, but once i got started, it was great.

except i’d like a nap right now. but instead, i’m going to have lunch, which should perk me right up.

i still long for the chocolate peanut butter ice cream cone. how is it that if you said to me, “let’s go right now, grace!” i’d be up for it, but then when i actually got to Baskin Robbins, i’d hem and haw, i’d hesitate, and i might end up making yet another lowfat and not completely satisfying ice cream selection?

i’m blonde, by the way. amy was in a huge hurry (the only time she’s not in a huge hurry is when she’s sleeping), and we didn’t have a long discussion about what i meant when i said i wanted to be “blonde blonde blonde.”

let’s just say it’s very blonde. i panicked a little about it, but i’ve already gotten some compliments on it (from people outside my immediate family), so i think i just need to BE CALM and get used to it.

BE CALM, BE CALM...

yesterday a woman was going on and on about all the stuff in her head making her crazy. i explained to her that we ALL have the crazy stuff in our heads, it’s just the way it is. i told her about meditating, but she, too, seems like the kind of person who only rests when they’re actually asleep. i felt she wouldn’t be able to sit still for even a minute. but at least i think i made her feel better, pointing out that we all create so much chaos in our heads.

ooohhhhmmm....

ok then, i must eat,

grace awfully busy this thursday

Mar. 30, 2005

wednesday! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:21 pm
i already got my last year’s belated birthday ice cream cone! man, that was fast. i’m going to ask for things on this website ALL THE TIME NOW, and maybe it’ll be like the genie in the bottle. ask and ye shall receive.

i’m still waiting for the trip on my birthday, but i figure that’ll take a slight more planning than the ice cream. plus, my birthday isn’t until two months from now. JAUNT TO THE BAHAMAS, by the way; i might as well think big. ask for BIG things, and ye shall receive them. also any other big things that anybody wants to give me, i’ll be very happy with that.

but i’m being very calm about everything my heart desires - one day at a time. and eventually, all good things will come. i can be incredibly patient, when not spinning out of control like a freaked out crazed lunatic.

i only got one scoop, by the way, because it was midday and i was still feeling Morning Grace-like and not in the mood to go BERSERK with the ice cream.

unfortunately, right now I’m in the mood for the ice cream craziness. BRING IT ON! Chocolate peanut butter, which i didn’t get because i felt it was too indulgent. lowfat jamoca with chocolate pieces. Silly Morning Grace.

So, i missed my window of opportunity. at least tomorrow morning, Morning Grace won’t be mad at me about over-indulging with the ice cream. but seriously, next time, something more rich and creamy. we ate the ice cream in the park, where it was warm and sunny and the ice cream kept melting like crazy and dripping down my arm, and all was good. many people were out, some with cute puppies and all kinds of dogs, everybody frolicking about all over the place.

Last night i went to the open house gala at the Abe Lincoln Museum. Phil said i MUST NOT REVIEW IT in any way, even though i don’t feel like i’m a member of the media, by any means. but SOMEBODY’S reading this website, i know.

so i won’t say anything. i am going to talk about it a tiny little bit in the paper version of this column, which is going to come out this friday, april 1st. but no reviewing! no way, jose!

all i’m saying now is - THE PLACE IS INCREDIBLE! that’s not reviewing, is it? no.

and there weren’t any snacks, by the way, but it didn’t even matter. think of that, a place SO SPECTACULAR that i didn’t even think about snacking while there.

i’m sitting here at my sister’s salon, waiting to get my hair done. this is almost as exciting as getting the ice cream cone; i’ve decided i need to be much more blonde. i was very blonde for years and years, and only recently i’ve been more of a redhead. actually, completely a redhead, sometimes with (very fashionable) blonde stripes.

but now that spring has sprung, blondes have more fun. i plan on having as much fun as possible starting right NOW (actually starting with the ice cream cone), and i figure blondness is the first logical step.

i’ve been talking to christine about how we as a society are conditioned to think we’re all entitled to lots of happiness, and that things should always get better, but really, there’s lots of suffering that you’re going to have in life, that’s just the way it is. there are good times, there are bad times, and a lot of it is about how you deal with the things that come your way.

i just have to say that right NOW, i’m planning on the happiness, regardless of any external forces, or even the weather.

although christine did say it’s supposed to SNOW in denver today, so i’m very happy to be here in spfld. where it’s warm and sunny and i got ice cream and am about to be blonde.

ok then,

grace giddy from many things including eating little chocolates while waiting to get my hair done

Mar. 29, 2005

tuesday morning [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:29 am
Zzzzzz...i woke up bright and early, 4:30 a.m. yesterday i ran around and exercised and gave massages and was certain i’d sleep through the night.

wrong. at least, though, i figured if i did happen to wake up at 4:30, i’d quickly fall back to sleep, because of the extreme tiredness.

wrong again.

so here i sit, bleary-eyed, wishing for a nap. but there’s going to be much busy-ness again today, plus the temperature is supposed to soar up into the 70’s, so i’ll have to be outside.

i’ve been sitting here in a public place, writing as i listen to some retired people talking. they’re discussing restaurants, and food, and one woman started her sentence, “that time i was taking the QE2 from Europe...” This quickly sent me into a decline; am i ever going to get the opportunity to sail on the QE2 either to or from Europe? It seems extremely unlikely at this time.

but then again, you never know.

she went on, though, to describe the fanciest, most elegant dessert she’d ever eaten in her life. Her waiter on the ship knew she loved chocolate, and one night served her a little bitty chocolate grand piano, filled with whipped something or other. she couldn’t believe how fancy and delicious it was.

ok. so this is a woman who clearly travels well, who’s been around, who’s sailed across the sea in the cushiest way possible. and this dessert she had on board, the most amazing thing she’s had IN HER LIFE...i’ve had it.

i described it in one of my gracetalks. i was served the exact same chocolate grand piano, at an ultra-deluxe wedding reception at the beverly wilshire hotel in beverly hills. the groom was the son of one of the heads of hewlett-packard, i can’t remember if it was hewlett or packard, just that it was the most elegant party i’d ever been to. the chocolate piano was lavish, but at the time, the whole spectacle was so over the top that the piano was just the...icing on the cake.

somehow, this made me feel a little better about my lot in life. i’ve been working really really hard on being more content with my lot in L, because i do know, deep down, that i really have almost nothing to complain about. but still, knowing that i’ve already achieved one woman’s idea of dessert perfection makes me feel even better.

incidentally, my ideal dessert (thus far - i’m certain i’ll run into even more tantalizing desserts in the years ahead) was something i ordered at the outdoor cafe at the museum of modern art in Los Angeles. it was a moist little perfect chocolate cake that had a gooey delicious hazelnut chocolate filling inside. kind of like having a warm chocolate Nutella truffle inside the cake. i was there having lunch with christine, on her lunch hour, and i ordered the dessert impetuously because i usually don’t do anything that rash, at least not at lunchtime.

the chocolate cake beat the chocolate piano, because the piano was really about spectacle, and for me, it was all part of the spectacle of the wedding reception. but the cake was an unexpected delight, and an unexpected delight is always an...unexpected delight.

i’ve been sitting here deleting hidden comments on my postings. one of them, from may 24th of last year, had 176 hidden comments from evil gambling places and worse. we eliminated the comment problem by eliminating readers' abilities to post comments, but somehow the infiltrators are still able to post them on earlier entries.

but here’s a comment i uncovered this morning while deleting, part of the may 24th listing:

“Happy Belated Birthday Grace! Sorry I missed it. However, I would like to treat you to a scoop of B-R ice cream at your convenience, as a belated BD-treat.”

i’d written about how people should get a scoop of ice cream for their birthday, as well as getting the day off of work.

now i add to that, everybody should get some kind of actual vacation destination if they want it. a short trip to chicago, a jaunt to the bahamas, something like that.

more importantly, though, i do believe that the poster of that comment FORGOT to give me my free scoop of ice cream last year! so, if you remember writing that comment to me, i’m ready for my ice cream. two scoops, since it’s so very belated.

ok then,

morning grace with more of a late-afternoon/early evening grace mentality

Mar. 27, 2005

all the chocolate in the world [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:10 pm
that’s how much chocolate candy i got today. Mom put a chocolate egg at everyone’s place at the dinner table, and i ate mine during the meal. plus i got a gigantic basket stuffed with chocolate from randy. more than i ever dreamed i’d get. as i said to my friend ann today, it’s like giving a heroin addict a big bag of heroin. i ate plenty today, but then NO MORE!

i forgot to mention the very exciting Illini basketball game friday night. maybe you watched it. maybe EVERYBODY watched it. probably everybody watched it.

i may have mentioned that i never watch sports. i had one boyfriend who was kind of into football, and i got somewhat interested in watching a football game on tv now and then, but that’s it for the sports. I graduated from the U of Illinois in Champaign, so that should be further reason why i’d be interested in this INCREDIBLE STUPENDOUS team.

but i haven’t been. up till now.

friday night, though, i watched the last 12 minutes or so of the second half. i quickly got RIVETED. this is fairly unprecedented. it was rather scary, because they were so far behind, and it was discouraging, because they suddenly had about four minutes and they had to make so many points, like 12 or something, and i figured it was all over. the chief problem seemed to be that they just couldn’t make a basket. and then the other team would dribble the ball back to their side and they kept making more baskets, and all looked very, very bleak.

but then, amazing things happened. they were really astounding.

you have to understand how interesting this is to me, because i NEVER EVER WATCH SPORTS. but i was suddenly excited by it all, and was so excited because they tied the score! and then, somehow, they managed to win the game. i kept thinking, “is this real here, or is this some fake thing, some movie of a dramatic basketball game?”

riveting. life-changing, almost. i plan on watching next saturday, when i understand they’ll be in the final four. it seems that they should win all the games that they have to win (four, i’d guess? but i have no idea), since they’re number one in the NATION. but, you never know.

you never know.

this doesn’t mean, by the way, that i’m going to start watching a bunch of sports. and maybe i’ll suddenly find something more captivating to do next saturday, and i’ll forget about watching, and that 12 minutes of the dramatic basketball game is all i’ll ever see.

but maybe not. you never know.

whew, i’m tired. i have many, many more things to say, but i’ve run out of energy in my fingers tonight.

warm and sunny this week. i’m gonna run outside, a whole lot.

ok then,

grace caught up in illini fever for the moment at least.

easter bonnets [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:22 pm
i really would dress up in a fancy easter dress/hose/shoes/hat, if i had any excuse to. because it’s fun to get dressed up.

but i’m perfectly content to stay in my sweats today. we’re having a family dinner tonight, and my contribution is a traditional easter flan. plus devilled eggs.

