Feb. 27, 2005
sunday afternoon
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grace -
grace@graceuncensored.com
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3:00 pm
they’re not bad dogs, they just like to chew things. the beagle, Noodle, had a fuzzy little white squeaker toy. the toy had been on top of Noodle’s cage, so i figured it must belong to him. he busily played with it as i did other things.
pretty soon, i realized the squeaking had stopped.
and there, all over the dining room floor, were bits of white stuffing. in the middle, the little plastic squeaker itself, neatly chewed open, its squeaking ability gone forever.
it’s almost like noodle was operating on the squeaker toy. maybe the squeaking bugged him, and he just wanted a little peace and quiet.
that’s what i’ll tell amy and jim when they get back, anyway.
hey, do you know who eddie izzard is? i talked about him a long time ago, and the other day my friend ann asked me if i’d ever heard of him. yes, i said, he’s my favorite comic. he’s british, very learned about all kinds of stuff, especially history, and he’s hysterically funny. and he’s a transvestite. i saw him on the tonight show one time, but he wasn’t being so funny, i think he was promoting a movie, and he wasn’t able to cut loose like he does in his stand-up.
you can get his videos online; the funniest one by far is called “dress to kill.” he’s crazy and nutty, but also, like i said, very intelligent. he talks about being a transvestite, that he likes women but also likes to dress in women’s clothes. he calls himself an “executive transvestite.”
i highly recommend checking out his videos. i saw him in chicago a couple of years ago, and he was great. he’s been in a few movies, and he’s perfectly fine in them, but in order to get the full impact of him, you have to see his stand-up. maybe i should invite some people over to watch my video sometime. it’s always good for bolstering my spirits, and i’m suddenly wondering why i haven’t been watching him EVERY DAY.
we took the dogs for a walk, and it started to rain, and i realized that it smelled like a spring rain. plus, i’ve been hearing more birds lately. spring will definitely get here this year, i have every confidence. despite the fact that it’s going to get down to SEVENTEEN on thursday night. but maybe the weather predictors are wrong.
oh yeah, the audition yesterday...i’ll tell you about it next time. I’ll just give you one little highlight - i sang the song, and the musical director said, “can you sing it in your regular voice for me, please?” now, i had made my voice just a little bit funnier than it really is, but it was almost exactly like MY REGULAR VOICE.
and when i got done singing, a guy leaned over to me and said, “i really liked that accent you did in your song.”
THAT’S MY VOICE.
ok then,
tunefully grace
Feb. 26, 2005
oh, and by the way...
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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8:54 am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!!!!!!!!
*whew,* on saturday morning
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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8:52 am
last night, the dogs WERE NOT BEING GOOD AFTER ALL.
after i got done typing, i looked around amy and jim’s living room. there was an old blanket lying on the floor, it looked like something that might have belonged to somebody as a child - and there were many pieces of it lying about. the dogs had been (very quietly) tearing it apart as i wrote. oh dear. i mean, they didn’t completely destroy it, but it wasn’t good.
i said “bad dogs,” but they have no remorse, they’re dogs.
i hope i won’t get fired from house/pet sitting in the future. i promise i’ll be much, much more dilligent from now on.
i did, indeed, wake up at EXACTLY 4:29 a.m. this morning, but decided against getting up because it was too cold and besides, my mood was pretty black, so i felt it prudent to try to get back to sleep, instead. the huge kitty, known as mr. kitty, kept walking all over me and finally decided to sleep right on top of me, and then i couldn’t breathe, so i made him get off the bed, but he kept lumbering up every once in a while to sleep right next to me and put his paw on my face, or sleep right over my head, purring loudly in my ear.
clearly, something is wrong/missing in my life if all i focus on is sleeping or trying to sleep.
well, of course there is.
i’m still going to audition for another play today, even though i feel i have little chance of getting the part, and it will probably be very torturous because of the singing. but i don’t want to have any regrets about NOT doing it. i hope it doesn’t take hours. i have to get back and pick up mom and dad’s dogs, shortie and gizmo, and take them to amy and jim’s. it’s mom’s birthday, and she and dad are going out of town, so i’m going to be in charge of five wild dogs. at least i won’t lack for company tonight.
that is all for now.
ok then,
morning grace
Feb. 25, 2005
...and finally, friday night...
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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9:54 pm
how is it that i can be this tired, when i’ve done so very little today? I did pick up my new massage name plaque, which reads “grace smith, massage therapist,” and it’s going to be affixed to the great big sign with the names of the other people i work with, and i was quite happy about that. now, when people come to get a massage, they’ll be able to find me. because if you have to search around for the massage therapist, that might be stressful, and the massage is supposed to be about relieving stress, not adding to it.
it was much warmer than 47 today. i kept seeing temperature signs (i guess that was earlier in the day) that said it was 47, and that’s what they’d predicted. i kept running around to different stores, though, wearing my big green winter coat, and i couldn’t figure out why i was so darn hot every time i got back in the car. i figured that the coat is just extra-warm.
but tonight dad told me that it was 59 today! and i didn’t even appreciate it because i didn’t take the time to figure out that it was actually WARM OUTSIDE, it wasn’t just that i was wearing my big winter coat.
i’m afraid that this type of behavior is going to give me a bad reputation. I am NOT spacey, i was just very very focused on my pursuits, that’s all.
it’s quite quiet here at amy and jim’s. the dogs sounded like they were having a huge huge dog battle, but i believe they must have finally worn themselves out. i worry that the one very huge fat cat ate all the kitty food, and the smaller, thinner kitties will go hungry, but on the other hand, none of them looks like they’re starving. only the fish swim around with their pathetic little fish mouths gasping for a stray fish flake, but i know they are just being piggy fishes. The fish food they haver here smells really, really bad, so it must be very high-quality and expensive.
jim has three kinds of ice cream here. starbuck’s mocha chip, breyer’s cookies-n-cream, and peanut butter chocolate something. i like the peanut butter chocolate the best. jim is all about the pure ice cream without lots of added things (like maybe guar gum?), so he seems to lean heavily towards breyer’s, but i think it’s a little bit lackluster and always prefer ben-n-jerry’s. but jim did say i could eat ALL the ice cream if i wanted. actually, i believe he said PLEASE eat all the ice cream.
i won’t, of course, but it was very nice and generous of him to tell me to go ahead and eat it all. because he’s a very fine brother-in-law.
plus he said i could eat whatever i wanted to in the fridge, but there are just a few too many soy products in there for my taste. i like soy milk quite a bit, although i used to hate it, and i don’t know what happened to change my mind, but i did. but then there’s also sliced “tofurkey,” a soy turkey product, and some soy deli-beef-like slices, and some soy hot dogs and riblets and...and...
how is it that everything is made of soy? i mean, really, soon you’ll go to the grocery store, and everything will be soy, formed into whatever shape of whatever thing you might want to buy. soy lettuce. soy grapefruit. soy filet mignon (I BET THEY ALREADY HAVE SOY FILET MIGNON SOMEPLACE. WRAPPED IN SOY BACON). soy reese’s peanut butter cups.
and then, of course, they’ll run out of the soy, and it will really be SOYLENT GREEN...and then, the horror, somebody will find out that SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! how many of you have seen that movie? i always thought i’d seen it, but i hadn’t, and then i saw it not that long ago, and it’s pretty campy and over-the-top dramatic in a very 70’s way. i recommend it. and then you’ll see where our society is headed, and we can make up some focus groups to solve all the looming problems that are leading us towards SOYLENT GREEN.
gee, i feel that i’ve forgotten what i was going to write about here.
no matter. maybe i’ll continue when/if i wake up at 4:30 in the morning. i did nap today, for about 20 minutes, plus i didn’t exercise at all in order to repair my overworked muscles. so this is a troubling combination, and i’m pretty sure i’ll be up (along with most of the rest of the insomniac population) at some point in the middle of the night.
