losing my mind

slippage

by grace on June 14, 2020

earlier this evening i thought, ok, i can do this, i can write on my site, i can do it…it’s been a while, but i’m making time, sitting down, getting something constructive done…

the weekend has been packed with physical exertion.

well, yesterday was, anyway. today was packed with sitting on the couch, mostly.

yesterday it was all about dropping, spilling, making messes…i picked up the giant container of olive oil that amy bought me from sam’s and proceeded to spill a flood of it onto the kitchen counter.

i can’t remember the other things i spilled/dropped, because also, memory going. i did spill a bunch of fake ice cubes all over the floor and hurriedly rinsing them off. also vegetables that i was furiously chopping. i know there were lots more things, but no recall, as i said.

and today…it was all about forgetting, misplacing. after i finally dragged myself off the couch at close to three in the afternoon, having just tried to figure out how to convert an HEIC formatted photo that i’d taken on my ipad to JPG so i could open it on my computer…it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it, and i haven’t cracked it yet…i was going to go for a walk with mom.

i couldn’t find my visor. i couldn’t find my chapstick. i kept losing things and forgetting…i finally found my visor, it fell onto the close floor when i checked the closet for the fourth time; i’m sure i had shoved it up in the top of the closet and it was trapped halfway down.

i walked to mom’s and needed to borrow her chapstick after looking for mine in my fanny pack at least three times and when she finally brought hers out i looked one more time in my fanny pack and there it was.

losing it. losing it.

we got back from our walk and were going to take a quick drive. First I walked down to the shore to see the progress kevin had made, trimming all kinds of huge branches. i walked out onto the barge parked at the shore (the riprap and the barge story is what i was writing about earlier) and i distinctly remember holding onto my clip-on sunglasses when walking the gangplank back to the shore.

i walked up the hill and mom and i were about to set off again…and my sunglasses were gone. i looked, i looked again, i looked in all the places i thought they could be. finally i gave up and suffered the annoying glare of the sun as we drove to mom’s friend wanda’s house and back.

when i got home my sunglasses were sitting on the kitchen counter next to the cookbook that i’d been planning to use to make kevin some oatmeal cookies. I didn’t manage to bake them, naturally, but i promised him i’d bake them in the morning. I thought, “huh, kevin must have found them somewhere, because surely i’d have noticed them sitting there?”

and then, of course, i forgot about the whole thing for a few hours.

tonight, just a short while ago, i asked kevin, “did you find my sunglasses?” he said, “yeah.” I said “where were there?” he asked, “do you really want to know?”

when somebody asks me that of course i want to know, but of course i don’t want to know because it had to be bad.

“tell me,” i said. “are you sure?” he asked again. “yes.”

“they were in the refrigerator.”

the refrigerator.

of course.

why hadn’t i checked there?

of course i have no memory of putting them in the fridge, i can’t imagine what must have been going through my mind. kevin suggested that i was getting something out of the fridge and so i set them in there.

WHY WOULD I SET THEM IN THERE?

and i have no memory of getting any food out of the fridge.

of course, i’m always eating much too randomly and haphazardly without thinking, so there’s that.

but, the fridge? really?

i have little hope of retaining any semblance of sanity going forward.

maybe i’m just reverting to when i was a kid…i spent most of my childhood with my head in a book, so i was usually distracted, and in helping mom put away the groceries, i put a bag of grapefruit in the freezer.

so is it better, reverting to childhood behavior, or just losing my mind?

sunday night.

ok then,

mrs. h., at for as long as i can remember that.

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