i, sadly, didn’t get nearly enough sleep last night, so i was sluggish in my flan-preparation. luckily, there’s not much to it. many eggs were involved.

not being raised with any kind of religion at all, easter for me has meant dyeing eggs plus easter candy. this year, nobody has an excuse to buy any candy, but i know that randy went to pease’s candy store downtown yesterday, and he told me he got stuff for mom and dad and amy, so i’m SURE to get some chocolate before the day is through.

it’s cold and windy outside, although the sun is out, which is something to be thankful for. i believe the last time it was out was a couple of weeks ago. and it’s going to get so warm so soon, and then i will be outside every chance i get.

we’re having dinner in 40 minutes. maybe i have time for a quick nap.

ok then,

grace feeling peaceful but really just tired on easter sunday

finally, so LATE on saturday night... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 2:04 am
what did the pilgrims do? is my question. when they went out dancing in a very very smoky bar, they didn’t have a shower to come home to, did they?

i’m just wondering. the pilgrims. sleeping with their hair smelling like smoke. not pleasant.

i did, indeed, go dancing, and it was SO MUCH FUN. i love to dance. it’s been way too long since i’ve done it.

the only problem was that i was wearing a stretchy skirt i bought not that long ago, and it has an elastic waistband, and i’ve lost a little weight since i bought it and it kept sliding down.

most of the men (all of them?) in the bar wouldn’t have cared if it had fallen off, but i felt a little self-conscious about it.

randy was worried that nobody else would be dancing, because he didn’t want to stand out. but finally a good song came on (i can’t tell if it’s a good song or not, but he always seems to know), so we danced, even though there were only a couple other people on the dance floor.

and so, mr. “i don’t want anybody to notice me” asked me if i’d like to dance together or separately, and i said i didn’t care, and all of a sudden he was twirling me around and around, and we were dancing just like fred and ginger, and i thought, “is this being inconspicuous?” i didn’t care; like i said, nobody would have cared if all my clothes fell off at any point. it was just SO MUCH FUN, the dancing.

there was a girl there who seemed to be a stripper. she had long blonde hair, lots of makeup, and wore a tiny little midriff top with little straps wrapping around her exposed stomach, and very lowrider pants. randy claimed that “that’s how people dress,” but i think only strippers dress like that. but on the other hand, if she WAS a stripper, wouldn’t she be out stripping, instead of dancing?

randy suggested that she could actually be a man, but i don’t think she was a man. she looked like a woman. a stripper. sometimes when she danced she was a little out of control, and i tried to keep a safe distance so she wouldn’t run into me.

it was, indeed, very smoky, so i had to take a shower when i got home. what did people do before showers? i guess i could have taken a bath, but it seems that would have taken such a long time, all the filling of the tub and everything. it’s very nice to be clean and not reeking of smoke.

whew, i’m tired. it’s way way WAY past my bedtime, and i’ll have to sleep til at least 10 to get my eight hours. i sincerely doubt this will be possible. but you never know.

easter, it’s here already. it’s pretty much a non-holiday for me. i did buy another Cadbury Creme Egg today; i realized it was only the second one i’ve eaten this entire holiday season, which i believe started the day after valentine’s day. are there any chocolate candy holidays looming on the horizon? memorial day isn’t big on holiday chocolates, nor is the 4th of july. really, when you think about it, there’s nothing till HALLOWEEN, which is unimaginably far away.

but that’s ok by me, because many people have been assuring me that SPRING IS HAPPENING THIS WEEK. it’s going to be in the HIGH 60’S in just a couple of days. which means i’ll be able to quit wearing my winter coats, and life will indeed be darn close to perfect.

whew, i’m tired.

ok then,

grace wishing you a happy easter and a lovely church-easter bonnet-chocolate egg day.

Mar. 26, 2005

6:08 saturday evening [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 6:23 pm
what a strange day its been. i haven’t gotten much done, but i don’t care. i did, indeed, exercise like crazy at the fit club, and i went home and took a nap! so I’m very, very well-rested now (but why do i still feel a little tired? maybe it’s TWO nap day). and yes, Morning Grace has departed, thank goodness. all that exercise flooded my body, washing her away till tomorrow.

this morning, before i wrote here, i sent somebody a sort of snarly e-mail. i don’t know why i did it, i shouldn’t have done it, i should have waited till i’d had a chance to at least wake up fully. but no, i had THINGS TO SAY, and i felt that i NEEDED TO SAY THEM RIGHT AWAY. Morning Grace, unchecked and out of control. sorry for that e-mail.

this is how i can be. i’ve generally been pretty good at keeping both graces in line, not letting either one send whatever thing i feel i have to SAY RIGHT NOW. if i can just wait a few hours, or even an entire DAY (which usually takes every last drop of willpower in my entire being), then i either don’t send the e-mail or i modify it and make it more rational, less nutty, either with anger/sadness/ or exhuberance.

right now i’m feeling pretty calm about every single thing. attempting in a zenlike way to be in the now, as opposed to the yesterday, even though it was a mighty good friday, and I’m not worrying about tomorrow.

Nighttime Grace has yet to appear.

my plan is to go out dancing with Randy tonight, possibly staying up very very late. i worry i might not be able to stay awake long enough to actually go out, that’s why another nap might be in order. i do have a cute dress picked out, which gives me a little motivation to actually do it. i look forward to dancing, because it’s been ages since i’ve done it. And Randy’s a really good dancer, and loves it as much as i do, maybe even more.

the only bad thing is i’ll come home smelling like smoke, and i might not get to bed till 1:30 or even later. but i’m not going to worry about that, i’m just going to go out and have fun.

ok then,

early evening grace, where things are mellow inside my head.

saturday morning grace [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:03 am
first, let me note that my last missive, written on march 24th, was exactly TWO MONTHS before my birthday, so you still have lots of time to buy me lovely gifts.

ok, anyway, i’m still actually in bed this morning, and i want to talk briefly about my split personality. you might have noticed that the last thing i wrote, very late at night, was pretty cheerful and happy and funny, because that’s how i get as the day progresses, usually.

that was Nighttime Grace.

but right now, Morning Grace. not the same person at all. well, i might look similar to NTG, but MG isn’t such a cheerful person. and actually, if you were to appear at my door right now, i would APPEAR to be more like NTG, but in my head it’s a whole different story.

Morning Grace - i’m all about the practicalness of like, and definitely, the outlook on things is fairly bleak. things are bad, and if i think about where they’re headed, they’re surely only going to get worse. this is why, in the morning, i try not to think about where things are headed at all. i just try to think about all the things i need to do, and i generally snarl at myself about all the stuff i didn’t get done yesterday.

and i’m very stern with myself, and i think about whatever thing it was i ate last night that i SHOULDN’T have. at least i didn’t eat something bad last night, so that’s one thing to not be crabby about. but still, there’s plenty of badness to think about.

Morning Grace, i can get a lot done, but i realize i’m not the best person to have inside my head. at least i’m very self-aware, and i know that if i can just tiptoe around myself (which involves many graceful moves), that by midday, things will start to look up as Morning Grace finally starts to march briskly out of the picture and Nighttime Grace starts stumbling and staggering into view.

I’m going to meditate right now, which will hopefully at least get MG to settle down a bit, and then i’ll exercise myself into at least a temporary state of endorphin rush good feeling, and since i slept late today, well then, lunchtime is right around the corner.

ok, too much lollygagging around here, i must GET BUSY. march march march.

morning grace with a vengeance

Mar. 24, 2005

the LAST TIME i’m writing on Thursday... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:13 pm
Damn, i wish i was in bed already, but i still have things to do. stuff to attend to.

firstly, so far everybody i’ve talked to has NOT been invited to the big gala premiere soiree at the lincoln library, so don’t feel bad if you weren’t, either. besides, as i said, there will be NO TREATS.

i just went to Meijer, where i bought TWO butters for the price of one, and some new massage sheets, and a new notebook for writing the journal. the one i bought last time lasted just ONE MONTH, because i’ve been writing up a storm, and i needed one with more pages.

the only problem i have with keeping a journal that i actually use a pen to write in is that it’s mostly illegible. i try so hard to write neatly, but i have very poor handwriting, and so sometimes i want to remember what i was thinking some time in the past, but i can’t make out any of it. i’d exclusively write on the computer, but it’s slightly large to carry around everywhere. but on the other hand, it IS a laptop, and i do drag it around sometimes, so maybe i should do that, write the journal on the computer (yeah, just THINK of all the writing i do, when i don’t even consider any of this the actual writing of most of the thoughts. now you see why meditation is such a great thing for me; any chance of slowing down the brain, stopping it from churning up so much stuff is really critical for my peace of mind), when this new notebook is full.

which will probably be next week.

the last time i went to meijer late at night was with Randy, who was re-doing his bathroom. we’d been drinking red wine, and i was a little drunk, and i said SURE, i’ll go to meijer! it seemed like a very good idea at the time. but once we actually got to the store i was overcome with incredible fatigue (which is why i usually stick to only one-two glasses of wine), and wanted to lie down on the floor and go to sleep. which i DIDN’T do, but i sure did complain bitterly the whole time we were there.

tonight, things were much more sedate. there were others in the store even though it was after 10 p.m. and in front of me checking out was this very big young woman, who i think was an employee. she was buying a bottle of starbucks coffee and a peanut butter cup. she had lots of piercings in her ears, and then i noticed that her chin, right under her lower lip, was also pierced. there was a big scary-looking pointy sharp stud thing sticking out. ouch. does this mean she HATES KISSING?

which would really be too bad, because kissing is a nice thing.

except if one of the people involved has a pointy sharp metal thing coming out of their chin.

that’s all i’m saying.

ok then,

grace who needs to GET TO SLEEP EARLIER!

HULLABALOO UPDATE! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 3:40 pm
I just got a missive from Phil, King of Lincolnworld.

It said “no snacks.”

so there you are, if you’re one of the chosen ones who got an invitation to the soiree (like getting a golden ticket from Willy Wonka, except no chocolate involved), you must eat before, or afterwards.

but i’m sure it will be nice anyway.

also, at lunch today i heard that there was an open house at the library for state employees recently, and also one for st. john’s hospital employees, and probably there were many more, too.

so, unless you’re not affiliated with ANYTHING, i expect that you shouldn’t be left out.

no citizen left behind! everybody gets to see the library for free ahead of time!

but no treats. be warned.

ok then,

grace updating you minute by minute.

p.s. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:23 pm
i understand that there was a preview at the library for veteran’s last week. i wonder if there was such a hullabaloo for them? angry veterans all over the place?

hullabaloo! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 12:22 pm
My goodness, i’m starting to think that everybody in springfield is MAD.

it’s all because of a little invitation that you may or may not have received in the mail.

first, Margaret got one. she called Mom to tell her about it. it’s an invitation to a special preview of the Abe Lincoln Presidential Library. it’s for “theater community members,” and it’s next week.