ok then, good night,
soyful grace
friday morning
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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12:03 pm
i woke up this morning and it was SUNNY, and i feel the sun hasn’t been out for about a year and a half, so it was good to see that it’s still up there in the sky. it’s supposed to be 47 today, which sounds marginally OK, but I’M READY FOR SPRING RIGHT NOW. it’s supposed to be colder next week. enough already, really.
i realized i probably took a few too many motrin last night, but on the other hand, the horrible back pain is gone. all my upper body muscles are pretty darn sore at the moment, but it’s all because of the weight-lifting, not because of the pulling of the muscle. so many, not too many motrin, but just the right amount.
but i’m sure if i keep taking them at this rate, i’ll have uncontrolled bleeding out of my ears or my stomach or something, so i’m going to cut back. the thing is, some nights i take a couple because i feel it calms and relaxes my muscles so i can sleep. i told this to a friend who said that didn’t sound very logical, but it’s not like he’s a medical doctor, either.
i did sleep quite a bit last night, only woke up at 4:30 in order to try to figure out where the scratching noise was coming from; i figured a cat wanted in or out, but couldn’t find one anywhere.
i’m about to spend the weekend at amy and jim’s again, taking care of their wild dogs. actually, this morning i went over and let them out, and they were quite docile. they didn’t even bark, which is highly unusual. they might have thought i was amy, and had just grown a few inches. or maybe they’re used to me since i visited them just a few weeks ago. maybe they remembered how i plyed them with treats all weekend long, so they decided to start out on their very best doggie behavior.
last time, amy gave me a long list of proper feeding and care of the dogs and the cats and the fish. she obviously assumed i’d remember the drill this time, and i guess i do remember it, generally. feed everybody. DON’T feed the fish more than once a day, or they will SWELL UP AND EXPLODE. the funny thing i’ve noticed about fish is, even if you’ve just fed them, they swim up to the side of the tank and open and shut their little fish mouths, acting like they’re STARVING TO DEATH.
but they can’t fool me.
fish are nice and peaceful creatures, but i definitely wouldn’t want fish for pets. i mean, do they really even classify as pets, anyway? you can’t pet them, there’s no interaction except for feeding them and then they act like they’re starving anyway. you can’t let a fish sleep in the bed with you. i consider fish more like decoration, really. something soothing and pretty...i think a nice fountain does about the same thing, and there’s not nearly as much care and feeding involved.
pretty much no feeding is necessary for a fountain, as a matter of fact.
ok, i hope your friday is full of goodness, ditto for the weekend, etc. i don’t have too many plans, but that’s ok by me.
grace
Feb. 24, 2005
things on thursday night
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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11:25 pm
I was starting to listen to dave brubeck’s “time out,” but decided it was just a little…busy. Too much energy for right now. So instead I put on a cd that may or may not have been a gift. Either that, or I’ve accidentally stolen it. It’s some truly lovely piano music.
Today has been both good and bad. Good, because for some reason my mood has been pretty darn good. This was a refreshing and delightful change, and I’d like more days like this.
Bad, because I injured myself.
But I injure myself quite a lot, so this is nothing new. But it’s a little bit challenging to give massages when I’m in quite a bit of pain. I’ve just self-medicated myself, and who knows, maybe I’ll sleep through the night, and I’ll feel all better tomorrow.
I broke my toe once, and that was really awful because I couldn’t exercise for six weeks. I’m always running into walls and things, so I always have at least a couple of bruises.
And sometimes I hurt myself when working out. Like today. Yesterday I decided it was finally time to GET SERIOUS ABOUT WEIGHT-LIFTING. Because if I don’t, my bones will become brittle eventually, and they’ll break, and that will be very, very bad.
Realistically, I must note, that this would probably never, ever happen, because I’ve always been a huge fan of all dairy products. I feel that my bones are very heavy and dense.
But anyway, yesterday I started with lower body weight-lifting. It went Ok. Today I did upper body, and it went kind of OK, except I had more energy this morning so I was more vigorous. I then went to hang up something in my locker and I stretched and a little muscle in my back went “sprooooiiinnnngggg.” Ow. At first, the pain was so bad that it was difficult to take a deep breath. I’ve been taking painkillers all day, and right now the pain is only somewhat annoying.
I almost launched into a philosophical discourse on physical vs. emotional pain, but you can imagine what I’d have to say about it, so I’ll skip that for now. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.
Here’s one good AND bad thing about today – I took a nap. I was so happy to take a real, true nap, one that lasted more than 13 minutes, which is all I had time for on Saturday afternoon. This was a delicious, totally satisfying 40 minute nap. It was so quiet here in the middle of the day, so nice to just fall asleep. When I woke up, I couldn’t believe I’d slept that long.
I felt great. So energized, and when 4:30 in the afternoon rolled around, the time when I’m usually ready to sleep, I was, instead, very energetic.
The downside to this is sleeping through the night. I’ve been having a hard enough time doing it without a real nap, but now how will I ever sleep tonight? I do feel tired, at least, so that’s something. Interesting, though, that 4:30 a.m. is the time I always wake up. There’s something about those 4:30 times. Last night I woke up at 4:30 and was awake for about an hour and a half.
Here’s something funny – while drying my hair at the Fit Club this morning, these women next to me were having a long discussion about…not being able to sleep. One said she woke up at three and couldn’t sleep, so she finally started reading, and she finally went back to bed at five, but then she didn’t want to get up at eight.
Does ANYBODY sleep through the night? My friend Kate says she does. But if all these people are up in the middle of the night, maybe we should start doing something. For one thing, we could call each other. But on the other hand, I don’t know how coherent I’d be at 4:30 in the morning. But I FEEL darned wide awake.
It seems we could be doing something more productive than talking on the phone, though. Something worthwhile. Maybe I should clean. Maybe I should volunteer for some all-night hotline. But the problem is that I wouldn’t want to have to be awake all night, just from about 4:30 till 6 or so.
So, a both good and bad day. Much, much better than an all-bad day. Not so bad to be living here in the now.
Ok then,
Very zenful grace
Feb. 23, 2005
life lesson #21
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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11:12 pm
This is from Gil’s book, “How to Be Happy, dammit” (which I still have, although I’m not STEALING it, I’m going to give it back, because otherwise that would be STEALING HAPPINESS):
Life Lesson #21 says you have to live in the NOW. As opposed to dwelling on the past or worrying/hoping for the future. Very good advice; as I’ve said before, this little book is chock full of pearls of wisdom. Everybody needs a copy, just like EVERYBODY needs a massage, at least a short one, on a daily basis. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if that happened?
I’m SO trying to live in the now, right now. OK, here’s a perfect example of how thinking about the future doesn’t necessarily pan out: you may recall that I wrote just this afternoon about my anticipated bliss at eating the Cadbury Crème Egg in my car.
I was quite ecstatic to finally get out to my car and unwrap the foil…and it was an inferior Cadbury Crème Egg. They CAN be mouthwateringly delicious (although I must admit I’d forgotten how very VERY sweet they really are), but only if they’re fresh.
I suspect the Cadbury Crème Egg I snarfed down was perhaps from last Easter. Just not up to snuff.
So, according to Life Lesson #21, I shouldn’t have been hoping for that Egg after all, and that way, I wouldn’t be disappointed. This sounds like a Buddhist thing, doesn’t it? Although I doubt that Buddhist monks eat a lot of Cadbury Crème Eggs. Perhaps they should start. If I knew any Buddhist monks, I’d give them one.
I lived all the rest of my day, and finally got home, exhausted, ready for bed…and there was a container of organic chocolates on the counter (I find it best to never question where all the goodies come from – God, perhaps?). I tried one, and THAT was Nirvana. Found without seeking it. Just happened upon it, no anticipation, no hope, just…there it was.