Mom didn’t get an invitation. She wasn’t happy that she didn’t. I said, maybe Margaret got one because of her connection to the SJ-R. Mom finally said she didn’t CARE about the invitation, anyway.

Early in the week, she and Dad got one. Whew. So did i. Crisis averted.

I then asked Randy if he’d gotten one.

Nope. WHY didn’t he get one??? Anger. Grrrr. Randy has done LOTS of theater!

Randy took matters into his own hands, and called P., the guy in charge of sending out the invitations. P. said he didn’t have Randy’s address, but that he WAS on the Very Important List. You have to be on the list to get in, because SECURITY IS VERY TIGHT. P. said initially he was allowed to send 100 or 150 invitations, then “they” said he could send out 200 MORE, and then, 200 MORE THAN THAT! so, 550 theater people?

I guess, then, that if you WEREN’T invited, you SHOULD BE MAD! because, clearly, everybody who is anybody, even those who are only marginally anybody, will be there. theater people, that is.

Anyway, Randy now assumes he’ll be on the list. he wondered if we could dress up - i could wear the fancy green skirt and pointy green high heels he gave me for xmas and i’m dying to wear. i don’t think it’ll be that fancy, i told him. i’m wondering if there will be snacks at the event, since they don’t seem to have found anybody to do any catering. maybe i should bring some treats with me, but they probably wouldn’t let them in, because of the searching and stuff they’ll be doing in order to thwart terrorists.

Margaret is very concerned about where people will park.

Randy called John to see if he’d been invited, and JOHN WASN’T INVITED EITHER! John, too, was VERY MAD. He’s a BIG theater guy, he’s going to have a lead this summer at muni, he’s a staunch supporter of theater in spfld, and his address is clearly listed in the phone book! plus, he’s a bona-fide member of the media! OUTRAGE! Then John said he didn’t care. Just like Mom.

whew, so at this point, i’m thinking that people all over town are PISSED OFF. if you read this and you, too, weren’t invited to the spectacle gala, well then, i guess you’ll be pissed off, too.

maybe i shouldn’t have even brought it up. i try to make people feel better in life, i don’t want to make everybody in springfield ANGRY all of a sudden.

instead of being mad, you could figure that you’re in fine company, that many, many people WEREN’T invited. try to let it go. think peaceful thoughts. breathe, in and out, slooowwwly...

try not to be mad. and try not to GLOAT if you did get invited. i’m pretty sure i was invited because I know that P. knows my address. no gloating here, though. i just want to see the place.

and the more important issue, really, is - will there be snacks?

ok then,

grace visualizing spring because that’s the only way to experience it since it clearly ISN’T COMING anytime soon.

Mar. 23, 2005

spring??? [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:44 am
where is it? yesterday i downgraded from my big green winter coat to my old leather jacket, figuring that it’s spring, it must be a little warmer.

i was cold ALL DAY LONG. and annoyed by the cold. not to mention the pounding rain; i had to drive on the highway a little in the rain and that made me very mad. before that i was at barnes-n-noble, and i had to slog through lots and lots of water to get inside. i took my umbrella since it was POURING, but then i had to carry it around with me in the store, and it kept dripping on me. i tried to think quiet thoughts (and i was looking for meditation books), but the feeling of annoyance wouldn’t leave.

not very calm and peaceful, i’m afraid.

i will say that the grass is suddenly starting to get green, a very good sign. but today i put the great big green winter coat back on, plus a sweater. i hate being cold.

wednesday already, the week is half over, almost. i have no easter plans; if i had an easter bonnet, i might wear it to church. but i feel that since i’ve been to three churches in the past couple of months, i need a little rest from them. i guess one didn’t really count since i was there by mistake, but i WAS there. enough to drink the kool-aid, if i’d wanted to. kool-aid, i’m sure it’s not kool-aid. but what would be holy enough to substitute for the blood of Christ, anyway? are they allowed to still use the wine? maybe so.

all right, i feel a lot of potentially (unintentionally) blasphemous things coming on, so i’d better stop now.

i will just say that when i first tried stand-up comedy, when i lived in LA, this was probably about eight years ago, maybe? i wrote about Jesus, wondering what happened to him during the teen years, since nobody ever talked about that, just jesus the baby in the swaddling clothes and then jesus the man who was good. i felt there was a lot of grey area, though.

enough already. stay warm, and in a few months, spring will arrive.

ok then,

grace still searching

Mar. 22, 2005

Dog Gone [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 8:04 pm

shadow!

Shadow!

Nubi & Noodle

My sister Amy and her husband Jim have three dogs - Shadow, Noodle, and Nubi. Shadow is about 12 years old, a cute little black Pomeranian (IS he a pomeranian? I know it starts with a “P.”). he’s very friendly and loveable and good. Noodle and Nubi are a beagle and an Italian greyhound, both young and energetic and not so bright. Good-natured, but they’d chew the house down if left to their own devices. i previously wrote about them destroying anything and everything in their paths.

Before Noodle and Nubi, there was Shadow and Beleu, a black lab (a lab? are you sure? i think so), who was named after the bear in Jungle Book. Beleu passed away a few years ago, and then it was just Shadow, who was lonely without Beleu. Hence the arrival of Noodle and Nubi. But the two younger dogs are slightly insane, as i’ve mentioned, and they spend lots of time trying (very good-naturedly, of course) trying to kill each other. Shadow steers clear, spending his time being petted and loved and spoiled by amy and jim.

When i’ve dog-sitted (dog-sat?) for them, i’ve managed to attend to keeping the animals accounted for (there are also a few cats). my strategy was to ply all animals with many treats.

anyway, on sunday jim called. shadow was MISSING. he’d dug a hole under the fence and disappeared. he’d been gone two hours. Everybody started combing the neighborhoods, looking for him. No Shadow. things looked bleak. i’d spent the day making a bunch of mexican food; the family was going to assemble at mom-n-dad’s, and we were going to eat, then play a new game. The plans weren’t called off, but amy and jim didn’t come over, so there was a definite pall over the party.

Monday, amy called. she’d seen an animal control truck near her house, and she followed it. it was roaring around town, and sped into the sherwood subdivision. amy was finally able to flag it down, and asked if they’d picked up Shadow. Nope, but they had a report of a little black dog in the neighborhood, running loose. amy knew, IT MUST BE SHADOW! she called me, she called dad, and soon were were out in our cars, creeping around Sherwood, yelling SHADOW! SHADOW! at the top of our lungs. every once in a while i’d see amy up ahead of me, turning a corner.

i couldn’t find shadow. i stopped a woman out walking a dog, and she hadn’t seen him, but she wanted a card so she could call me if she did. as i dug around in my purse, my phone rang. THEY FOUND SHADOW! i thanked the woman.

But Shadow wasn’t in sherwood after all. it would have been quite a hike if he’d been there, and he’d have had to cross too many busy streets. jim had called the Animal Protective League, who called him back an hour later - a woman living right down the block had found him, probably very soon after he’d made his escape.

he was running around in a church parking lot (like me, he gets confused at church), and she brought him home and put him on a leash in the back yard, hoping somebody would claim him. meanwhile, the family was combing outlying areas.

shadow BROKE FREE from the yard, because he is a sweet but very, very stubborn little fellow, and the woman had to chase him down the block to retrieve him. she must have taken him inside at that point. she had a dog of her own, and a few cats, and all the animals got along fine.

shadow slept in her bed with her.

and on monday morning, he was returned safe and sound. i pulled into amy and jim’s house just as they’d picked him up, and they all scampered down the street towards home. it was a mighty fine start to the week.

i guess the lesson is that that which you seek is probably in your own back yard. or at least in a neighbor’s back yard.

here’s my Zen quote for the day: “There is never anything but the present, and if one cannot live there, one cannot live anywhere.” i can’t be a Buddhist monk after all, because i’d have to shave my head and they don’t allow women anyway and i’d have to go to tibet or somewhere. but that’s not going to stop me from becoming PLENTY enlightened, let me tell you.

ok then.

grace becoming more enlightened by the minute.

Mar. 20, 2005

good morning, and WELCOME TO SPRING! [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:49 am
it’s official, so let’s hope it’s WARM AND SUNNY today. i’m going to go running outside, because i believe it will be.

here’s one thing i’ve forgotten to mention - does anybody out there have an idea of where i could put more of my graceuncensored flyers? a specific place, maybe you even HAVE a business where i could put them. some grace-friendly place. there has to be at least one other place in this town that would let me.

and one other thing related to that - before, i said to tell your friends without computers to go pick one of the flyers up. (flyers, there has to be a better word than that. but it’s not a newsletter, it’s a...grace document. it’s a...column. just the one column, out there on its own).

but anyway, i think YOU should also go pick one up, because i’m going to write different things than i write here, so in order to not miss EVEN ONE WORD, you’ll need to get a paper column. except this first one does discuss some things i’ve talked about here, but in a different way.

if you live somewhere else, well, i guess you’ll just have to come visit me.

i was invited to a singles church thing, but it started 15 minutes ago. the idea of a singles church thing doesn’t sound quite right for me, grace smith, but i’d probably be willing to give it a try, at least the one time. the person who e-mailed me about it was VERY VERY SPECIFIC about how to get there, because of course they believe that i’m a CRETIN when it comes to finding my way around. but believe me, i’m paying MUCH MORE ATTENTION now. reading signs and stuff.

i got a bunch of books at the library about people’s travel experiences. last night i started reading one about a family that lives on a greek island for years. that sounds very appealing. perhaps i could find a meditation school on a greek island?

ok then,

grace in a state of flux

Mar. 19, 2005

Ooohhhhhmmmmmmm… [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:50 pm
I’ve decided to become a Buddhist monk. Is there a school for that? Somewhere in Central Illinois? I wonder what the requirements are for getting in, and how much it costs. Can you get a student loan? Could I be a graduate assistant, or the equivalent thereof? I wouldn’t have to travel to some remote country, would I? Not that I’d ever turn down any chance to go anywhere, but at the moment I’m saving up my money to walk across England.

I started meditating a couple of weeks ago, because I kept reading about it all over the place. Lots of magazine articles everywhere, listing all the fabulous benefits of regular meditation. Peace. Serenity. The ability to see things more clearly. It seemed to be calling to me.

Sign me up! I thought. So far my meditation practice is going pretty well; for some reason I do have an ability to just sit quietly. My mind is usually on warp-speed, and I’m actually able to noticeably slow it down by meditating. Sometimes I even feel calm and peaceful and relaxed when I’m through.

I told Mom about meditating, and she decided she’d take a class in it. I figured, why do I need a class, since it’s just about sitting and being peaceful? I was a little surprised that she went to the class, and then went returned the next week, because Mom is even more antsy than I am when it comes to sitting still. It has to be really compelling in order to get her to stay. Maybe that’s where I get my desire to FLEE all the time from. Mom. Makes sense.

But anyway, she went to two classes, and kept asking me if I wanted to go to one, and first I said, no way, but then I figured it might not be bad.

The teacher’s name is Bridget, and the class was, indeed, really good. When Mom said it lasted an hour and a half, I thought, how will I ever stand a class that lasts that long? But like I said, Mom would have left halfway through and never gone back if there wasn’t something to it.

Bridget talked about all kinds of interesting things. It started at nine o’clock this morning, and I was up very late last night, so I wasn’t very well-rested. Some of the things sort of floated over my head. I kept wishing I had my notebook so I could jot down notes, but then realized I’d probably be trying to jot down everything she said. A lot of it was that you have to take care of yourself, and listen to your body. One important thing is that you have to live in the present. You have to accept the good and the bad, all the things that happen to you, and you have to try to “leave the judge at the door.”

What a good idea. All I do is judge everything, mostly myself, and if I could get beyond this, that would be a very good thing.

Bridget also said that when meditating, you shouldn’t feel like you’re doing something wrong because your mind drifts. She said that an important aspect of the meditation practice is that you pull your mind back to concentrate on breathing. The drifting is naturally going to occur, but pulling it back trains you to let go.

One meditation exercise we did was eat a couple of raisins. We had to eat them really slowly, putting them up to our mouths, then slowly eating them, feeling what it tasted like, all the sensations that went with it. I know is sounds a little strange, but it was quite interesting. Lots of people talked about how delicious the raisin tasted; one woman said it evoked memories from when she was a child and loved eating them, but only got the little box so she ate them slowly, savoring each one.

See, that’s what it’s all about – savoring all the moments, being IN THE MOMENT. Instead of rushing through everything, not thinking. It’s kind of like the mindless TV-watching that most people do. Why are you doing it? To shut things out, to escape, because you’re bored? Turn off the TV. Find something else to occupy your mind. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, we were each given a handful of raisins, and the teacher said we could eat the rest of them. Mom shaped hers into a smiley face on her leg for a while, and then she threw them away. She said later that she doesn’t even like raisins, but the two she ate were delicious. But then she didn’t need any more of them.

After class, I decided I want to study meditation, and it seems the Buddhist monks are all about the meditation, so that’s what I want to do. My next path in this life that is ever-changing. I’m starting to realize that maybe my life’s path is a particularly complicated one, full of sudden complete shifts. That’s how it’s been up to now, anyway.

This afternoon, I went downtown to the Food Mart, because they were having an Easter open house, and it was chock-full of tasty snacks and wine samples. To get there, we had to walk past all kinds of people clad in quite hideous St. Patrick’s Day attire. Most were in their mid-20’s, although there were plenty of older people too, and all were quite drunk. I wondered how many of them ever meditated. Or thought at anything at all.

None of them were in the Food Mart; inside, was a peaceful and serene orgy of eating and drinking. With no whooping and no big dayglo green hats.

Tonight, just now, I finally, finally staggered home from “The Aviator,” which lasted for approximately three days. It wasn’t horrible, really, but I became quite sure it would never end. There were some good things in it, but too many things. On and on and on and on.

Whew. Quite a Saturday, all in all. New path in life, tasty snacks, movie that lasted forever. Plus other random things, including exercise, more meditation, and a (too short) nap.

Tomorrow will be more restful. Perhaps.

Ok then,

grace all over the place

Mar. 18, 2005

lunch with kurt-n-sam, and other things to report late on friday night [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:30 pm
Yesterday I had lunch at Imo’s Pizza with my friend Kurt and his son Sam, who is almost three. When Sam first sees me, he’s entirely too shy to say anything, and hides behind his dad’s legs, typical child behavior. He loosens up after a while, though, especially when I give him lots of bacon from my BLT.

I’d never been to Imo’s before and was in a BLT kind of mood. It was quite delicious, except they put approximately a pound of bacon on it, which I felt to be slightly excessive. Luckily, it was an excellent thing to give Sam, because he kept pouring salt and pepper onto the table, and then he decided to turn his milk upside-down. The bacon distracted him.

Bacon, an A+ Sam-pacifier, that’s what I learned today.

Sam got a kiddie pizza, which came with two huge goldfish-shaped cookies and some applesauce. Ben let Sam eat one of the cookies while waiting for the pizza to cool, which I thought was awfully nice of him. If I was a parent, I’d encourage eating dessert first, because what if a tornado comes up in the middle of the meal and you’d have to run for cover? No time to eat your dessert, so you might as well eat it first.

Sam didn’t want the applesauce, not AT ALL. I wondered how anybody could hate something as innocuous as applesauce, but Kurt said it’s because he’s stubborn. He said that Ben (Sam’s older brother) sometimes won’t eat food he loves because of the stubbornness.

Kurt did make a valiant attempt to convince Sam of the deliciousness of the applesauce, but Sam would have none of it. NO, he said, quite emphatically. Which was fine by us; Kurt ate the applesauce instead. He said he’s never been able to get the kids eat applesauce, even when he put blue food coloring in it. They like blue food. Because they’re children.

I said, wouldn’t it be funny if adults acted like children in regard to food? If, instead of quietly eating my BLT, I suddenly decided to be stubborn and not want the bacon, and I started flinging it on the floor? That would be some big pile of bacon, let me tell you. Or if Kurt refused to eat his perfectly good club sandwich, and instead started to cry? Or if I only wanted BLUE macaroni and cheese, which is apparently Ben’s all-time favorite? Wouldn’t it be funny if you went out to dinner with somebody, and then you had a fit because there was no blue macaroni and cheese on the menu?

At what point in a kid’s life does food stop being this big ordeal thing? I don’t remember ever not wanting any food, ever, but maybe if I asked Mom, she’d tell me I wouldn’t eat something or other. Can’t imagine it, though. It’s just funny, how you have to coax kids to eat, and it can be a big dramatic scene, but then the kid grows up and all he/she thinks about is CUTTING BACK and NOT EATING SO MUCH and LOSING WEIGHT.

Maybe we need yet another new diet, the three year-old diet. You’d only eat little bites of random things and then chuck the rest on the floor. I bet that would feel liberating, don’t you think?

The best thing about Imo’s Pizza (I’ll have to go back to try the actual Imo’s pizza) was that for some reason, a girl came around and gave us a PLATE OF FRESHLY BAKED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. I kid you not. Was this some kind of St. Patrick’s Day special or something? I mean, they weren’t green. They were DELICIOUS, and now I want to eat there every day. Except I’d hate to go there and be bitterly disappointed by no chocolate chip cookies, if these cookies were just some strange fluke.

Last night, I ate dinner at the Gateway to India, my favorite Springfield restaurant. I went with somebody who I haven’t been to dinner with much, and I wasn’t going to even mention Gateway to India, because it seems most people aren’t in love with Indian food like I am, but it turns out they loved it as much as me. A good time was had by all.

I also noticed that when we first got there, there were only about four other couples in the place, and I knew three out of the four. It filled up more as the evening progressed, and I was glad that there were strangers at the place, too.

Wednesday night I went to Karaoke with my friend John at the bar Breaktime. The first song he sang was “At This Moment,” which is UNBELIEVABLY sad, it seemed to me. But then he sang some cheerier things, so I didn’t have to spend the evening crying into my fuzzy navel. The drink, I mean.

Bars are too smoky, that’s all I have to say. Plus, mostly everybody there was about 20, and some people were even smoking CIGARS.

John sure does have a nice voice, though. I was disappointed that there weren’t more karaokers; there was one girl who kept singing, but mostly it was very out of tune and she seemed rather apathetic about it, like it was some horrible job and a burden, also, and she was just doing it because she had to. It was her birthday, naturally, and of course she was drunk. I guess this is a prerequisite, mostly, for doing karaoke. If I got drunk, I still wouldn’t do any karaoke.

I was expecting gobs of people up there singing, but maybe next time?

Ok then,

Grace very busy sometimes.

Mar. 17, 2005

instant message and injuries [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 10:18 am
yesterday, Christine told me that i need to get AOl instant messenger on my computer, and also yahoo IM. she said that i’m the only friend she has who isn’t on these vital and necessary IM programs. i said, why do i need to do this? she said, she and jerri IM each other all the time, for example. and pointed out again that i’m the ONLY ONE who’s not on board. i pointed out to her that we talk on the phone quite a bit, sometimes a few times a day. and i send her e-mails, sometimes very long ones because i can’t help it. and she said that now, we’ll be able to communicated INSTANTLY. and everybody’s doing it.

i said, next there will be a hologram of you, so it will be just like you’re right here, instead of in denver. she pointed out that there are webcams, and i shuddered at the thought. so i’d have to look presentable while writing? the great thing about writing is that i can do it when i first get out of bed in the morning, or the middle of the night, and it doesn’t matter how i look or what i’m wearing.

i told her i’d get right on it. except yesterday i needed a break from all things computer, so i didn’t do it then. maybe today. or tomorrow.

the thing is, i used to have aol im as well as yahoo. this was when i was a slave in an office in LA, bored out of my mind most of the time. when you’re sitting at a desk, no matter if you’re bored or even if you’re busy, it’s nice to IM people, it’s like chatting with friends only nobody can hear you. but now that i’ve been liberated forever from an office, i don’t imagine that the IM will be so practical for me. for one thing, i’m not a short im kind of person. if you know me, you know that i write very long e-mails, because i can’t help it. sometimes i write books worth of stuff. ok, not books so often, maybe just the one time, but still, i write a lot. and also, if i’m online, i’m probably looking a bunch of stuff up, or i’m writing something (like this), and the IMs break my concentration.

but i’ll sign up anyway, to make christine happy. even though we’ll probably never be online at the same time, since much of my onlining is in the evening or in the middle of the night.