The only downside being that I felt the need to try three or four of them, which might impede my sleep which I CRAVE. Too much sugar and caffeine at this time of night.
I’ve been thinking about auditioning for a summer musical, and tonight I practiced the song I’d sing.
I’d forgotten that aspect of singing a song – the singing part.
Randy kept saying, “you could SELL that song, you just have to practice. You’re be GREAT in the role.” Randy’s usually not an optimistic fellow, but I felt that he was suddenly making up for his usual pessimism. I’ve started having second thoughts about auditioning, because it could be very stressful/humiliating/agonizing.
I’m sure there’s a life lesson in the happiness book that addresses this. It could be #18, “Relax and Enjoy the Ride.” Or maybe it’s Life Lesson #10, “Fear stops you from getting what you really want/need.”
It’s a marvelous little book, I tell you, and I think everybody needs to read it. But anyway, I don’t think either of these lessons pertains to me. It’s not fear that I have exactly, it’s more the inevitability of knowing what the sound will sound like that comes out of my mouth. I’m just being realistic.
We’ll just see what happens. Meanwhile, I’m attempting to relax and enjoy the ride, I promise.
My good friend Paul e-mailed me today. I haven’t heard from him in a while; he came to visit a couple of summers ago and we went out on the pontoon boat and had a very nice time. He taught a stand-up comedy class I took in LA, and now he’s doing stand-up on the east coast and on cruise ships, and has a place in NYC. Quite exciting. He might come out to visit. And, hmm, wasn’t I just writing about wanting to go to New York? And now, unexpectedly, I’d have a place to stay…
Life Lesson #25 – “nothing in this universe is random.” Hmm.
The day is ending on a much happier note than it started with. Life Lesson #4, “Happiness is not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond to what happens. You must always leave room for hope that all has happened for a good cause.”
Ok then. I certainly don’t believe ALL has happened for a good cause, because sometimes inexplicably horribly bad things happen, but by and large (who thought that up, anyway, “by and large?”), I do think that plenty of things happen for a good cause, one that one doesn’t necessarily see right away.
All right then, enough already,
Wiser and wiser grace
(soon to be a sage, or perhaps a Buddhist monk)
nirvana
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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2:18 pm
the day has been going ok. marginally ok. not that great. no particular reason, just a general feeling of blueness.
i realized i needed something to boost my spirits. some bit of hope and happiness, something to make me quit walking around with an inward scowl (ouwtardly, smile still plastered on my face).
and then i went to walgreen’s, to buy a new pair of headphones. I use the headphones when i run on the treadmill at the fit club, and i’ve spent almost as much money on headphones as i have on hands-free things for my cell phone. but while i either break/lose the hands-free things, sometimes they’ve also just quit working, self-destructed for no reason. With the headphones, i just lose them. i’ve been without headphones for a couple of weeks now, because i kept feeling that they’d magically re-appear. this works sometimes, and they show up in unexpected place. but this time i was serious about finding them, even took all the shoes out of my closet, hoping the headphones were there.
all i found out was that i have too many shoes. the shoes in the closet are just the shoes in storage; there are a lot of sandals there, some cowboy boots, a couple of other pairs of boots, plus the recent addition of my toe shoes. the shoes i actually wear are hanging on a big rack.
too many shoes. while digging around in there, i did decide to get rid of one pair of flip-flops, but that wasn’t much of a space-saver. MUST GET RID OF MORE SHOES.
anyway, i got myself a new pair of headphones (AND I’M GOING TO KEEP MY EYES ON THEM ALL THE TIME SO THEY’RE NEVER OUT OF MY SIGHT), and there, by the register...Nirvana. in the form of Cadbury Creme Eggs.
some people find the cadbury CE’s too sweet. But i adore them. very chocolatey, with that very thick chocolate shell, and all creamy and sweet inside, the cream that looks like an egg. a little odd, maybe, but quite delicious, the perfect food for a serious serious sugar/chocolate fiend like me.
there are other cadbury eggs, like caramel ones, but that’s too much like one of those caramel-filled candy bars. i’m a Cadbury Creme Egg purist, myself.
i’m sitting here at Panera, and i forgot to bring my Cadbury Creme Egg in with me, but i know it’s waiting out in the car. something to look forward to.
that’s all i need to be happy, something to look forward to. granted, i could buy myself a whole tub of CCE’s, theoretically looking forward to them...but it wouldn’t be the same. for one thing, i’d eat them all right away. i learned this one easterish time. i wonder when easter is this year, anyway. there are a couple of ministers sitting at the table next to mine; i could lean over and ask them. one is young and cute. but they seem quite engrossed in church-type chat. it’s funny, but when i came in, i noticed the young-n-cute one, and i thought, “i bet he’s a minister.” that would be my ESP. i need to work on my ESP; it would be a nice thing to have on a more regular basis.
here’s a link to some photos of my show, which i’m sorry if you missed, because it was SO GOOD...
"you can’t take it with you"
and, as a matter of fact, here are some of the photos taken backstage...this is my family in the play - felicia and mike coulter, and erica smith. Even though erica and i AREN’T related, we are in spirit. plus i’d like to be adopted by felicia and mike, even though i have perfectly great parents of my own.
here’s my friends Kate and Beverly. I’ve known Kate for a very long time; she’s very talented plus she’s sweet and funny and all-around good. i just met Beverly, and i’m glad to know her.
and here’s me with Brett Rutherford, who played my husband, Ed, in the play. Brett is a very sweet guy, who shared his tater tots with me one night at the Barrelhead. if that isn’t true love, i don’t know what is.
maybe next time i’ll show you some more photos.
ok then,
grace anticipating bliss
Feb. 22, 2005
volleyball madness
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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12:00 pm
after giving many, many massages yesterday, last night i attended my niece’s final volleyball game of the season. she’s in 7th grade, but she gets to play on the 8th grade team, i guess because she’s so good.
one problem with volleyball is the noise level. there’s a whole lot of whistle blowing, plus a loud horn sounds every once in a while. not to mention the large amount of cheering and whooping the girls themselves do in order to get even more excited about running around trying to hit the ball over the net.
they played best two out of three, and unfortunately they won the first game but lost the second, so we were there till about one in the morning. one of the girls, an 8th grader, is 6' 1". i can’t imagine what that must be like. i mean, besides always being able to see over a crowd, which must be nice. but i bet there are all kinds of issues with being a 13 year-old girl who’s 6'1". i had plenty of issues as a 13 year-old, and it seems that if you’re 13, there are bound to be things.
the funny thing is, just watching these girls, it was easy to imagine what they’d be like as adults. one girl, who looked kind of snotty, repeatedly would just be standing there as the ball landed on the court right next to her. she would invariably, each time, start yelling at some other girl who also didn’t get the ball. clearly, she has issues, and i wouldn’t want to see her at age 30.
today is more peaceful. nothing too taxing, except relieving people’s stress here at the hospital. i did quite a bit of stress-relieving, which made me feel good.
the greyness continues outside, so i’ll spend the rest of my day avoiding that altogether.
ok then,
interior grace
Feb. 21, 2005
one more thing
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12:02 pm
yesterday afternoon, after the show, we had to tear the set down. mostly men were running around with tools, prying things up and ripping them apart and stuff. the guy in charge gave me a screwdriver and instructed me to pry staples out of the many set pieces lying on the floor. this wasn’t the worst job in the world, except that my mother and sister in the play dropped their set piece on my back, which made me a little leery about continuing with the set-tearing-down. luckily it was very lightweight so i wasn’t injured.
my sister in the play, erica, and i decided we wanted to ride down to the basement on the moving orchestra pit, and that was a little bit fun and something i’d never done before. it moved really slowly, but i was looking forward to going back up.
problem is, they were taking lots of pieces of wood down to the scene shop below, and the men with us expected erica and me to help carry the big pieces of wood into the scene shop. they were working quickly, and at one point a guy vigorously shoved a piece of wood across the floor, and i had to jump in order to not get hit, so at that point erica and i decided to slink out and walk back up stairs.
after that, we loitered around a while and watched the very enthusiastic and hard-working men continue to work, and then we ate pizza. i felt a brief twinge of guilt at not helping more, but i figured that none of those men had just had to leap around the stage for a long period of time, so they all had more energy than me anyway. plus, i was pretty sure that if i’d kept helping, bodily injury would have happened to me, and if my leg or arm is broken, i can’t very well give massages.
that is all for now.
grace
monday morning, PRESIDENTS DAY
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11:55 am
President’s Day? Presidents' Day? Presidents Day? I pick “B,” because isn’t it some sort of celebration of more than one president’s birthday?