AND, the funny thing, she said that usually when she is connected to her IMs, she’s HIDDEN from everybody! so she’s just lurking there, only making her presence known when she feels like it. i imagine that’s how many people must do it. so when i get the IM, people will be skulking around, WATCHING ME.

but luckily they won’t be able to actually see me. all they’ll know for sure is that i’m sitting down somewhere (or lying in bed), pounding the keyboard.

christine, by the way, is naturally quite thin (and lovely), and she can’t really afford to injure herself. i’ve written about how she eats anything and everything, and HATES to exercise, but i forgot to mention that naturally thin part. she said people will think she weighs 400 pounds.

but anyway, she went skiing over the weekend. i kept telling her DON’T GO SKIING! because i hate skiing, it’s VERY VERY DANGEROUS. i don’t believe in doing something that involves hurtling yourself downhill over ICE AND SNOW, wearing skis that are WAXED IN ORDER TO BE EVEN MORE SLIPPERY AND TREACHEROUS.

skiing and i don’t get along so well. have i told you about trying to learn to ski in the austrian alps? i have yet to recover from the psychological trauma.

anyway, christine thinks skiing is FUN, for some crazy reason. WHAT ABOUT SONY BONO? i asked her. WHAT IF YOU RUN INTO A TREE AND DIE?

she promised she wouldn’t run into any trees.

she called me after she got back, and i was relieved that she was still able to phone (but could she still instant message?). she was fine, she said, except at the end of the day she fell face-first and twisted her knee, but by now it’s a lot better.

whew. SHE BARELY ESCAPED DEATH, and i asked her to please think of another sport. like i said, she hates most exercise and we almost ruined our friendship when we went hiking together.

but yesterday my friend thad called me, from DC. Thad is very fit, works out all the time, he’s in great shape. and he’s been skiing since he was a teenager, unlike christine, who’s only done it a few times.

thad was also skiing, somewhere out there by DC, and he BROKE HIS SHOULDER. He’d been doing jumps all day, and by the end of the day he was tired and fell and BROKE HIS SHOULDER. i don’t like to even imagine the kind of pain he must have been in.

the thing is, i hadn’t even known he was going skiing, so i didn’t have the opportunity to warn him of the GRAVE DANGER he was exposing himself to. plus, since he is in such good shape, and he’s so experienced, i probably would have figured he’d be ok.

BUT SONY BONO WAS AN EXPERIENCED SKIIER, TOO.

i told thad i’d do anything i could for him - i yelled at him because he’s driving even though one arm is taped to his stomach - and he said i could come out and drive him around and help him with doing, well, everything, since he doesn’t have use of his arm. i said, sure.

it’s nice to have good friends, but they require CONSTANT CARE AND SUPERVISION. maybe they all need to move here to spfld, where it’s much too flat to hurt yourself hurtling downhill.

unless you were to go sledding at pasfield park, which as far as i’m concerned is SUICIDE.

ok then, go ahead and IM me in the next day or so (unless, of course, i’m HIDDEN),

grace always vigilant

Mar. 15, 2005

and one more thing... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 2:28 pm
i kept thinking about that posting yesterday where i mentioned alice waters' restaurant, chez panisse; i worried that wasn’t the right name at all, so i just looked it up. it’s a restaurant in berkeley, CA, and alice waters started the whole movement about using fresh, local ingredients, and all kinds of good stuff, and i’ve always wished i could go there sometime. i was actually in berkely a few years ago, but didn’t get to the restaurant. My boyfriend at the time took me on a tour of the berkely campus, where he went to school, and then he bought me an ice cream cone at some lovely shop, and then his mom fixed us a magnificent Turkish meal. so it’s not like the whole thing was a waste. just no chez panisse, that’s all.

here’s the website, so you can see for yourself how perfect and delicious it looks:

chez panisse

beware the ides of march... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 2:23 pm
watch out for getting stabbed in the back, especially if you’re named Caesar. was that the first use of that phrase, or was that a general thing before that?

So, i took my flyers around and indeed, nobody yelled at me and it was all good.

that’s not entirely true. The Wienerdog guys did yell at me, but only because they care. or at least i think that’s why. I gave them the flyers and asked them to please not put them behind the garbage can, because that’s where they were before and i felt the visibility was just a little low. behind the garbage can. they had a long discussion about where to put them, which i got bored with, and then they started asking me lots of questions, all man-related. No man, i told them. They grilled me to make sure i wasn’t lying to them, and had secretly gotten back together with a man and hadn’t told them about it. This had already happened once before, the last thing they knew, i was broken up, and then i showed up with the guy in tow, and they can’t stop giving me a hard time about that. Finally, satisfied, they started to give me lots and lots of dating advice.

The Wiengerdogians, Mark and Rob, are sweet guys, and like i said, i do really think they have my best interest at heart. I mean, if they didn’t care, they wouldn’t have my photo up on their wall, would they? Mark and Rob are the most guy guys i’ve ever known, though. I mentioned the Illini game (not knowing exactly what’s going on, just that it’s very very important to guys all across the nation), and they started in on how it’s important for a woman to know something about sports, but they don’t need to know too much. They went on and on about how one of them dated a woman who kept CORRECTING him about sports things, and that was clearly very, very bad. I assured them this would never, ever happen when i date a man, not to worry.

And then Mark started giving me lots of relationship platitude kind of advice, and i wished i could steer the conversation back to flyer placement. They suggested that i look further afield, like in st. louis and chicago, and i said, maybe it would be ok to put the flyers behind the garbage can...

They also gave me lots of grief about how i was leading people on, because of outfit i’m wearing on the flyer holder. Here is the photo:

me in my pink dress

I said, i do own this dress, and that’s how i look in it, but they said i never come into the Wienerdog dressed like that, i’m always wearing a big parka and long pants. I pointed out that it’s a little chilly for that kind of attire. I forgot to mention how completely inappropriate it would be to show up at the hospital to give people massages in something like that.

I promised them i’d wear the pink dress to the Wienerdog when the weather gets warmer. Actually, i love to get all dressed up, i have many fabulous dresses, but usually no place to wear them. I have a new skirt that is perfect for dancing, but no immediate dancing opportunities. But now that i’m putting it out there in cyberspace, maybe something will magically come up. Christine is always saying i can wear a fabulous dress to the grocery store if i want. Actually, she said that more when we both lived in LA, and then, you did see all kinds of outfits at the grocery at all hours of the day and night. but really, it’s not very exciting, wearing a cute dress just to buy bananas and frozen yogurt.

Anyway, finally, i escaped the Wienerdog, as Mark and Rob shouted more friendly and helpful advice at me.

Next, on to Recycled Records, where the owner, Mark, was quite happy to see me and wanted to read the column right away even though he was in the middle of eating lunch, and he promised he wouldn’t get any food on it. he asked if i was still running marathons, i said no (i haven’t actually ever run a marathon, and probably won’t), and then he wanted to know if MNB was around, and i said, no, no man. He said he didn’t want to be nosy, but i AM a public figure, after all. i said, yes, that’s true.

He didn’t offer any dating advice, but i’m sure he’d have been happy to give me some if i’d asked.

I then took them to the Cardologist, where Cathy, my old neighbor, works, and she pointed to a sign they have on the wall that says “if it has testicles or wheels, it’s going to be trouble.” I mean, she just offered this up, based on absolutely nothing i said. i agreed with the sentiment, pointing out that i just had to have my timing belt replaced and it cost a mint, and my dad was very very VERY concerned that i waited so long to have it done and i could have WRECKED THE CAR because of the old crappy timing belt. when this car finally breaks down for good, i’m just going to walk.

I didn’t say anything about the other part of the saying, but thanked her and headed for Food Fantasies, where Stu, the friendly manager, wasn’t even around, so i didn’t have to see what pearls of wisdom or advice he might have to offer.

maybe next time.

I then boldly took one more set of flyers to the place where my sister does hair. It’s a place with a bunch of different private salons, and a central lobby, and there’s a newspaper stand there, and i thought i could put my flyers there, so I asked the manager, and she said no. I immediately felt defeated, of course, but at least she didn’t give me any dating advice. but on the other hand, she’s a savvy businesswoman, maybe she’d have had some truly helpful advice about men.

but probably not.

i just broke another hands-free thing for my phone. so that makes about 10 this year alone.

that is all for now.

ok then,

grace who people feel the need to help me with all kinds of ideas.

Mar. 14, 2005

one more photo from the show [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:51 pm
me.

good things about sunday [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 4:47 pm
Well, there have to be good things about Sunday. Sunday, especially Sunday night, has traditionally been a low point for me, dating back to when I was in junior high school (where everything started to go wrong in my life) and I dreaded the thought of getting up and going to Franklin Middle School yet again. This was only two short years in my life, but they were very formative (as well as pudgy, ugly, stringy greasy hair braces ugly glasses lots of acne) years, to be sure.

So, yesterday, Sunday, I tried to think up something positive about the day.

And when I was driving home last night, on Toronto Road, between Taco Bell and the 4-way stop that leads to Lincoln Land, over in that new subdivision I saw a HUGE BUNNY.

Easter, that is. A blow-up bunny, like the millions of blow-up Santas and snowmen and stuff you see at Christmas. The Easter Bunny is pink, and nicely lighted, and as I was driving I looked over at the subdivision and there was the huge bunny, warm and appealing and it made me feel good, just knowing of the existence of the enormous pink bunny. Part of the appeal is that you don’t see them everywhere, like the omnipresent Santas and snowmen.

Not the best Sunday I’ve ever had, but the giant bunny gave me hope. I realize this may be stretching things a bit, but just the fact that I could get a moment’s happiness at the sight of the great big bunny says that all is not lost.

I spent some time at Panera yesterday afternoon, free wifi, and while sitting there for a good long time, I kept smelling the smells and so ate dinner at the other Panera . Also a very good thing.

Uh, other positive things…is that it? Just the two? Eating at Panera and a giant pink Easter Bunny?

Surely, surely there must be something…

Oh yeah, I printed out a bunch of copies of my latest “graceuncensored” column, and I’m going to take them around to some different places on Tuesday. I did a few of these in the fall, but then things happened, I got kind of bummed out, and quit doing it for a while. But, MARCH FORTH, I’m all about that (I wrote about Marching Forth a few entries ago, I believe), so here I go, making a fresh start, my plan is to do one EVERY TWO WEEKS.

So please, if you live here in Spfld, tell you friends who can’t read me online, who don’t have computers because theirs got struck by lightening (like happened to my friend Randy), to go pick up their paper copy of my column. Tomorrow I’m going to take them to Recycled Records, the Cardologist, Food Fantasies, and the Wienerdog. I might take them a few more places, but it seems daunting enough to take them around to these four. Writing, I could sit here and write all day, but going out and distributing things, that’s another matter entirely. I don’t know why, it’s just the way I am, I can’t help it. But at least I do manage to go ahead and do it, even though it fills me with dread.

Why dread, anyway, for god’s sake? It’s not like they’re going to say, NO GRACE, WE DON’T WANT YOUR COLUMN, YOU CAN’T PUT IT UP HERE. It’s just me being me, the evil voice in my head that doesn’t think anything will ever go right ever again. But at the same time, I’m CONQUERING THAT FEAR. Because I’m all about that.

What I really need is a marketing guru or something. Somebody who could give me ideas on how to branch out, and, better yet, how to start making actual money with the writing.

Actually, my friend Thad is the head of online marketing at Gannet Publishing, the huge huge Fortune 500 conglomerate that owns papers like the Chicago Tribune and pretty much almost everything. But whenever he’s given me ideas for ways to market myself, he starts rattling stuff off like…getting people to buy ads on the newsletter and on the online column, and branching the online version out so I have OTHER writers, and expanding and doing all kinds of stuff…and my reaction is always to start humming a little song in my head as he goes on and on, as I just can’t bear the thought of all the information.

What I really need is somebody who just wants to DO all that kind of stuff for me.

Don’t we all? Yep, we all need somebody to do all the stuff we don’t want to do in life.

One thing about Thad’s overwhelming ideas is that I don’t WANT any other writers on my site, because it’s GRACEUNCENSORED, not grace plus others uncensored. Let them get their own sites. I just read something about how “we’re all, tragically, stuck inside our own heads.” And the site is my way of getting the stuff in my head out into the world. It’s absolutely right, that thing about being stuck inside our own heads. Somebody told me that I’m living in my own little world, which annoyed me, because that’s what we’re ALL doing, aren’t we? Yes, we are. It’s not just me.

I just saw the “Parade” section of Sunday’s paper; I never read Parade because I hate it. But on the cover it said “What people earn.” Only I glanced at it quickly and thought it said “What people EAT.” Which amused me, and I thought it’d be much more entertaining. Because mostly it seems like reading all these different jobs people have and how much money they make can make a person all bummed out. Sure, maybe it’s nice to know that I’m making more money than a woman who’s a martial arts teacher in Ann Arbor, Michigan, but I know that she’s either (a) living in a cardboard box somewhere, or (b) has a husband who is supplying her with plenty of money so she doesn’t have to inhabit a box.

Most of the people, though, are Condoleeza Rice, who makes $180,000, or John Travolta, who made $25 million last year. It’s slightly depressing realizing that SpongeBob Squarepants made $1.5 billion dollars last year, almost a billion and a half more dollars than I made.

But also, money isn’t everything, which is why it would be more interesting to read that a females professional skier in Alaska eats nothing but hot dogs and cheese whiz all winter long, or that a horror writer in Berkeley, CA (who also made less than me, and I’m sure he must live at home with his parents judging by his photo) treats himself to a lovely dinner at Alice Waters’ Chez Panisse once a month.

Me, so far today (right now it’s 4:32 p.m.), I’ve had a bowl of Grape Nuts, one half of a Mel-O-Cream cream filled doughnut, and a cup of hot chocolate. I realize I’m lacking my 5-8 servings of fruits and vegetables so far, but I’ll make it up at dinner. All I’m saying is, most people are all about the food, and it would make you feel you had a connection with Condoleeza Rice if you knew that she loved Captain Crunch for breakfast, as opposed to feeling resentful that she makes so much money (but not anywhere near as much as SpongeBob SP).

I started writing a journal when I was about 10, only then it was my diary, and it had a little bitty lock on it. And that’s pretty much all that was in it, what I had for dinner. I know I must have been filling up my time with more than eating dinner; I did read a lot, and watched TV, went to school, blah blah blah. Clearly, things must have been a little dull back then, though, but then again, it’s not like I could drive anywhere and do exciting things. Not like now, when I could get in my car and drive to…well, Walgreens, for one thing. How many Walgreens does a town need, anyway? Plus all the other drug stores – who’s buying all the drugs? Plus all the other tons and tons of crap they sell there. And why are there drugstores RIGHT NEXT TO other drug stores? I believe I’ve mentioned this before, but it continues to baffle me that they put up a great big CVS Pharmacy on the corner of Stevenson Drive and West Lake Drive, and RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET they built a Walgreens. I mean, I doubt they’re going to completely run out of Cadbury Cream Eggs at CVS, but it is comforting to know that if they do, I could get them at Walgreens. But this hardly seems justification for building an entire STORE.

There must be a big corporate drug store plan in all this; I bet Thad would know why they do it, and I bet it makes perfect marketing sense, and that’s why Walgreens is a big rich company and I’m not.

Anyway, like I said, please tell everybody you know to go pick up copies of my column tomorrow. I just want people to read it, that’s all. Spreading the word of Grace.

Ok then,

Grace with a whole lot on my mind.

Mar. 13, 2005

Early Sunday morning [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:12 am
I bought a new box of Kleenex a couple of weeks ago, and I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s NEW Kleenex brand ANTI-VIRAL tissue, which kills 99.9% of cold and flu viruses. I’m more and more obsessive about not getting a cold, because when you give massages, you don’t want to be coughing and hacking all over the person you’re massaging, because this generally doesn’t promote so much peace and relaxation, plus if I was getting a massage I’d assume that if somebody was coughing uncontrollably all over me, that they’d give me whatever they’ve got.

I’ve gotten by pretty easy this winter (health-wise, anyway). I had the beginnings of a cold a couple of weeks ago, but I kept trying to will it away. And it worked (knock on wood). I had a couple of scary incidences of the cough trying to take over my body, but I squelched it with positive thinking, cough drops, and gallons and gallons of water.

The thing is, the past couple of winters, I’ve gotten a cold, and it has turned into bronchitis which is a big drag. The first time it happened I kept thinking I’d just get better, but it went on for a good month and I kept getting weaker and weaker, also not such a good thing when you give massages. I finally went to the doctor and got really strong and outrageously expensive drugs, and I was better in no time.

So when it happened last winter, I hurried to the doctor right away and once again, cured.

But this winter, no cold. Of course, I’ve realized that winter might extend into June or perhaps July this year, so there are a few more troublesome months ahead. But now I’m fortified, with my new anti-viral KLEENEX brand tissue.

Here’s what it says on the bottom of the box – “Because cold and flue viruses are often spread by hand contact, KLEENEX Brand has developed a new tissue for your whole family. New! KLEENEX Anti-Viral tissue has three soft….-ure-activated middle layer that kills 99.9% of cold and flu viruses in the tissue within…minutes. This product has not been tested against bacteria, fungi or other viruses. See below for anti-viral details.”

The problem, you might have guessed, is that when I ripped off the protective outer plastic covering, some of the words went with it, so I don’t know precisely why the Kleenex is so fantastic, nor how rapidly it kills the evil cold/flu viruses. I wonder what that “-ure-activated middle layer” is all about, but I guess I’ll never know. Moisture, maybe? Elsewhere it does list the ACTIVE INGREDIENTS, which are Citric acid (7.51%), and Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, 2.02% There are 90.47% inert ingredients, which must be the actual tissue itself. I guess I’d want my facial tissue to be mostly composed of inert ingredients, because all those active ingredients might get in the way of a soothing nose-blowing experience.

My KLEENEX brand tissue is a virucidal against: Rhinoviruses Type 1A and 2 (Rhinoviruses are the leading cause of the common cold); Influenza A and Influenza B (causes of the flu); Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV-the leading cause of lower respiratory infection in children).

It’s reassuring, isn’t it?

But ok, I haven’t even gotten to the whole POINT of writing about my new box of KLEENEX brand tissue. The thing that immediately caught my eye was this:

DIRECTIONS FOR USE: It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue.

And this is what I keep coming back to. What else are you going to do with the Kleenex? I put it on my tongue to see if it tasted different than a regular Kleenex, and it does taste a little bit bad. So you probably should refrain from eating the Kleenex. I use it to take off my eye makeup; is this consistent with the labeling? Am I protecting my eyes from the encroaching rhinoviruses? But maybe it’s bad to rub citric acid into your eyes; is this like rubbing orange juice into your eyes? It doesn’t sting or anything.

Have people been using the Kleenex in nefarious ways? Have they been putting it on their heads, wearing the Kleenex as little hats against cold/flu? Have they been mixing it with various farming chemicals in order to create more evil and toxic strains of methamphetamines? Have people been wrapping little candies in the tissue and handing them out, thereby causing unsuspecting people to ingest Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, which I bet you’re not supposed to eat?

There’s a 1-800 number in big bold letters on the bottom of the box, which I should probably call to find out just what I should avoid in my Kleenex use. But the hours are weekdays from 8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. CT, so I’d probably just get the KLEENEX answering machine, since right now it’s 4:56 a.m., very early Sunday morning.

I’ve been awake since 3:51 a.m., and I have great hopes for getting back to sleep in the not too distant future, even though I feel completely wide awake right at this moment. Perhaps if I rub the KLEENEX brand tissue over my forehead, the active ingredients will soothe my brow and make me sleepy, sleepy…

But maybe that would be inconsistent with the labeling.

Good-night (hopefully),

Grace in the middle of the cold dark night.

Mar. 09, 2005

just for kate [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:01 pm
I had many plans for the evening. Since last Friday, I’ve been waiting for tonight, because I was going to GO TO KARAOKE with my friend John. This was going to be my reward for making it through THREE WHOLE DAYS OF THE WEEK already, the chance to watch some karaoke and escape life as I know it, and have fun and hear John sing. Unbiased bystanders have told me that John has a very good voice, and so that was going to be a bonus. Plus he’s fun to talk to, and a very nice fellow. ESCAPE FROM MY REALITY FOR A WHILE, that’s all I was looking for.

So, then, why is it now 10:11 p.m. and I’m sitting here all by myself up in my bedroom?

Because I’m very very lame. I had a somewhat busy day today, but not too taxing. Gave a few massages, then worked out for a while. I didn’t do as much working out as I could have done, mind you, just a fairly easy half hour on the treadmill. Taking it easy, that’s what I thought I was doing.

But then I got home and showered and ate dinner and slipped into my favorite very soft black sweats and I thought…I’m not going anywhere. It’s too cold outside, I’m tired, I can’t get up out of my chair, much less drive all the way across town.

I’m bitterly disappointed in myself, but at least it isn’t the first time, so it’s not a big shock. But I feel bad that I let John down, too, although I’m sure he didn’t have as much hope and promise of FLEEING REALITY pinned on the evening as I did. But still, I said I was going, and then I didn’t. Bad, bad me.

So this is kind of, um…not payback, not retribution – atonement? That’s a fine, sort of religious-type word. Atoning for my sin of standing John up? But instead of making it up to John (WHICH I PROMISE I WILL DO VERY SOON), I’m making it up by doing this for Kate.