And where’s the presidents' birthday cake?
Ice cream cake sounds good right about now, although i always find it disappointing. Maybe i’ll have to make an ice cream cake myself sometime to see if i can make one that would live up to my expectations. But somebody should be serving a nice chocolate cake with chocolate icing, don’t you think, to celebrate these birthdays of presidents? maybe they’re dishing it out over at Lincoln’s home.
well, the play is over. the week looms ahead of me. it’s apparently going to be in the low 40’s all week, and i assume it’ll be grey and dreary, so i’m not even going to think about the weather, i’ll just avoid it. it’s a little sad that the play is over, but then again, not so much. i’ll miss the aerobic workout every night, the opportunity to dance around like crazy and think up different silly “ballet” moves. but then again, i still have the toe shoes, so i can really dance anytime i feel like it. i had to give the tutu back, which was a little sad, but then again, if i really feel the need for a tutu of my own, i’m sure i could make one for about five dollars.
when my sister saw the play on saturday night, she said she wants a tutu, too. it was quite fashionable, i must admit, plus of course it goes well with any outfit.
i’ll miss some of the people in the play, but on the other hand, i’ll be seeing them soon, i know.
my friend thad just bought a house. actually, my old boyfriend scott also just bought a house, how funny. thad and scott and i have known each other for quite a while now, and i don’t think we’ve ever had such a high percentage of house-ownership between us. i’ve been invited to both of their new houses, which i’ll do at some point, but not today because i’m sure the airports are quite crowded with all the presidents' day revelers.
i’m thinking about buying my own house, as a matter of fact, but i can’t do that today, either. i have to wait till i decide whether to buy, or to find a really cheap apartment, which would make me feel that i’m still free to move to Paris if i want to. Paris, france, that is, not paris illinois. thad claims i NEED TO BUY A HOUSE, that it’ll grow and grow in value, and if i decide to move to paris, or washington d.c. or wherever, i could always rent it or sell it.
it all sounds very complicated, that’s all.
fortunately, since today is a holiday (but why am i working all day, then?), i don’t have to decide anything right this minute.
whew.
positive thoughts, positive thoughts...
ok then,
hard-working grace
Feb. 19, 2005
saturday
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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5:09 pm
whew. i thought i was tired last week before the show. but now, i’m really REALLY tired. i’m sitting at my sister’s salon, waiting for my pin curls. i rushed to get here, but somehow every street i turned down had a red light, and it seemed to take forever. but she’s not ready for me yet.
what a strange week. at least i quit saying “it couldn’t get worse.” but i’m starting to worry about the bad things that have happened to those i love. so far, 2005 has been very, very rough, not just for me but for people i care about.
here’s one thing i worry about - people always say that “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” and they also say you’re not given more shitty stuff than you can handle.
but the problem is that bad things keep happening, and so therefore i must be stronger and stronger and STRONGER all the time. but then doesn’t that mean that i’m going to have to deal with worse and worse things, because i’m getting stronger and stronger? will i get more and more painful/difficult things to deal with constantly? God, i don’t even want to write those words, because i don’t want to contemplate that.
enough, please. ready for some good times.
good times and warm weather - a grey, dreary day all day, then it started snowing, and now it’s freezing rain.
uncle.
on a bright note, i didn’t eat ALL the pizza at the cast party last night. but there was lots and lots of pizza. also, the guy who plays grandpa, ron, brought homemade chocolates, which is funny because in the play i’m always making chocolates. so i had to eat several of them, because i didn’t want to be rude.
polite, i’ve always been very polite. especially when it comes to forcing myself to eat chocolate.
we talk about all kinds of food in the play, including blintzes, frankfurters, watermelon, and pickled pigs feet. at tonight’s party they’re going to serve many of the these items, except the pickled pigs feet. whose idea was that, pickling the pigs feet? did somebody have some pickling sauce left over from making pickles, and they said, “hey, let’s pickle these leftover pigs feet we got lying around!”
last night the woman who plays olga, beverly, brought two pans of blintzes. the other ron, who plays mr. kirby, ate one of them before they’d been heated up in the oven. he plays a very stuffy upper-crust kind of guy in the show, but i told him that his character would never, ever eat cold blintzes.
ok, so here’s how i’m going to try to combat the onslaught of bad stuff - i’m going to try to think more positive thoughts. i think we should all try that. whenever i start burrowing down in the feelings of badness, i’ve been trying to shift that away to thinking about the good. because life is about how you react to the things that happen to you, right? AND, maybe the huge outpouring of positive energy from me will HELP THINGS TO BE BETTER.
so that’s what i’m doing. right now, even though i’m ridiculously tired, i’m going to sit here and think about good. good good good.
just one quick good thought before i sign off - amy has lots of mini chocolates all over her salon, and there are not one but TWO bowls of them sitting right here next to me. so, clearly, life is good.
positive thoughts.
ok ok ok,
happy grace
p.s. i only meditated one day in a row this week, but i promise i’ll do better next week, because i KNOW that meditating will change my world. if i ever manage to do it more than one day in a row.
Feb. 18, 2005
friday
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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12:23 pm
awoke at 3, after going to sleep at midnight. WHY, i ask you, WHY??? torturous. i must nap today in order to have energy to pirouette badly tonight, but i feel i’m going to run out of time. my top priority is to make chocolate chip cookies for the cast party tonight.
my friend gary always made perfect-looking chocolate chip cookies. the kind you’d see in a magazine photo of the perfect specimen of CCC’s. mine never look like that. the thing is, i’m all about the soft CCCookies, and so i never let them bake all the way, so they end up being pretty flat, usually. also, i’m generally in a huge huge hurry when baking them, so i don’t have time for them to cool before scraping them off the cookie sheet, and then they’re usually not only very flat, but also quite misshapen.
sometimes people have commented upon my ill-formed cookies. but i notice that’s never stopped anybody from snarfing them all down.
i hesitate to bake cookies with others. once my friend kelly and i baked them together, and she insisted that they stay in the oven a very long time, because she likes them crunchy. “burned” is how i’d describe them. it seems un-American, liking crunchy CCCookies. We compromised and made some burned and some quasi-cooked. this worked out ok. (mine were eaten first. even i ate the burned ones when mine were gone, because even a burned CCC is better than none at all).
this morning at the hospital, a family walked down the hall. in front was a little kid carrying a gigantic plastic tub of cheese puffs. i mean, GIGANTIC, it was almost as big as the kid. they were going somewhere to wait for somebody to have surgery, and i know they won’t run out of cheese puffs.