Tonight I’ve writing a little, nothing that has involved too much thought, and I was ready to settle into my book “a walk across france,” which I’m reading for the second time. It’s an OK book, not fabulous. I bought it in LA a while ago, I guess because the idea of a Big Walk has always appealed to me. And now I’ve been seriously contemplating a Big Walk of my own, with my friend Erica, maybe this summer. She mentioned walking across England, and I’m all for it, except there are plenty of things to get in the way, mostly financial pitfalls for me, personally.

But the book is kind of entertaining and I know that at some point in my life, maybe in the not-too-distant future, I WILL take some Big Walk somewhere. If not this summer, then next. And in the meantime, I can read about somebody else’s journey.

That was my plan anyway, to read my book and go to bed very early, maybe by 10:30. Because I’m VERY TIRED.

But I got an e-mail from my friend Kate tonight, who said she’s become ADDICTED to reading my site, and then she said, “Write, damn you, write!!!” That was a very nice thing to hear, but also slightly burdensome, the pressure is on.

And, as I mentioned, because I was so very very slovenly and lazy and too tired to go see John sing karaoke, I thought that the least I could do was write something.

For Kate.

Whew, that was a long explanation, wasn’t it? Ah, now I remember what I wanted to tell you about – other things I did over the weekend, besides the church fiasco (Kate said she’d take me to her Catholic church anytime if I want, but I feel I need a little rest from churching).

Friday night, I had a most excellent time. I went to see a high school production of “You Can’t Take it With You,” the play I was just in (with Kate, directed by John). She and John and Steve and I piled into her nice big van and headed for Pawnee. I’ve ridden in Kate’s nice big van before, but clearly, she was going all out Friday night, because it had been recently cleaned. My car is usually littered with things that are vital to life as I know it (mostly many empty water bottles and pens that don’t write), and Kate’s van was kind of like that.

But for a special night in Pawnee, she had it cleaned. Very impressive.

The ride to Pawnee was breathtaking, as you might imagine. Right down I-55 we went, chatting about how we’d ever find the high school in Pawnee. I suddenly remembered that I had a friend who lived in Pawnee, Mike. I’d been to his house a few times, so I figured the trip would be a breeze.

It was, until we got into Pawnee and then didn’t know where to go. We could have driven around for a while, since it’s not a very big town, but we didn’t have a lot of time till the curtain rose. So we pulled into the Casey’s gas station, which was bustling with activity, and asked for directions. The very friendly gentleman who Kate asked was very friendly, but also not used to giving such complicated directions. “You go down this street…here?” He waved at the street in front of us, in case we couldn’t see it. “ And you keep going, and you go past a bunch of…roads? And then you keep going till you get to, ah, a sign…for a school? And then you, ah…make a left turn, and…there you are.” But it took him a lot longer to say it than that, and he made it seem incredibly complicated, when it was just a matter of driving down the street and turning left.

Somehow we found it. When we got there, some of the students milling around asked us if we’d been in the show in Springfield – many of them had gone to see our production. Kate and I felt like celebrities, naturally.

I purchased a ticket for five dollars, and asked for my ticket, but the girl who sold it to me was also the one who collected the tickets, so she just showed me what it looked like and then took it back. Not a problem, except for what transpired after that.

We all had our tickets, I stopped in the bathroom and joined my friends a few minutes later. We settled in our seats. The place was PACKED and we all wished we’d had as many people at our show. But then again, it was mostly packed with Pawnee students.

After a few minutes, at least three people hurried up to us. “Did you give your ticket to the usher?” one of them asked me. “No, the girl who sold it to me wouldn’t let me actually take it,” I replied. There was a bit of conferring amongst the group, and then they let me be. For a moment there, I thought they were going to arrest me, or throw me out. Clearly, they thought I’d tried to SNEAK INTO THE PLAY! Me, one of the STARS of the BIG-CITY version of the play!

Not a good start to the evening, but I understand that us city folk can be kind of intimidating to Pawnee-ites. And clearly, I look like a criminal.

The set was very nice. And some of the students were pretty good, like the guy who played Mr. Kirby. His real name is Matt, and Matt’s dad came up to us before the play and talked to me for quite a while. I couldn’t remember his name to save my life, and I felt very rude not introducing him to my friends. I think his name is Steve, but I couldn’t be sure. I finally said, “this is my friend Kate,” hoping he say, “Hi, my name is….” But he didn’t. But I’m pretty sure his name is Steve, and I liked what his son wrote in the program – they all wrote what they’d do if they had a hundred dollars, and Matt wrote that the best way to spend $100 was to go pick shopping at the Guitar Center. I bet you could get a lot of picks for $100. Matt’s dad plays in a jazz band, so he’s obviously a good-n-positive influence on Matt.

The oddest action in the play was acted by the guy who played Kholenkov, the Russian dancing teacher. I guess that in the script somewhere it says that Kholenkov smokes. Our Kholenkov (played by the very talented and nice Gil O.) didn’t smoke, and it certainly didn’t seem important that the character do so.

But the Pawnee high school Kholenkov was all about the smoking. He had a cigarette in his hand, and tried to light it. It wouldn’t light. He kept trying and trying, still saying his lines, but he couldn’t get it lit. It was fascinating, in a train-wreck kind of way.

He gave up, but then later he started in again, and finally got it lit. He proceeded to puff on it throughout the rest of his lines, sometimes nervously flicking the ashes into a big urn. The thing is, I don’t smoke, and I know I could do a more convincing job of looking like I did. He kept taking short little puffs, watching the ashes, and like I said, his part was all about the smoking.

Besides the fact that he clearly didn’t know what he was doing, we wondered what, exactly, the people in charge were thinking, letting this high school kid smoke on stage. Smoking for no reason at all. Hmm.

The kid who played Donald, the maid’s boyfriend, in the show was good-looking. That’s actually an understatement; he was QUITE good looking. And clearly, he was very popular. Every time he came onstage, an excited murmur rippled through the audience. Every time he opened his mouth and uttered one of his (inconsequential and usually not meant to be funny) lines, the audience HOWLED with laughter. Clearly, a very popular boy. I leaned over to Kate and asked if maybe he wasn’t really a high school kid, maybe he was an international calendar model from somewhere who just happened to be in Pawnee for the evening? Hence the swooning from the girls in the audience?

After the show, we stayed up late. Nobody was arrested, no fights ensued, and we ended up at the Lime Street Café in time to hear the very last note that the band played, and a good time was had by all.

Maybe that’s the key – in order to stay up for karaoke next week, I need to be already out and about, so I’ll have no excuse for lolling around in my sweats.

And now it’s 10:58, too late to go to bed early, but early enough to read a little before falling asleep.

For you, Kate.

ok then,BOY I’M TIRED,

grace

Mar. 08, 2005

church and other things [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:04 pm
On Sunday I decided to give church a try. I’ve been attempting to give all kinds of things a try lately, some of which I will not share with you here, but I thought that church might be uplifting in some way, it might help my heart which continues to race too fast too much of the time.

I thought I’d start with the Unitarian Church, because it seems non-threatening, and I know some people who go there and so it might be fun, as well as spiritually uplifting. My friend Lisa goes there.

I never went to church growing up, except we did go to the Unitarian Church up until I was about five, so my memory of it is pretty hazy. But I believe I’ve written about my lack of understanding of church, and I’ve gone to churches so infrequently (mostly just to wedding and funerals) that I haven’t gotten over feeling sort of uncomfortable, like I clearly don’t belong and don’t know what, exactly, the correct protocol is at church.

Sunday morning, service started at 10:30, I raced out of the house and got there by 10:25. I looked up at the great big sign, which read “services at 9:00 and 10:15.” Hmm, how odd. Lisa had told me it started at 10:30. How could she have gotten it wrong? Now, instead of arriving 5 minutes early, I was late. There were lots of cars in the lot, and I screeched to a halt and ran inside.

I slipped into the back pew and a woman came up to me and asked if it was my first time (I clearly look like a person who doesn’t go to church), and I said yes, and she gave me a little program. A guy sitting next to me smiled and said hi. Up on the stage, a guy was playing a guitar, with four backup singers. Three were women, and they were middle-aged and looked a little dowdy, but their singing was acceptable. Behind the group, the words to the song were projected, and people were singing along.

Near the front, I was pretty sure I saw Lisa. She seemed to be getting into the music, but I only decided this based on the back of her head.

I glanced at the program, and there was no listing of the itinerary. I thought churches always spelled out the stuff that went on. Hmm.

More singing. One of the backup singers spoke a little bit, and then singing. I realized they were singing a lot about Jesus and all that he did for us over the years, that kind of thing. Hmm, I didn’t think Unitarians were so wrapped up in Jesus. Also, there was a great big cross hanging near the projected words of the song. Hmm again.

And then, blood and body were passed around. Not having grown up going to church, the whole blood and body drinking and eating seems a little…macabre…to me. I can’t help it. Maybe if I was baptized and had a communion and indoctrination and whatever else it is that you have to do to be one of the congregation, I’d feel comfortable about the blood and body thing. I get the symbolism and all, but there’s just something about it.

Anyway, at this point, I realized that something was very, very wrong. I took a closer look at the program. In big letters it read LAKESIDE CHRISTIAN CHURCH.

This is how my life is. I’m not a flaky person, at least not in my own mind. I don’t rush into wrong churches. I’m actually a very thoughtful person, you can ask anybody who knows me really well, but sometimes…sometimes things happen beyond my control.

So, now what was I going to do? I thought maybe I’d just sit there and listen to the sermon, but like I said, it seemed like just singing. Plus, I’d hoped to see people I knew. Because isn’t that also a part of church, the whole fellowship thing? I’d like to have some fellowship with other human beings once in a while. I don’t go to an office every day and sit at a desk and have fellowship there, I don’t have a lot of structure to my days. Maybe that’s what I was searching for on Sunday morning.

I decided I had to flee. This is something I’ve always mastered, the art of fleeing. You may recall I fled across the country on more than one occasion, trying to run away from thoughts of some man or another. It has always worked quite well for me. Fleeing, I’m damn good at it.

But how to inconspicuously escape church?

Well, I was sitting in the back. I picked up my coat and rushed right out. A nice-looking man said, “have a good week” as I ran by. I smiled at him.

Whew. HOW do I manage to do things like this? How is it that I didn’t READ THE GREAT BIG SIGN at the front of the church, the one that listed the service times?

I passed a couple of other churches on my way to the Unitarian church, but I was all about the careful reading. I made it there by 10:45, only missed the very beginning.

I had to sign a guestbook, and they handed me a program and a hymnal. The program listed all the stuff that was going to happen. People were going up to the front asking for people to pray for others. I thought this was nice.

The church was pretty crowded, and I didn’t see Lisa, but I did see another woman I knew, with her boyfriend and a couple of children. But I sat by myself in the back and just listened and watched.