I’m sure he got them at Sam’s. If you don’t live in a place where there’s a Sam’s Club, it’s like Costco or any one of those cavernous warehouse-type stores that you have to have a membership card to get into, and they sell everything in ENORMOUS quantities.
i, personally, don’t have a Sam’s card, so when i get to go there with somebody who has one, it’s a real treat. the last time i was there, it was quite exciting for me. i just like looking at all those huge huge things; it’s like getting a peek inside a giant’s grocery store. plus, i was there with somebody who was very cavalier about the huge-thing purchasing, and soon our cart was loaded with all kinds of enormous things. quite thrilling, and a fun diversion on a saturday morning.
this as opposed to an old boyfriend i had, who was a little obsessed about the giant stores. this was in LA, and there, the stores were always stuffed with people all the time. big large people waddling along pushing their big huge carts, shuffling and taking up all the aisle. the worst thing is that my old boyfriend walked down EVERY SINGLE AISLE, stopping to look at almost EVERY SINGLE ITEM. shopping was a serious and weighty endeavor for him, and after about two or three hours of it, i’d lose my mind completely and would have run screaming from the store if i’d been able to push all the huge people out of the way. my boyfriend didn’t usually buy much of anything, he just like examining everything closely. he was an engineer. he designed antennas for space ships or rockets or something kind of hush-hush. i think his brain was just way way way too different from mine. he was a very nice fellow, but i couldn’t envision spending the rest of my life being trapped in Costco with him.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 17, 2005
Ultimate Nachos
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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11:50 pm
one more photo:
Rehearsal was good - fast, anyway. we didn’t start on time because i was five minutes late. the director, john, called me at 7:03 and i yelled into the phone, “I’M SORRY AND I’M DRIVING 50 DOWN MONROE STREET!” so then he couldn’t very well be mad at me, since i was making such a concerted effort/risking life-n-limb, to get to rehearsal on time.
we went to the Lime Street Cafe afterwards, a few of us, and john and i split Ultimate Nachos. they are, indeed, ultimate. the platter they arrived on was as big as a...well, as a gigantic platter, heaped with the ultimate in nachos.
i ate too many of them. i couldn’t resist - i feel that this might have been the first time i’ve actually boldly ordered the nachos.
They were delicious.
i also had two glasses of wine, but they were incidental.
it’ll seem funny doing the show again tomorrow night. tonight i was slightly tired, because of all the exercising earlier in the day. somehow i’d thought the rehearsal wouldn’t involve so much jumping around, but i did do quite a bit of it. nobody to blame but myself.
i think tomorrow night’s performance will seem more real again, because of the costumes and the ballet shoes and the pin curls. i must say that the ballet was infinitely easier in tennis shoes instead of ballet shoes.
whew. hopefully i’ll sleep all night tonight, even though i ate a few hundred too many nachos.
i’m getting a little weary of being wide awake for a couple of hours, in the middle of the night. and it’s making me a little weary, too.
ok then,
grace
Thursday!
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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6:22 pm
Gee, where has the week gone? Thursday already, i need to get back into play-mode. i’d decided that i don’t know what i’ll do when it’s over, but i haven’t really thought about it much while i’ve been away. i haven’t even thought about my lines or anything, but luckily they mostly consist of things like, “gee, i hope he’s good-looking!” or “Is he good-looking?” or “and he was so good-looking!” I say a few more other forgettable things, too, but it’s really all about the stellar ballet dancing. i’m going to post another photo tonight, but only theoretically.
yesterday was huge for me, HUGE, because i did my taxes. i’ve been having much anxiety about the prospect of doing them, afraid that i’d owe hundreds of dollars more (because i have my own business, no taxes are ever taken out, so last year i had to estimate how much i owed and had to painfullly keep sending them big checks throughout the year).
it took longer than i thought it would - three hours - but i was quite pleased with the results. turns out i’m going to get a little bit of money back, which is a relief. but then i have to pay more money for my IL taxes, but still, things are good.
But then, today, i went to the tax place where i went last year where they looked at what i’d done and approved it. I went into the place, thinking it was the same place - it looked the same, it smelled the same, like lots and lots of stale cigarettes - but it wasn’t the same. that place went out of business. i mean, the sign outside was the same. very deceptive.
the guy who looked at my return kept telling me that they should do the return for me (BUT I JUST DID IT MYSELF!), it wouldn’t cost too much, and he could save me lots of money, PLUS he’d tell me a magic way to run my business differently so i can save hundreds of dollars this year.
He was like a used car salesman. some of what he said might have been true, but i just didn’t like him. also, he was greasy, and he had a large ugly brown mole on his face, and i couldn’t imagine having to spend one minute of time conferring about money-saving advice while looking at that mug.
not that i’m shallow. but the used-car salesman approach was the most annoying thing, and i got out of there quick and called my friend randy, who keeps telling me that he has a very nice tax guy, who has a cute butt.
cute butts are not really critical on my list of qualifications in a tax-prep person, but i know it means a lot to randy.
anyway, at least i did it, i finished them. whew. by the time i was done with my cypherin' and figurin', i was exhausted, my heart racing, my forehead pounding.
i can’t tell you how great it was to feel that about doing taxes, instead of personal crises.
i spent a few hours at panera today, where i was engaged in some “let’s help grace feel better now”-type activities. who knew that panera could be such a bastion of good and positive-ness? it was, let me just say that.
i have a pickup rehearsal tonight, which will probably be pretty darn quick, and i’ll be able to see if i remember my lines or not. and then only three more shows, and then what? then what?
many things, miss smith, many things.
I meditated again yesterday. now my goal is to try to do it more than one day in a row. i feel that any alleged cumulative effects will take more than just doing it once, randomly, every week or so.
today, meditation-like, i worked out for a good long time at the fit club. lots of weights - i may be pretty darn sore tomorrow.
yesterday, i was trudging up the stairmaster, and this guy got on the machine next to me. he started in, huffing and puffing, and then he was trying to be all fancy on the stairmaster. he kept walking sideways, and he even tried going up the steps BACKWARDS, which seemed so completely moronic to me, and i hoped he’d fall off.
The worst thing, though, was that every time he’d start in on the sidestepping, he kept BREATHING on me. Talk about invading my personal space!
QUIT BREATHING ON ME, i wanted to yell at him. but of course i didn’t, because while at the fit club i try to wear my invisibility cloak, and if i interact with anybody, then they’ll see me for sure.
As i staggered to the women’s locker room after 45 minutes of sweating a lot, a guy came out of the men’s locker room. kind of cute, i observed, breaking down on my strict “never look at anybody” policy which goes nicely with my invisibility cloak. But as he passed, i realized - HE WAS THE DEEP BREATHER!
hmm, just proves that maybe a man might clean up nice, but you really need to climb the stairmaster next to him to find out his true personality.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 16, 2005
wednesday
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grace@graceuncensored.com
@
11:19 am
i just got done giving chair massages at the hospital. i gave massages to a guy who liked it a lot. then he said “that was like a lapdance in reverse.” hmmm. i thanked him, because i didn’t exactly know how to respond, and i definitely didn’t want to ask him what he meant by that.
he did mention to his wife that he’d like to take me home with him, and although i’ve decided to always say yes when people say that, i decided against it this time. prudent.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 15, 2005
The day after VD
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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10:23 pm
photo of me in my 1st scene costume:
Whew, made it through that alive. I mean, I knew I would, but still. 363 more days till the next one, which I am sure will be better than this one. I’m just going to say that right now, I’m sure of it. Just putting it out there, so that fate and destiny and all of that has time to line things up to ensure the happiness quotient for my VD 2006. A big box of fine chocolates, a plethora of roses, and lots and lots of deep love, that’s all I ask for. Thank you. The chocolates and roses are optional.
Today I’ve had an overabundance of emotions. Pretty much all the emotions a person could have, I’ve experienced. Compactly, all in one day. No need to spread them out over any length of time, just get them over with on Tuesday. I feel that tomorrow I’ll be filled with equanimity, just because I used up all the emotions today.
Right now, though, I’m feeling pretty mellow. What a beautiful, glorious day it was – 60°, I believe, and sunny. I ran around Washington Park, not once but twice. Four and a half miles, said Jim. Wowie. I’m mellow because I’m pretty sure I’ll sleep well tonight. Lots of hills in Washington park. There weren’t too many people there, because I ran at about 1:30 in the afternoon, and most people were busy working. I did encounter people walking their very nice doggies, which sort of made me want a dog of my own. But on the other hand, a dog seems like a whole lot of responsibility, which I’m generally opposed to, plus I don’t want to have to pick up a dog’s poop.
Tonight I went to the relatively new Thai restaurant, the Banana Leaf, and it was OK. Nothing to write home about. I suddenly, desperately, wanted to go to the Gateway of India, but it’s closed on Tuesdays. I don’t know when I’m going to have the opportunity to go there. It’s not so good for you; I’m pretty sure most things are cooked in a large amount of butter, but it’s delicious.
I also really, really want to go to this Indian restaurant in New York city. It’s called Dawat, it’s on the upper east side, and it’s owned by Madhur Jaffey. Jaffrey? She wrote the Indian cookbooks that I use, and the restaurant is divine. I was only there once, with Christine and her old boyfriend Hunter (see yesterday’s reference about being jaded). Christine and Hunter fought through most of the meal, as I recall, but I didn’t care in the slightest. I was in heaven, eating the marvelous food. I wish I had a trip to New York planned for the near future. Eventually, I’ll get back there. Maybe when the weather is warmer.
Here’s something funny about my friend Gil, who went to India one time. He’s a grade school principal, and I think it was some kind of principal program or something. He hates Indian food, and he said the food was horrible there, way too hot and bad. I think it would be exciting to go to India and have the real McCoy, but he felt differently. He said he went to the Gateway of India a while back, even though he’d hated it before. And he hated it again. I asked him why he’d gone back if he hated it the first time, and he said, “I thought maybe it would have changed.”
That made me laugh pretty hard. Gil isn’t a very adventurous eater, but that’s the only bad quality I’ve found in him. And it’s not really so much a bad quality, it’s more an idiosyncrasy. He’s certainly a great ballet teacher. Taught me everything I know.
One more weekend of the play. I’ll miss it. I’m thinking about auditioning for another one. And when am I going to start working on “Gracetalk 3?” And I’ve decided I want to write a play. Busy busy busy. I must sleep now, so I’ll be well-rested for the many upcoming activities.
Ok then,
grace
Feb. 14, 2005
VD 2005, plus other random thoughts
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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10:28 pm
One year, my friend Christine had a VD party. It wasn’t an anti-Valentine’s Day party, she remembers, it was more of an over-the-top celebration of the absurdity of the holiday, plus the fact that VD also stands for Venereal Disease, and how the two could easily be intertwined. Or enmeshed, as the case may be. By the way, “enmeshed” is NOT spelled “immeshed,” which is what I thought it was, but it wasn’t. Enmeshed means entangled, trapped or ensnared. Not to talk down to you or anything.
Anyway, VD Party. I didn’t attend this party, and to this day I’m sad I missed it. She had many games, including one that sounded quite amusing – she cut out paper hearts and wrote down statistics about different venereal diseases on them. Everybody was given a heart when they came in the door, and there was a quiz later to see who remembered the most things on their card.
What could be more fun at a party than a quiz, and one about VD, for pete’s sake?
Too bad I couldn’t get a job taking quizzes. I like quizzes, because it’s something I’ve mastered. Starting with spelling tests, I can do pretty well on any test, frequently even though I have NO IDEA about the subject at hand.
For example: when I was a freshman in college, I had to take chemistry. Not hard-core chemistry, but chemistry for liberal arts majors. Fluff chemistry.
Except for me, even fluff chemistry was hard. There were many things I couldn’t comprehend. But when we had to take the tests, I just memorized everything. I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but I found that if I memorized everything, somehow the stuff I’d memorized would fit into the answers.
This was actually the way it was in the college math class I had to take, now that I think of it. I had geometry in high school, and loved it because I could grasp it, which was a monumental accomplishment for me. But then I stopped, no pre-calculus or whatever you were supposed to have next.
So the college math class was the class that immediately follows the one I never had. It was the lowest-level class offered, and I had absolutely no idea of what was going on, ever, because I’d missed a very critical year of information.
I also got A’s on those tests. Every week, my roommate Lynn would give me a little tutorial called “The Meaning of Math.” We got a study guide that had the same types of questions as the ones on the actual test. Lynn would slowly explain the key concepts for each problem, and I’d figure it out enough to do it. All semester, learning absolutely nothing, got an A in the class.
But back to Valentine’s Day – it’s not to say that Christine and I are jaded about the holiday. But if we WERE jaded, either of us could quickly give you a list of the persons who made each of us that way. Yes, I’m talking to you, you know who you are and what you did to feed our jaded-ness. Heart-breaking in many different forms. We weren’t BORN jaded, I assure you. I’m sure I’ve written that I planned on marrying my first boyfriend and living happily ever after. Not jaded back then, I tell you. The funny thing is, that man went from being the reason I wasn’t jaded, because nobody had ever broken my heart before, to the first man that started me on my rocky path to jadedism.
That doesn’t look quite right. Jaded-ism, perhaps. Yes, that’s better.
This afternoon, a girl from the SJ-R interviewed me about being a teenager. I had told her I’d probably be a bad interviewee because I have a horrible memory and I didn’t do much of anything when I was a teenager. She was very nice, and only a freshman, and her dad was in my class at Springfield High School. This was slightly shocking. And even more than that – he married his high school sweetheart! He got married at NINETEEN, and, now this is the real shocker – they’re still married. “Are they happy?” I asked her. I realized this probably wasn’t an appropriate question to ask a Freshman in high school. She assured me that they’re happy. Amazing, truly amazing. Good for you people. Perhaps you should write a book about how you’ve been able to get along all these years. Or maybe you should become speakers on the topic, I bet you could make a fortune going around to different towns and having seminars on how to get along.
Lately, women I know who are married, and have been married for quite a while, say to me “it’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” or “be glad to be single.” Maybe I’ve written about this before, but married women are talking about this topic a lot, and why don’t I ever read about it? But even though maybe these women really feel this way, I have to believe that sometimes people are married and they continue to like each other. My friends Felicia and Mike in the play, they clearly enjoy each other’s company. This is a refreshing sight.
Right now I’m listening to a new CD I bought, by the Ray Brown Trio. It’s called “some of my best friends are…guitarists,” and different guitarists play on the different tracks, which are quite lovely.
Anyway, Valentine’s Day. No, let’s not talk about it, OK? Let’s just not go there. I mean, if you’re dying to know my thoughts on the matter, write to me and I’ll be glad to tell you.
I was going to write about Valentine’s Day Etiquette, particularly as it pertains to me, but I decided against it. Actually, I deleted it. I did have some very specific things I wished to address, but I decided this isn’t the proper forum after all.
My friend Thad just reminded me about the old cartoon, “Underdog.” Do you remember it? He’d take a Super Energy Pill, which would give him strength to save the day. I wonder if you can buy old episodes of Underdog anywhere. I bet you can find them online.
Whew. 364 days till next Valentine’s Day. I’m not saying it couldn’t be any worse, because I no longer utter those words. Because it most certainly could be much worse. But I can ask that please, I’d like it to be better.
I PROMISE that tomorrow I’m going to post some photos of my show. I don’t have a lot of them yet, but more will follow.