After the prayer requests, there was a very short talk to the children, and there seemed to be a lot of children. Then the kids left, and there was some singing. At some point there was also some of that chanting stuff, you know, when the minister says something, and then everybody chants in unison. I think I’ve written about this before, how it sort of creeps me out and makes me feel like I’m in a cult. They were saying Unitarian-speak, not like the hardcore religious stuff I’ve heard at other churches, but clearly it was the same kind of effect, everybody chanting in unison, droning on…

The minister then spoke for quite a while. Darwinism, Clarence Darrow, the other guy in the Scopes Trial. Both the lawyers were Unitarians, did you know that?

It was kind of interesting. My mind wandered (when does it not?), and I read my program and thought about sticking around afterwards for cookies and fellowship. The cookie part was tempting, but the fellowship would most likely involve trying to talk to people I didn’t know, and although sometimes this is totally OK for me, I was feeling a little rattled by all the running from church to church, plus trying to sing along with everybody.

Maybe I should try all the churches in Springfield, just for something new to do. This is pretty unlikely, though – if I decide I need to try church again, I’d like to try going to one more than once. To see if I could at least get to the point where it didn’t seem like some foreign land to me.

Afterwards, Mom and Randy and I went to the Cracker Barrel for a delicious breakfast. Usually we go to the Hen House, but we went there first and it smelled way too smoky. The Cracker Barrel is too franchised, too merchandise-packed, but the breakfast was mighty fine.

Whew.

I have many other things to say to you, but that’s all I have the energy for right now. I still haven’t told you about my audition at New Salem a couple of weeks ago, for example. But I’m going to get right on that.

Today I was talking to my friend Kurt, and his (very very lame) excuse for not keeping up with my writing here is that he alleges that he’d check it every day, and I wasn’t writing on it very consistently. I assured him that I’ve been VERY consistent lately, even though I’ve missed a few days just now. But we all need a little rest, huh?

Not that I was resting, at all. Just vacationing from the internet. Internet Vacation.

Ok already,

Grace (such a religious name for such a non-religious girl, although just today I gave a massage to a woman at the hospital and she said, “grace, what an appropriate name for you, doing this nice service.”)

Mar. 04, 2005

p.s. [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:18 am
the other afternoon i stopped by my friend kate’s house, and she gave me a diet root beer. i was at her house a week or so ago and she’d asked me if i wanted a drink, but all she had was non-diet soda, so i drank water, which is fine, because water is good and good for you. but she asked me what i’d like, and then, POOF, next time i show up, there’s icy cold diet root beer.

that’s what makes a true friend.

that’s enough for friday.

grace

March Forth [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 11:15 am
i read a magazine article a couple of weeks ago, all about being more positive and it talked about how you should celebrate more things, celebrate being alive...the article suggested making up your own holidays, and one of them was March 4th, only it’s march forth. all about moving forward, leaping into life, experiencing all it has to offer...blah blah blah.

so, i felt the need to share this with you, being march 4th and all.

not that i feel like marching at the moment. although, one bright note, it’s getting warmer today and i’m going to run in the park this afternoon. around and around, last time i went twice around, maybe i’ll go for three times today.

i watched kill bill vol. 2 last night, and i didn’t enjoy it much. i really liked the first one, and the second one is sort of the same, lots and lots of violence, some interesting camera work, some snappy dialogue...i can’t remember when i saw the first one, but i feel it must have been about a year ago, maybe? i was a lot younger, more carefree and happy then.

this time, i just couldn’t stomach all the gratuitous violence. at least the ending wasn’t a 30-minute bloodbath. but still, enough already, quentin.

enough already.

grace

Mar. 02, 2005

drip drip drip... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 9:59 pm
wounded

I just gave blood again, for the second time in my life. I don’t know why I didn’t start this a way way long time ago, but I didn’t, so now I must make up for it. If I could give blood every day, I’d do it. But nope, every 56 days, that’s the rule.

My blood pressure was a little lower this time (104/54), but it was perfectly low last time (100/72), so I guess all is good. Last time they grilled me with an endless list of questions, and I didn’t realize they’d do the same thing again. Have you ever taken X drug, have you ever taken Y drug? All the drugs with really really long names, they seemed to be interested in. I told the nurse that I didn’t realize there were that many drugs. Have I ever taken a drug using a needle that wasn’t legal? I don’t think she put it quite like that, but I assume she meant heroin, which I’ve never tried.

I did see “Ray” last night, and he did quite a bit of heroin, and I wanted to talk to the nurse about what a good movie it was, but she was just all about getting through the questions, which of course was understandable. Do you have AIDS? Have you had sex with somebody who has AIDS? Have you ever had sex with a man who had sex with a man with AIDS? Did you ever share a needle? Have you been in the U.K. anytime since 1980? Did you ever pay for sex? Did you ever receive money for sex?

With each question, I was dying to tell her the things that popped into my head as she asked them – nope, I’ve never paid for sex, unless you mean the emotional payment. Nope, nobody’s ever given me money for sex, but I have had some boyfriends who gave me very lovely gifts, does that count? One of them gave me a really dazzling pearl necklace that I always forget to wear. I hope I’ve never had sex with a man who’s had sex with a man PERIOD, with or without AIDS, but you certainly never know, do you?

On and on the questions went, and then it was the needle in the arm time. She poked it into my right arm, and it hurt more than I remembered it hurting last time. Damn, this is going to be uncomfortable. But then she took it out. Uh oh. It went in sideways, hence the pain. So she had to put it in the left arm, instead.

She said my right arm would be bruised a LOT, and I should put a cold compress on it when I get home, and then heat tomorrow. I just took the dramatic bandage off, and it doesn’t hurt at the moment. Not as much as my arms hurt after doing too much weight-lifting, for example. And not as much as the big bruise I have on one hip, that I can’t recall how I got. Crashing into something, no doubt.

So then the blood started flowing out of my left arm, and it wasn’t bad, and it didn’t take very long. If you haven’t given blood (and I don’t think nearly enough people do), you should definitely do it. I mean, don’t worry about getting the needle in wrong, because that wasn’t happening to any of the other people there, and I’m sure it won’t happen again.

And, here’s the best part, I mean besides doing something good and unselfish for humanity and your fellow human beings and all of that – they give you juice and treats afterwards. You HAVE to have juice, they insist on it. Last time there were giant Grandma’s cookies, and today they had cheddar crackers with peanut butter. I mean, high quality snacks that I normally never, ever get. They were those bright orange cheddar crackers, delicious.

So, go give some blood, do something good.

And, as an added bonus, I must say that I feel really good. My mood has been slightly horribly awful all day, and for some reason, I’m feeling pretty elated. Maybe it’s because the nurse said that my blood pressure was perfectly good since “you’re so tiny.” I don’t believe anybody has described me as “so tiny,” and I’m not, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it was nice that she thought I was.

I don’t really think that’s the reason for the elation, however – I think it’s because I’m unburdened of all that weighty blood. I feel lighter (not tiny, just lighter), freer, less encumbered.

By the way, I’ve decided that the Fit Club is an excellent place to learn all kinds of valuable things about life. I think I already wrote about the women I heard talking about the fact that they wake up in the middle of the night, like I do. And then, yesterday, a woman told me she’d been in Maine, and how it was so snowy there but they did a good job of clearing the roads. She talked about how beautiful it is up there, the abundance of nature, how it’s humbling and powerful to be in all that beauty. That gave me pause. I need to be in nature really soon, except it needs to be warm nature.

And today, I went to Fit Club West for a change, and they have individual TV screens on the treadmills, so you can watch absolutely anything you want to. I switched between an Elvis Presley movie, a Cheech and Chong movie, and “Judging Amy.” And the weather channel, of course.

I’d only seen Judging A once before, and liked it. This time, Amy’s brother was having problems because he’s a writer and he doesn’t have enough time to write, and his mother doesn’t take it seriously. And he was talking about the craft, and how it can take years and years to finish a novel, and how sometimes the words don’t come, and he said a bunch of other kind of interesting things about writing, I can’t remember them exactly. But anyway, even though at the moment my writing only consists mostly of writing here on this website, it made me think that the writing has some validity, there’s some meaning and purpose here. Besides that it’s totally enjoyable and fairly effortless.

Whew. Quite a day, today, Wednesday.

I rented “kill bill volume 2” and was going to watch it tonight, but ran out of time. But now I have that to look forward to tomorrow night, seeing uma Thurman KICK SOME MORE ASS.

Good night.
Grace still bleeding

Mar. 01, 2005

and while i’m at it... [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:15 am
here are a few more photos from the show.

This first one is me in my full ballerina regalia.

these are two men in the show, Dale and Gil. I love this photo of Dale because i think he looks like a cartoon character. he’s a very nice, cute guy.

As is Gil, who i’ve written about because he lent me his “how to be happy book,” which I PROMISE i’m going to give back, as soon as i reach happiness...

dale!

Dale teaches math and Gil is a principal; we had a lot of teacher-types in the play. gil said he likes being a principal because he loves playing kickball at recess. and dale is awfully funny for a guy who knows all about math.

ok, NOW, sleep.

grace up too long

Salmon Spectacular [ General ] - grace - grace@graceuncensored.com @ 5:05 am
Here’s a photo of the salmon that my mother in the play, Felicia, made for the cast party at her house:

fish delite

The photo really doesn’t do it justice; she used black olives for fins, and a green olive for the eye. a fish masterpiece.

In the play, there’s lots of talk of food, as I believe I’ve already written about. In the play, my mother suggests that she’ll serve either canned salmon or frankfurters to our fancy guests who have arrived a night early. She ends up getting frankfurters because “they don’t take any time to boil.”

For the cast party, Felicia had both frankfurters AND canned salmon, so you see how very fancy it was. She went to a great deal of effort to sculpt her salmon creation, and she was justifiably proud of her work. A good time was had by all.

The funny thing is, Felicia and Mike, married both in the play and in real life, have a wonderful, interesting house. I was surprised when I stepped inside, but then I wondered why I’d been surprised, because it made sense that these creative and interesting people would have a creative and interesting home.

Ok, well, it’s 4:57 a.m., and I’ve been awake since 3:48. Troubling, since yesterday I went to both aerobics and weightlifting classes, and was thoroughly exhausted when I went to bed (pretty darn early). But now, wide awake. I’ve written a few e-mails, hoping to get everything on my mind written down in order to clear it out of my brain and get back to sleep, but now I feel really awake. The cat, Winston, is purring beside me, but I think he wishes I’d turn off the light so he can snuggle close to me.

So I’ll try that.

Ok then,

Grace without sleep as usual.

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