Ok then,
Grace
Feb. 13, 2005
sunday
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grace@graceuncensored.com
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10:53 am
i woke up at 5:17 this morning, just lying there, not going back to sleep. i thought i’d get up and write on this site, but i then thought, no, you MUST GO BACK TO SLEEP.
i repeated this to myself over and over for the next couple of hours. i wasn’t doing a good job of listening to myself, not at all.
finally, i got out of bed at 8:30 so i could get my hair done. the only time my sister had to do it was at 9:30, so here i am at her salon, my hair neatly pin-curled and the rest of me sort of ready to collapse. will i be able to nap when i go home? i’ve never tried napping in the morning.
i was also very hungry this morning at 5:17, and i haven’t yet eaten anything. maybe some food would make me more alert.
last night some of the people in the cast went to the barrelhead. i decided i’d order myself some food, but then decided against it because it’d instantly make me balloon up. instead, i had a couple of drinks, and my husband in the play, Brett in real life, shared his tater tots with me. i kept saying, “thanks for sharing, husband.” it was really quite nice of him, as he probably save me from getting quite drunk on an unexpectedly large/strong margarita.
i didn’t stay out really late because i knew i had to get up early, and all the jumping around on stage is a little tiring, and i wanted to be alert. it would be bad if i passed out while executing one of my very professional ballet moves.
nap and food. food, for sure.
i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m not an early-morning person, nor a late-night person. i’m a get up at 8:00 person and go to bed at about 11, and maybe have a nap sometime during the day. i try to sleep in later, but i just can’t. and i just don’t like staying up till all hours anymore, and i don’t think i really ever did.
i once had a boyfriend who stayed up almost all night, till about 4 or five, and then he’d sleep till 11 or so. sometimes we wouldn’t start our evening till 10 or so. i never adjusted to staying up till 3. luckily, that relationship didn’t last terribly long, so i was able to be well-rested once again.
gee, grace, have you nothing at all to say this morning, and if not, what exactly are you writing for now anyway? i think my brain has gone off to another place without me, and i’m just trying to stay awake till my ride comes to take me home to food/napping.
it’s going to be a good show this afternoon, no matter what. i suspect there won’t be a lot of people in the audience since it’s the sunday matinee show, but we’ll do a good job anyway. i do know of at least one person who claims he’ll be there, and so i’m for sure not going to fall asleep on stage.
ok then,
grace not awake
Feb. 12, 2005
1:31 a.m.
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1:42 am
I never, ever stay up this late. We had our opening night, and it went really well, people laughed a lot. It was so much fun. Tonight I decided that I want to be in one play after another. I also realized why I like being in plays so much – it’s just a lot of fun, being somebody I’m not. I like it because I can, for a few lovely hours, quiet the crazy voices in my head, the ones that are constantly shouting at/nagging/whining at me about all kinds of things, all the time.
It’s so peaceful in a play. And exhilarating, and joyous. More joy, please. Tons of it, gobs of it…
It feels very strange to be up at now 1:36 a.m. will I ever be able to sleep late enough? I haven’t been able to stay in bed past 7:30, and that’s after waking up at 5 or five thirty and just lying there, wishing I could force myself to go back to sleep.
Tomorrow, I must sleep till at least 9:30. doesn’t seem like such a chore, but I’m sure I’ll feel differently in the morning.
Anyway, it was fun tonight. If you were there, I’m glad you could make it. If you weren’t, you really missed out. But there’s plenty of time left to see it.
Ok then, I’m going to enjoy sleeping now. Quite bit.
Grace
Feb. 10, 2005
napless
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11:00 am
all i wanted yesterday was a nap. but it was not meant to be.
i gave an hour and a half massage in the early afternoon, and then wanted to show my sister my lovely new massage space. i went to her salon, and she said, “why don’t we color your hair?” so we did that, and now it’s pretty darn bright. I told her they wanted me to have pin curls in my hair, and she demanded to know why she wasn’t doing my styling. i told her she was much, much too busy. after coloring my hair, she said she’d try one pin curl, and suddenly, she’d done it all.
they took a very long time to dry. she used great big professional hair clip things, so i realized that napping would be out of the question.
actually, much later, at almost six o'clock, i did attempt lying down. it was a little bit like lying on a bed of nails. only not the actually poking into my skull, but still, not comfortable in any way and sleep was out of the question.
rehearsal went quite well despite my fatigue. my hair looked great, too. mom came and took some pictures; a lot of them didn’t turn out because there just wasn’t enough light. but a few were good. i’m going to post them here later today when i’m home, but that won’t be for a while. i have many massages this afternoon, and then NO play practice tonight! this will be a nice break, but also slightly scary, because tomorrow night it might feel like we haven’t practiced in a very long time. but i’m sure it’ll be fine.
here’s a link to the story about the play in today’s paper. there’s a cover photo in the print version, and i’m in it. it’s too bad they couldn’t have used a smiling photo, but the one they chose is pretty funny.
http://www.sj-r.com/sections/ane/stories/47511.asp
a guy in the play, Gil, lent me a little book he has. it’s a funny little book with lots of photos and not too much text, and is called something like “how to be happy, damnit.” the messages in it are pretty simple, but good. lots of truths that i knew were true but haven’t thought about lately. it also talked a little about meditation. this is the second mention of meditation i’ve read in the past couple of weeks, so i think that’s a sign that i’d better get serious about doing it every day. i’m a little skeptical still about the magical ways in which it’s supposed to transform your outlook, your thinking, and your life in general, but i’m willing to give it a try.
i did do it this morning for 15 minutes, and it did seem to help still my heart, which has been racing much too fast for the past couple of days.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 09, 2005
wednesday
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10:37 am
the day before yesterday, a remarkably vivid image popped into my head, of a specific street in LA. I’ve walked down that street quite a bit; it’s in Santa Monica, close to the ocean, and it’s tree-lined and lovely. i thought about how much i’d love to live there.
weird thoughts have been popping into my head more than usual lately, it seems. can’t explain them.
not that i’m packing my bags and heading back to la anytime soon. there would be the slight problem of making a living there, plus i’d get fed up with the traffic - i’m getting fed up right now just thinking about it.
but it sure is warm and sunny and beautiful there. right now, i bet, as a matter of fact.
as opposed to the weather here - WHEN will the sun emerge? no wonder people are so depressed in alaska. well, i don’t actually know anybody who actually lives in alaska, but i’ve always read that people are more depressed there because of extreme lack of sun.
plus it snowed last night. Dad kept claiming that it was going to snow from one to three inches, but i didn’t believe him, and thank goodness he wasn’t right. but there’s enough snow on the ground to cover up the grass. some of the grass looks kind of green in places, by the way. i guess, really, the winter has been pretty darn mild. but still, enough already.
yesterday i was in the locker room at the fit club and a woman said to me, “i’d have made a horrible pioneer, because i sure do like my shower.” So right there, that’s something to be grateful for, the wide availibility of cleaning options.
i’m tired this morning. all i can think about is a nap, which i plan on taking this afternoon. rehearsal went ok last night, and i went to bed at a decent hour, but my sleep was plagued with all kinds of strange dreams, plus the tossing and the turning, and i got up too early. we’re having our dress rehearsal tonight, and the only obligation i have this afternoon is to put my hair in pin curls.
after i nap.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 07, 2005
my friends
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2:14 pm
I spent a lot of time this weekend with my friends Shadow, Nubie, and Noodle. Here they are:
monday
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2:04 pm
i’m here at panera, taking advantage of the free wifi. yet another invented word, certainly not as annoying as the word “blog.” but wifi is too much like hi-fi, in my opinion.
things are, well...fine. not fine, of course, but i do fool the people who i give chair massages to at the hospital. Today i was giving an old guy a massage and he said, “i’m gonna take you home with me!” and i said, “ok.” I’ve decided that whenever people want to take me home with them because of my magically restorative massages, i’m going to say yes. His wife leaned over and asked how the massage was, and he told her they’re going to take me home. She chuckled and said to me, “we’re dysfunctional.” I said, “who isn’t?”
I didn’t then burst into tears and tell her all about getting my heart broken, i just chuckled along with her. She told me she’d just learned the word dysfunctional. I wish i hadn’t been exposed to it a long time ago...
I moved my private massage business into my new office over the weekend. it took twice as long to complete as i thought it would, and the place is pretty tiny, but it looks fabulous. thanks especially to Randy, who helped turn it into a cozy and inviting space. i want to move in there, as a matter of fact. it’s just so warm and peaceful. there’s a kitchen in the suite of offices, too, so the only thing i’m missing is a shower.
i’ve been getting many sweets e-mails from people expressing their condolences for my various forms of loss. i really appreciate it, and it makes me feel that there may be a point to human beings, after all.
Play rehearsal ("you can’t take it with you," a Theatre Centre production at the Hoogland Arts Center) went remarkably well last night. i was going to look at my lines over the weekend (i don’t have lots of lines anyway), but i didn’t (i was extremely busy moping). but the play really clicked for the first time, and it’s going to be really good and funny. awfully old-fashioned, but it has a fantastic message, and it’s charming and fun. PLUS, i have a spectacular ballet costume that i get to wear near the end of the first act that is alone worth the price of admission.
We open this friday, february 11th, and it runs two weekends. there’s going to be a picture in the paper on thursday, but maybe i won’t be in it. the thing is, everybody in the cast forgot that the photographer was going to be there last week, and none of the women were wearing any makeup. me, i looked like hell - not only no makeup, but my hair was a wreck. maybe it’ll be a far-away photo.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 06, 2005
5:23 a.m.
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5:38 am
i woke up at 4:17, tossing and turning, and finally decided to get up for a while. why not? well, because i’d only been asleep for about five hours, that’s why not. i was hoping for a good, interrupted 9-10 hours of sleep last night. i don’t know why i keep deluding myself that something like this is actually possible, but i have this deep optimistic core of my being that usually does me wrong. one time i said i’m an optimistis pessimist, but there’s this retarded part of me that keeps telling me that things will work out all right. this despite the fact that this nutty optimistic self has been proven totally wrong time and time again. why can’t i learn, ever?
i called the woman who wrote to the IT wondering where I’d gone. I said i’d been fired. She expressed her sorrow, then said, hopefully, “do you still have the boyfriend?” I get asked that way too much. I said, nope, he broke up with me. She was very nice, and talked a lot about that whole “things can’t get worse” stuff.
i’m sure life will look more sunny after i sleep for as long as i can, and get up again.
see, there’s that damn optimism creeping up behind me again. damnitall. please just go back to sleep, miss smith.
good night.
grace smith
Feb. 05, 2005
FYI
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5:11 pm
OK, i just have to make one thing clear, then i won’t mention it again (probably): Somebody wrote a letter to the editor of the Illinois Times this week asking what happened to me, and the editor put in a little blurb that i have this website. But he neglected to say why i’m no longer with the paper. The editor fired me, claiming that nobody wanted to read my column anymore.
just so you know.
ok then,
grace
Feb. 04, 2005
perspective
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6:41 pm
My friend Erica said to me last night, “You’re brave, writing all that stuff on your blog.”
Certainly not brave. Foolish, yes. Not brave. Not foolish, I guess, either. Just me. I need to express myself, pretty much all the time. I can’t help it. I usually don’t wonder if anybody is really reading. I mean, it’d be nice if people were reading, but just being able to write this is something I have to do. I mean, I write anyway, so I might as well write it on the web. It’s sort of like my journal, except I have to post it. I have so many journals, in notebooks scattered all over the place. Years and years of them. The only difference between the journals and this site is that (1) this is legible, and (2) I don’t go on and on in here about how much I weigh/how much I want to weigh/how I need to lose weight. Because I know that’s very very boring (well, it did work for the that Fielding woman who wrote “bridget jones,” though, didn’t it?), and I don’t want everybody to know the full extent of what a nutcase I am. I must say, thought, that right now I’m exactly 3 ½ pounds heavier than my weight in high school, which is pretty good, and if I lost (when I lose) 9 pounds, I’d be at my perfect weight ever, and I’m sure my life would suddenly be perfect.
Ok, here’s the thing – is it this painful in everybody’s head? I know it’s much, much more painful in many people’s heads. Horrible, unspeakably bad things have happened to them, and their heads are filled with all kinds of dark thoughts and feelings. I don’t see how they cope.
But for most people, is it painful inside there? Because sometimes I find it to be quite unbearable, myself. And the worst part is, the worst part, I feel bad about something, and that makes me think even worse things, and pretty soon I’m just making the shit up, all the horrible, awful things that I can think of, and they spin out of control and suddenly whatever is troubling me is at least a million times worse than it really is, because I imagine so many awful things.
Except, of course, when things are worse than they appear, and then I find out, and then things really crumble. This has happened more times that necessary, certainly.
I’m staying at Amy and Jim’s house this weekend, watching their many animals. One of the dogs is lying on my leg as I type this, as a matter of fact. He’s a fairly spastic Italian greyhound (Italian greyhounds are fairly small), but at the moment he’s very mellow.
Yesterday afternoon, my mind was really spinning out of control. Not a good day, not at all. Too many conflicting emotions going on. So I came over to Amy and Jim’s, and I started cleaning. The more I cleaned, the more I kept cleaning, the more I cleaned. It was such a good thing to do at the time, all that frantic cleaning. When I came back last night after rehearsal, the place looked great. I didn’t even notice when I left in the afternoon, I just felt satisfied that I cleaned. Plus, I realize that a clean house doesn’t matter the slightest bit when you’re going through the kind of hell that Jim is, but at least it makes me feel like I’m doing something for them. I know that all that really matters is that their pets are well taken care of, and I am doing a good job of that, inasmuch as they don’t need lots of care, really. I give them a few extra treats, and they feel that their lives are perfect. They never, ever have to worry about being their perfect weight, they have no idea of the misery around them, they don’t let things in their head spin out of control so that they want to just run away. They’re perfectly content, chewing on rawhide bones, and on each other.
The play, “You Can’t Take it With You,” is going well, by the way. You should come see it. It opens next Frday night, February 11th, for two weekend at the Hoogland Center. Mom came to see one scene tonight, and she was impressed. That says a lot, believe me. If she doesn’t like something, she’s not afraid to say it. I grilled her about things I thought weren’t so good, but she was pleasantly surprised by how good she thought it was. Whew. This makes me happy. If the play was terrible, it wouldn’t be such a crushing blow to me, I’m just grateful to have someplace to go and be silly and get out of this head for a few hours every night. So it being good will be a bonus, icing on the cake.
Oh boy. I keep saying to myself, tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better.
Let’s hope.
Ok then,
Grace
Feb. 03, 2005
worse.
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12:09 pm
yesterday, after working out to the point of exhaustion (endorphins are truly wonderful things; is there a way to market/bottle them somehow?) at the fit club, i ran into one of my high school english teachers. Mrs. Neece, although i could call her Daria if that didn’t feel so brazen. She asked what had happened to my IT column, i said i was fired, and not only that, my boyfriend broke up with me, and quite frankly, things couldn’t be worse. She said, “don’t say that, they COULD be worse!”
She was frighteningly right.
Let me just say, if you’re new to the site, my purpose has been to amuse and entertain, not to ramble on about sad things. But my brain hasn’t been in a state to make light of things lately, and that’s just the way it is for now. I’m sure, i’m SURE, eventually, things will be more light-hearted, but right now, that’s just not happening.
i will never, ever say that things couldn’t get worse. because boy, can they ever.
i do have to say, though, that things certainly can get better. i know they must, surely, somehow get better.
eventually.
ok then,
grace
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